The Star Wars Holiday Special

I feel a disturbance in the Force...

In 1978, George Lucas gave the go-ahead to capitalize on his enormously successful Star Wars and basically feed it a mountain of drugs, then produce it for network TV. They got the original cast, plus a bevy of then-famous guest stars, plus a halfway-decent budget (including props and clips from the movie). The result became the most infamous piece of Star Wars legend: The Star Wars Holiday Special.

Shown only once on November 17, 1978 — and never again.

Why? It was about the biggest waste of network TV and viewers’ time, a dump all over Lucas’ creation that wouldn’t see its equal until Jar-Jar and Skin-That-Is-Not-Rough-Like-Sand. That Lucas greenlit it is delicious; that he actually paid off (or so the rumor goes) all network stations never to broadcast it again, refuses to ever release it from the LucasArts vaults (even though it would make a TON of moolah, from the brand name alone), and declines discussing it even now is practically a triple-dog-dare that we must partake. Wouldn’t you agree?

Happily for us weird nerds who find pleasure in the absolute worst of science fiction, a few people did record this back in the day, and pirated copies abound, finally making their way to the internet and eternal life. There’s even a website devoted to this piece of Bantha poop, and if that isn’t fan love, I don’t know what is.

So here we go! Buckle up, strap on a ball gag (so as not to wake your loved ones with your screams), and let’s jump to hyperspace and beyond!

OH NO! The Millenium Falcon is under attack by two Star Destroyers! Han Solo, ever the heroic individual who spits in the face of death, shakes from the two laser blasts and says that they’re going to turn around, even though Chewbacca’s family is waiting for him. It’s an "important day", apparently. Chewie growls a bit, Han mulls it over, and acknowledges that his life isn’t worth much anyway. What a stud. Chewie mews happily. "That’s the spirit," Han says. "You’ll be celebrating Life Day before you know it!"

Erm, Life Day? What’s all the other days in the Wookiee calendar filled with — Backhair Day, Morbid Hobbies Day, Trash Day? Oh yes, this is gonna suck.

Malla & Itchy. What a Wookiees.

Both Chewie’s costume and Harrison Ford look fairly authentic here, even if the Falcon’s cockpit seems a bit cramped. Insert stock footage of the Falcon jumping into hyperspace, dissolving to the stars and the stirring John Williams score. "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…" appears on screen, although in a pretty generic font. Then: "STAR WARS". Then: "The STAR WARS Holiday Special", which is quickly voiced over by a used car salesman. The salesman introduces each of the cast, including Mark Hamill in a wig and a Tammy Faye-level of makeup (this was right after his accident, which cut his face up pretty bad), Carrie Fisher looking stoned, and "R2D2 as R2D2". He’s so clever. Then, "Introducing Chewbacca’s family", which are apparently Muppets with hair extensions glued on — but at least they seem more animated than Chewie, I’ll give them that. "His wife Malla" — WIFE? The Falcon is pretty big, you think Chewie could take his spouse along for these adventures.

But the best is next, and I’d dare anyone not to hear this line and see a jovial Wookiee waving without laughing: "And his father Itchy!" Now, Lucas might be a huge target for some undeserving slights, but I’d have to say it’s fair that the boy didn’t come up with the best names I’ve ever heard of. Many Star Wars names — Boba, Chewie, Jabba, Jar-Jar, Porkins — I’m guessing he came up with when he was about three years old. Still… Itchy? And then, "his son, Lumpy!"

Lumpy. Named after a stool sample.

Must… take… wrench… to… brain pan…

Lumpy looks like an Ewok going through puberty, by the way, and I bet he gets teased ALL the time. Good. I’m glad.

We also get our lineup of guest stars: Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Diahann Carroll, Jefferson Starship (who they show rocking out, while the Star Wars theme plays on… guess they’re stashing an orchestra in them there guitars), and Harvey Korman, who turns into a huge black woman for some reason. They also promise a special cartoon in the show, flashing an animated Boba Fett there for now-slavering fanboys to whimper over, and people back then to go "Why’s that guy wearing a medieval knight’s helm?"

We begin our Special on the planet Kashyyyk, which most current Star Wars fans would recognize from the brief yet completely irrelevant scene in Revenge of the Sith where a Wookiee attacks with a Tarzan yell and Yoda boards the E.T. pod. The establishing shot is a very fake-looking matte painting, which quickly dissolves to a 70’s-style living room with some overly hairy guests. Itchy (Chewie’s pop, remember) is working on a wooden model of an X-Wing. Lumpy’s off to the side, jumping around with his toy and generally acting like a fresh post-op brain surgery patient. He’s special.

I can’t believe people ever thought Wookiees were cool after this came out. Something I quickly realize is that while the Wookiees are alone on screen, they obviously don’t speak English and just do their roars/sheep bleetings instead… but there’s also absolutely NO SUBTITLES. Chewie could get away with his lack of meaningful dialogue in the series, because he always had Han there who pretended like he knew what the hairy beast said:

CHEWIE: "Rrrargh!"
HAN: "That’s right, Chewie! It’s time to renew my subscription to Entertainment Weekly and save 56% off the cover price if I act now!"

However, this sort of growling nonsense doesn’t fly on its own, so the Wookiee family here — with a VERY human house and appliances — need to resort to a load of gestures and body language to make up for the idiocy on the part of the producers.

GUH?!?

You really wouldn’t accept this as true without seeing it how long this gibberish continues. Nothing happens for at least five minutes, leading me to believe that the producers just let the actors improv in the furry suits to their hearts’ content. Lumpy steals a cookie and goes outside. Itchy and Malla look fondly at Chewie’s picture and wonder when the hell his child support will come in. Finally, the family flicks on the holographic chessboard last seen on the Falcon, which triggers a very dumb sequence of holographic circus performers trooping around. Why would Wookiees be watching humans in their entertainment, by the way? This all goes on for an insufferably long time as well, while Lumpy stirs himself into an epileptic fit. What does any of this have to do with, I don’t know, STAR WARS, anyway?

It’s now been about ten minutes without a single English word, and I’m starving for some. Ack.

Yes, that really IS Mark Hamill.

Finally, the Wookiees use a hidden console to spy in on Luke and R2D2. Luke doesn’t seem very surprised that without accepting a call or anything, two hairy monsters are looking at him through a camera. Luke has one of those human-Wookiee one-sided conversations where the Wookiees spaz out and he pretends to know what in Shazbot they’re talking about. He also fiddles with some smoking machinery — guess the Alliance didn’t really need him that day to fly down any trenches. R2D2 tries once again to tell Luke how he used to help his father out in the old days, but Luke ain’t hearing any of that. With all of Luke’s makeup and his smiling, deep-eyed expressions, I’m getting the uncomfortable feeling he’s coming on to me. Luke figures out that Chewie’s overdue, but the only advice he can give is for the Wookies to smile and stop being rightly concerned for a family member’s absence. Luke out.

How much for that doggy in the window?

The Wookiees then hack into another security camera on "Wookie Trading Planet C". Hey, it’s better than "Tatooine", as I see it. It’s a shop run by Art Carney (The Muppets Take Manhatten) who gets a low key visit from a moody Imperial Guard. The guard’s moustache and massive black helmet belay any real threatening presence ("Did you go over my helmet?"); I think it’s the guy who greets people at Wal-Mart these days. Carney picks up the phone call from Malla and gives her some not-so-subtle clues that Chewie’s on his way with Han Solo. Oh good. My world is revolving around this plotline right now. The guard rips the shopkeeper off, who ends up alone and babbling to himself.

Meanwhile! Unused footage from A New Hope shows up as Darth Vader and Choke-Free Cronie march down a Star Destroyer/Death Star hallway, talking about setting up blockades and searching homes for the rebels. Well, that was enlightening. That is the full extent of Darth Vander in this show, barring the cartoon. Hope you lived it up!

Hey! Think Futurama cribbed this character?

Back on Kashyyyk, Malla turns on the TV to the food network, where the black alien woman version of Harvey Korman is teaching how to cook Bantha loins. This isn’t just padding the special, oh no; it’s like a college student trying to stretch a paragraph into a full-fledged term paper by increasing the margins to 5 inches and triple-spacing. Korman goes into a bizarre cooking chant and shows that he has a third and fourth arm. Terrific.

Once that droll scene ends, we’re back to the Falcon and more reused footage from ANH, with Tie Fighters swooping and shooting at nothing. "Out of the frying pan and into the fire, huh pal?" Han bemoans, as the exact same battle happens from ANH.

I think he's the Dean of the Rebel Academy (boo, hiss!)

The Wookiees receive a message on their tele-screen (or whatever you call it) from an Imperial guy who calls Kashyyyk "Kazook" and informs them they’re all under Martial Law until the Rebels are found. Not that I’m a huge Star Wars know-it-all or anything, but I thought Kashyyyk’s kind of been under Imperial control for a long, long time at this point? Erm, sorry, Kazook. The Wookiees freak out. Well, even more than before, I guess. They could use some calming drugs.

Art Carney, arriving fresh from his shop on "Wookiee Trading Planet C" since leaving about five minutes prior — and getting past the blockade just peachy, I noticed — arrives to bring the family a "proton pack" and other goodies. Because they’re fighting ghosts later on, duh. Carney demands a Wookie kiss (!) from Malla before giving her present to her. That’s kind of sick, there, Carney. Itchy uses a machine that looks suspiciously like those hairdryers you see in beauty salons to experience an LSD trip. He eventually hallucinates up Diahann Carroll, a lady with an appalling pink wig who blatantly comes on to Itchy and keeps making sexual innuendo while Itchy moans happily. I’m not even joking.

Time for some Wookiee cybersex!

"I’ll tell you a secret," she says. "I find you adorable." What is it with Wookiees needing humans for their fantasies and entertainment, I ask again! "I am your pleasure, enjoy me!" she says, as the porno music goes on. Dude. Not cool. Carroll starts singing a long song, which I’m not sure is better or worse than the flirtation. It goes… and goes… and goes… So very glad the 70’s are over.

As Itchy is shuddering in what we can only hope is not post-orgasmic bliss, Malla takes the time to bother more important Rebel figures: Princess Leia and C3PO. They don’t seem to mind being called up out of the blue, though. At least Threepio is there to translate the Wookie moans into English, and Leia is there to act horribly to no one in particular. Carrie Fisher, who comes out the worse out of all of the walk-ons, reprises her classic Side Buns™ to my delight. Leia tells Carney to watch after the Wookiee family, and that is that.