 Summer Movie Sequels 2003 |
Yakitty-Yak is back, where random mutant reviewers discuss random movie-related hoo-ha. In this installment: Mutant Clare and Poolman hash over Summer Movie Sequels 2003.
Clare says: So, sequels. Summer. Your thoughts?
PoolMan says: I know it's going to be a lot of fun... my geek factor is already pinging the needle.
C: What are you more excited about? The Matrix or X-Men?
P: Man, tough call. I'm going with the Matrix Reloaded, but not by as wide a margin as it used to be.
 Neo sees the light at the end of the tunnel. No, sorry, that's just the C-train. |
P: Heh... I know the feeling. I get karate chopped when I pick Matrix over Emma, most days. No, the Matrix is going to be a high point for me. It's definitely got the stuff to own this summer.
C: Who's this Emma? The movie Emma? Me so confused.
P: I thought you were a chick!
C: Only sometimes. So it's a movie huh?
P: Yes, but no sequel.
C: Right, so it's out of this conversation!
P: So the Matrix... I can't tell you how nice it is for me and the rest of the nerd community to finally have some sci-fi to make us look cool.
C: Hahaha. Cool huh? I was going to pick a different word...like nerdy... only fooling
P: That's okay, I accept my heritage. Nah, I just like the fact that despite George Lucas' best efforts, someone has elected to give us science-fiction that is okay to love again.
C: Well, that's true.
P: But you're sticking with the X Men?
C: Well, I'm all about how cool The Matrix LOOKS, and I'll line up on opening weekend and hand over my money and oh and ahh and think it kicks ass along side everybody else. But there's something about the new X-Men that makes me think it's going to kick the original's ass. And I haven't decided if that's the case yet with the Matrix sequel.
P: Interesting. You're concerned as to sequel superiority, instead of just liking the movie? I thought the original Matrix has way more in the way of effects, story, and intellectual possibilities than X-Men. And I LOVED X-Men.
C: I think I may be misleading you somehow. It's not like I'm not totally dying to see both of these films. It's just that when I lay in bed at night dreaming of my upcoming summer at the movies, I get a little more excited (A LITTLE MORE) when I think about X-Men than when I think about The Matrix. I think it has something to do with my long and unwavering hatred of Keanu Reeves.
 Who let the claws out? |
C: Wait, that came out sounding way more unbelievably sexual than I intended it. And to answer your question, YES!! Only I don't know how one lies awake AND dreams, but we'll let that slide.
P: All right, fine. Let's talk X-Men. I have to admit, this flick looks way stronger than the original. As a longstanding Marvel comic geek (boy, I'm showing all my credentials early, aren't I?), I love all the character inclusions. Colossus, Pyro, Iceman, Kitty Pryde, Nightcrawler... it's a freaking cavalcade of heroes! Although I notice there aren't any new villains being seriously showcased... I mean, Lady Deathstrike?
C: I'm sorry. Give me a minute while I try to stop laughing at the name "Kitty Pryde".
P: Hey, I didn't make it up!
C: Ok, so here's where I show off my NON-credentials when I admit that I have no idea about any of the characters outside of what I've seen in the first movie. Which makes me suck.
P: Well no, you don't suck. You're just lacking in the ways of the X-Men. But that almost makes me more curious about your opinion, being new to the series and characters and all. What are you most excited about on the new flick?
C: Okay. It's like this. Both of these movies, while they're huge summer blockbusters, are also both about things that are bigger than guns and cool costumes and ground-breaking CGI etc. The Matrix is this whole allegory thing about the fate of mankind and the origins of man and there's the whole religious aspect to it and the questioning of reality and all tons of other stuff. The X-Men is about how society shuns people who are "different" and how that affects those people and society as a whole. As a basic story, I relate better to the "outcast from society" thing than I do to the "you are the chosen one" thing.
P: Not to mention three characters can levitate cars with their brains. Who can't relate to that? I really enjoy the large-scale story of the Matrix though. Anything so well-written to spawn philosophy courses has to be reckoned with. But let's move on. What else are we looking at this summer?
C: I completely agree. I think both sequels have a lot to offer and I'm totally down with running out RIGHTNOW!!! to see them. We decided to talk about sequels. So I'll bring up a sequel I'm NOT looking forward to - Terminator 3 (yikes).
P: Oooooh. The Terminator. Yeah, I'm all NOT a-tingle about this one.
 The caption just makes this photo. Don't ask us what it means. |
C: Like there are necessary sequels and there are UN-necessary sequels and I think this particularly defines the latter. Plus Arnold is like 546 by now and he's not holding up well.
P: Hoo boy, you're not kidding. The guy's face is starting to look like a Welcome mat, and that's BEFORE whatever new killer robot from the future starts shooting it. But what really bugs me is the fact that it's becoming a monster-of-the-week feature. Where Robert Patrick's turn as the villain in T2 was pretty damn sweet, I somehow don't get the same menace from a blond in tight leather chasing Arnie around.
C: The Terminatrix. The dumbest villain EVER (and I'm including the Leprechaun from The Leprechaun in my list).
P: HAHAHA... I hadn't heard that one yet. You're a meanie. I've sat and I've watched that damn T3 trailer a bunch of times now, and believe it or not, the coolest shot in the whole thing (in my eyes) was seeing Arnie push Reese Witherspoon (or whoever) through that row of bathroom stalls. For some reason, that was actually cooler than a morphing rocket launcher arm.
C: a) I didn't make up the Terminatrix. That's the characters actual title. b) I'm a little miffed by who else is in the movie because they're actors I like who are cashing in their non-stardom to be in a HUGE movie. Which is common I suppose, but now I'll have to take Nick Stahl off my You Know, That Guy list.
P: a) Get the hell out. That's actually her name?!? Wow, Hollywood sure isn't desperate, no sirree. b) There's a lot of YKTG's dropping like flies these days. But that's a topic for another night. Anyways, yes, poo-poo on Ahnuld's new flick, but you can't blame a guy for cashing in on the one thing he's always done well in life: have muscles and poor acting talent!
C: Well, he's got one more thing going for him than Keanu Reeves, but I digress... So yes, thumbs up to X-Men and The Matrix. Thumbs down to The Terminator. Moving on....
P: Okay, let's stay in the negative zone... I hereby nominate Bad Boys II as Will Smith's most blatant attempt at bringing a friend out of the gutter.
C: That's an interesting take on it. I just figured he was obligated by some kind of long-forgotten contract to make a crap movie for the same studio or something because IF Bad Boys deserved a sequel, it should have come out a LONG time ago.
P: Well exactly. Obviously the Fresh Prince had a few flicks left on his contract, and someone decided to cash in. I just can't help but wonder if they're trying to rebuild Martin Lawrence at the same time, seeing as his most newsworthy contribution to society in the past few years has been nearly dying while jogging in a fat suit.
C: We can rebuild him!! I think we may both be on to something. Will Smith had a few more miles left on his "'ho' for the studio" contract and Martin Lawrence needed something to keep him off the streets and out of a fat suit. And I've just described a buddy cop movie I'd actually MUCH prefer to see over Bad Boys II.
P: The movie has one gag. ONE. They sing the theme from "Cops", which is horrific enough in itself, while arresting Klan members, who are possibly terrorists and drug dealers (the trailer was a little hard to follow). There's also a needlessly complicated effects shot where the camera spins around them in a kitchen during a shootout. I just don't see the appeal. But I'm beating a dead horse. It's your turn!
C: Hand me that stick! In addition to all your very valid points about this film's obvious dearth of appeal, I'd like to add that it also looks more like a remake than actually any kind of new territory being broken AND, Will Smith has more money than god. He couldn't just buy his way out of this stinker?
P: [Edited to omit an unnecessary tangent about what the funniest name for a sequel to Ali would be]
C: Let's move on. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle - your thoughts?
P: I'm almost surprised at myself, but I'm actually looking forward to this. Big surprise, I know.
C: That is strange. What with you being a straight male under the age of 100 with all working parts and two eyes in your head.
 PoolMan's willpower as a man is about to be severely tested |
C: I loved the first one too. And it took me by surprise as well. I'm most excited about the fact that they brought Crispin Glover back for the sequel.
P: I hadn't heard that yet! That's a good thing. He was a good villain. But no, seriously. All the "cinematography" aside, the first one was really well-written, full of good action, funny as could be, and hit a nearly perfect balance between homage and send-up of the original show. I can't wait until the new one's out. And that's not just so I can steal the poster when it's out of theaters.
C: Um, you know Bill Murray's not in the new one right?
P: Great googly-moogly! You'd think the only cast I was familiar with were the girls! Well, I'm shocked and awed™.
C: Wait. I can't tell if you're actually shocked and awed™ or sarcastically shocked and awed™.
P: Yes. Moving on...
C: So you know who they got to play Bosley in the new one or you don't?
P: Nope. Please tell me!
C: Bernie Mac. I'll give that one a couple seconds to sink in.
P: I formally withdraw all excitement for this movie.
C: Duly noted. I don't much blame you. Bill Murray was definitely a big draw for me for the first one too. But Crispin Glover! And pert boobies! Maybe it's still worth getting excited for... maybe?
P: Yeah, boobies ARE good. But Bernie Mac, that's just weird. Well, I'll hop back on the bandwagon and give it a try. Well done, Clare!
C: It's not me really. It's the power of the boobies. I don't understand it. I just obey the boobies and do their bidding. Speaking of boobies, let's talk about Tomb Raider... your thoughts on the sequel?
P: Man, they've got some ground to make up, don't they? At the least, the boobies in Charlie's Angels are real, and there are six of them. Tomb Raider just seemed to rely on its star power too heavily, and wasn't, oh, what's the word... good?
C: Yes it certainly is lacking in both the boobie quotient department AND the actually being a good movie department. At least the original was. But we had a lot of fun laughing at it MST3K style, so I'm hoping the sequel holds equal amounts of crappiness. I'll be waiting to rent this one, if I decide to see it at all.
 BOOBIES! |
C: And I think if they failed at something as easy as making Angelina Jolie, her boobies and an action movie uninteresting to the average, heterosexual video-game nut they've REALLY failed. So, thumbs way down to Tomb Raider. What next?
P: Oh, how about tonight's dark horse entry? Spy Kids 3-D!
C: Well, I can't really talk about Spy Kids objectively because my sister's worked on all three of them, so you start.
P: Well, for starters then (thanks a lot), it's got Sly Stallone, if you can believe it.
C: I know. Right. Totally bizarre in my opinion. I just found out he was in it the other day (thanks Entertainment Weekly!) I can't believe my sister never mentioned him. I don't know why I would have cared, but I heard WAY more about Ricardo Monalban (oh man is that spelled wrong) than I did about Mr. Stallone.
P: Wow, if you ever thought Justin censored you before, just try to plug EW again! He'll have the hounds released before you can get to the brightly colored mosaic picture of some random celebrity's inane quote! And it's Montalban. And they even managed to keep Antonio Banderas in this one.
C: Justin doesn't like EW? Hmmmm... Okay. I'll replace that with something else. Perhaps "Thanks (publication Justin hates that reports on all thing entertainment related on a weekly basis)". Anyway, Montalban is apparently a bad-ass mofo tooling around in a wheelchair (he plays the kids' grandfather). And yes, Banderas. Man. Remember back in the early 1990's when he was the finest thing walking around on two legs?
P: Um, no.
C: Yeah. Ok. Fine. We can talk about boobies for an hour, but not about how hot Antonio Banderas used to be. I see how it is. Where's Andie when I need her?
P: Well, DUR! Anyways, Spy Kids: The Series definitely deserves another win. Any series of movies that manages to entertain kids and adults together without being insulting to either is a winner in my books. I hope it does well, in spite of the Stallone content.
C: I think it's pretty cool that's it's in 3-D. I haven't seen a 3-D movie since Friday the 13th: Part 3 where people's eyes would fly at the camera for no discernable reason etc.
P: Ah, the golden age of cinema. Jason, how we miss thee. Okay, so Spy Kids 3D = looks good. Any other sequels you're actually looking forward to?
C: I can't think of any at the moment, but I'll probably check out Legally Blonde 2 on DVD. And there are a couple of non-sequels I want to check out. And you?
P: Well, I don't know about Legally Blond 2. I actually did enjoy the first one, but isn't part of the story that Elle grows up enough to actually succeed at her schooling?
C: I think that's the general idea. She runs for President or Congress or something in the sequel.
P: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. So if she's so grown up that she can run for "something" (American government can be so confusing), is the character still funny? Ah, I'm sure it'll be fine, but as much as I liked the first one, I just never watched it thinking "God, I can't wait to see what happens NEXT!".
C: I think you make a good point, but at the same time, if the first one was funny, maybe they can make the 2nd one funny out of sheer momentum. I just remembered also (because of our Friday the 13th comments) that Freddie vs. Jason is coming out this summer. Does that count as a sequel?
P: Good God, you're right. They're actually releasing it this summer! Wow. That just blows the old logic circuits. I guess I have to wonder whether Kyle's enough of a paying audience to justify making this thing. I mean, does anybody actually still care about either Freddy or Jason?
C: Hell yeah. I'm going to go see it for sure! (And no, I'm not kidding). I think they're planning on nostalgia to play a big part in its success.
P: They must be. But you know me and horror movies...
C: No... please do tell.
P: I just hate them. I don't have the ability to sit through them. I just get too tense and strung out, and end up freaking exactly when the director sends out the big false jump, complete with musical sting. I am essentially a 15-year-old girl in this respect.
C: Hee hee. I'd like to watch some really scary jumpy movie with you then. So much fun to see big strong men get all freaked out by movies. Have you seen Signs? Because that movie freaked my s*** out (with the jumping factor I mean).
P: Surprisingly, I was right into Signs. I loved it. And I didn't jump. Perhaps I only fall for the cheesy stuff.
C: Hmmmmmmmm. Interesting. So, in summation: The Matrix: Reloaded and X2: X-Men United WOOO HOOOOOOOO!!! Terminator 3, Bad Boys 2 and Tomb Raider 2 BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Legally Blonde 2 and Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle - Eh, maybe Have I forgotten any?
P: Spy Kids 3D: Okay, sure. Oh, and Boobies, also WOOO HOOOOOOOO!!! (God, I feel like Kyle.)
C: Yes, boobies wooo hooo. And also, Antonio Banderas used to be the finest thing walking around on two legs. And with that, I bid you adieu.
P: It's been a pleasure, darling!
C: This WAS fun. We'll have to do it again some time
P: Indeedy! Are we still "recording"?
C: No. You got something disgusting to say? [Edited while Clare swears like a sailor with Tourette's Syndrome] There. I feel better.
P: Entertainment Weekly! Mwahahahaa!
C: Hehehehe hahahaha!! You ARE dirty!
Posted: May 1, 2003
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