Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

D'oh!

Kirk and Spock hear some tapping and give us a crash course in Morse Code. S-T-A-N-D B-A-C-K. Boom. Scotty blows a hole in the wall and busts them out. It's payback time, of a very limited quantity! Scotty tells them to go up a turboshaft to the steering wheel room, where they can phone Starfleet for help (I can imagine how that conversation will go: "Bob, I know you said I was the best and only chance you got, but we need a plan B now. B as in 'Crap I suck!'"). Scotty then walks away, talking to himself, and knocks himself out cold on a low overhang. Feel free to do a rimshot.

"Woohoo! Time to kill Wesley!"

Alarms finally go off, but unfortunately they're on the Enterprise-D, according to the hallways. Picard sends Worf down to rip limbs off the terrorists until they resemble Monty Python's Black Knight. Kirk and McCoy begin climbing up the turboshaft, but Spock is all "heck no, bro!" and leaves to go get his Spock-Jets. The terrorists find Scotty, and Sulu orders them to get him to sickbay. Scraggly Guy looks at his hefty frame and wonders how this will happen without a forklift.

A thought. Turboshafts hold turbolifts (aka "elevators"). Why do they need to climb at all? Just press the button and accept the free ride. Or are the lifts broken now, too?

Turbo-Hijinks Do... do we have to? Gah! Get a room you two! Or, please don't! Gosh, Vulcans do have great birthing centers!

Spock — who exited the turboshaft at the very bottom — now descends from above Kirk wearing his novelty booties. I don't even want to think of the logistics involved in that. He offers the other two a ride, but Spock-Jets do not bear the weight of three senior citizens who are packing a little extra around the midriff. Although Kirk and McCoy are each standing on one of Spock's boots for support, there's an interesting shot of all six legs dangling in open air. They start to sink, terrorists come into the tunnel, and Spock uses his emergency rockets to send them up, up and away! Please ignore that they pass level 52 twice.

The trio use a hidden radio to call for help on an open frequency. They believe it when a female voice claiming to be "Starfleet control" acknowledges them, but without any way to confirm this, why would Kirk be spilling all the juicy details? Yeah, it's the Klingons. Stupid Kirk.

You might just want to fast-forward over this next scene. Sybok comes in and catches Kirk doing the verbal nasty. Sybok chides them for not wanting to throw their ship into the deadly barrier of certain death, claiming that they fear the unknown. I'm sorry, Sybok, but if it's pretty common knowledge that the barrier is not good for ships, then it's been tested already. It's known. It's a bottle of poison with a skull and crossbones saying, "Don't drink me." Will you please stop lecturing us? Sybok says he wants Kirk's "respect". Yeah. Okay.

Stupid nitpicking observation: Sybok's three random terrorists have been on the ship for a while now. Why haven't they ditched their rock-shooting air rifles for face-melting phasers yet?

Scotty awakes in sickbay with Uhura pawing him like a dog in heat. Shudder. Move on, move on!

Sybok begins to work his mind-mojo on the trio. The effect of the scene melting into the characters' memories is fairly well done. McCoy reveals his "deepest pain" — he pulled the plug on his father's disease and killed him, only to find out that a cure was discovered shortly thereafter. Euthanasia bad. Sybok hugs him and McCoy converts to Sybok's team. Spock's memory is that of his father calling him "so human" as a baby. I like that Spock can remember actual words from a few minutes after his birth. Yes, it's a "daddy never loved me" moment. Kirk — ever the stud — refuses to have this hippie psychiatrist pull up his pain, possibly because his pain is currently in progress in the making of this film. Spock and McCoy stand by their captain nonetheless.

Sybok reveals that he got a vision from God about this Sha Ka Re thing. Considering the light of later developments, are we to assume that a super-alien could mentally reach past the great barrier to touch someone thousands of light years away?

The Enterprise goes into the great barrier, which is bound to disappoint considering how much people in this movie have built it up to be a great threat. It's kind of a bubbly lava lamp. Left alone in the steering wheel room, Kirk and company don't worry about planning another escape or anything. This hijacking is so freaking lame. Despite the suspenseful music, everyone makes it just fine, and surprise surprise, there's a planet there. Sha Ka Re!

Swiiiiiiiiiiirly

"Is this a dream?" McCoy says. "If so, then life's a dream," Kirk replies, forcing our minds to recall the horrid singing incident. He then touches a plaque that bears the inscription "To boldly go where no man has gone before". I don't know about you, but I'm stuffed to the brim of inspiration.

Kirk decides to finally leave his wheel behind, and enters the bridge, firing a phaser madly at the enemy, the screams of the vanquished fading into nothingness under the weight of his righteous roar of revenge. Darn it, I so wish that's what had happened. He's a meek bunny rabbit now, and Sybok turns the ship over to him. Kirk's next course of action is to immediately go down to the planet in the remaining shuttlecraft. Why he doesn't wait for the transporters to be fixed first (oh, dramatic suspense later on) or doesn't turn the ship around and report back to Starfleet that the barrier is nothing more than a light show is beyond me. He's Kirk! He must go!

"Are we back at Nimbus III you son of a... Vulcan priestess?"

To be fair to the upcoming hokey special effects, there really wasn't anywhere they could take this movie at this point without disappointing. There's no great conflict now, so either one is coming or the climax of the movie is a tepid landing on the California desert. Or both. As the foursome marvel over this paradise planet that's no more than rocks and dirt — I know the budget was tight, but couldn't they have sprung for a trip to a redwood forest or something? — I can't help but point out the obvious dirt road that runs through the middle of the landscape. Kirk gives Sybok a look like, "Wow. So unimpressed here. I've literally made planets nicer than this."

On the bridge, everyone is so entranced with the vision of rocks that no one notices the screen that informs them about the oncoming Klingon warship.

In tonight's performance, God will be played by Old Man Winter

Kirk starts to call the Enterprise, but he doesn't really say anything until the shot cuts away from him. Okay, pointless. The lights dim and MORE rocks jut out of the ground. Time to meet "God"! If curiosity is just overwhelming you now, let me put your mind at ease: "God" is pretty much just a floating head in light. He has the bonus ability of being able to shoot laser beams with his eyes., which comes into play when Kirk questions why "God" needs a spaceship. Good question. Another one is, why does Shatner need a plot?

Spock and Kirk get a chest-full of wrath. Sybok's a bit slow, but eventually he figures out that this isn't really God. It's an imprisoned nutjob! The alien transforms himself into Sybok's likeness, and Sybok's mind finally snaps. "I couldn't help notice your pain," Sybok says to the alien, then launches into a mind-meld with it. Sybok, we never knew ye. Kirk orders the ship to fire a torpedo at the alien, and they run away.

The alien isn't dead, but Sybok surely is. "Thanks for killing my brother in vain," Spock mutters under his breath (or so I imagine). Kirk, Spock and McCoy jog back to the shuttle, which is now parked far closer to the alien's position than their previous hike suggested. They can't take off, so Kirk calls Scotty for a little transporter action. I never liked how so many Trek plots seemed to build suspense over whether or not someone would be transported in time, but here we go again! Scotty can only beam up two, so Kirk orders the other two to go. Right then, the Bird of Prey that no one decided to notice fires on the Enterprise and magically hits the transporter. Kirk! KIIIIIIIRRRRRRKKK! He starts running away from the grumpy alien.

The Klingons demand surrender, and Spock asks General Korrd to help out. "Damn you sir, you WILL try," Spock growls. Go, Spock!

More running away from the magical light show. I am so ready for all this to be over. Right as Kirk is about to be sizzled, the Bird of Prey rises from beneath a cliff (!) and fires on the disembodied face. Bye-bye. Kirk's beamed on board, but apparently Korrd had a talking-to with his underling, and the Klingons are now little pussycats. In a parody of how a dad might make his son apologize for doing wrong, Korrd makes Klaa kiss and make up. Not literally, of course. I cannot believe that any of the Klingons would willingly give up Kirk like this, but there you go.

"You're the... Sam... to my Frodo!"

As if the weirdness of this scene couldn't get any more pointless, Korrd reveals that Spock was the gunner. A-ha!, the audience was supposed to go.

Let's backtrack.

With mere seconds to spare, Spock tells Korrd to convince Klaa to go from attacker to helper. Korrd agrees, spends some time talking to Klaa, and orders Klaa to beam him and Spock (why?) onto their ship. They then fly down to the planet, underneath a rock formation, and Spock mans the weapons. Spock kills the alien, then trains his guns on Kirk (!). Kirk's beamed up, and Spock just waits in his chair until Korrd is ready to spring the big surprise. Seriously, that's how that all had to go. Whaaaa?

Kirk goes in for a hug, and Spock says, "Please, Captain, not in front of the Klingons." So… later on then? Hugs in my quarters?

So, they had a lot of time to date while being mind-controlled?

Party scene. All of the races and people involved are drinking it up. The humans seem quite friendly with the Klingons, even though the events of the previous and subsequent movies suggest extreme loathing on both parties' behalves. Talbot is putting the moves on Dar, who's wearing a very slinky dress for the occasion. The butch female Klingon walks in, with Sulu and Chekov stalking her no more than two feet behind her, but they veer off when Klaa glowers at them. Komedy!

Let's get this done. Kirk, Spock and McCoy do a little theological speculation ("[God's] right here," Kirk thumps his chest. So, Kirk is God? Figures.). Spock's a little broken up about his brother's death, you know, but Kirk turns that little statement around to talk about himself once more. Shut up, Kirk!

A movie this crappy needs a suitable coda, so here we are back on Earth, finishing up shore leave. Spock plays his harp — Row, Row, Row Your Boat — and they start singing. Touching. Peace, I'm out.