The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

It seems as if the steampunk genre is destined to be plundered and mistreated by the Hollywood cretins out there until it withers and dies from malnutrition. Wild, Wild West, Van Helsing, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Steamboy were all released within the last decade, and received with comments ranging from "meh" to "DID THE CAT JUST DIE IN HERE? WHAT STINKS?" This is all sad to me. Justin sad. Justin loves steampunk. Justin thinks it's just ducky.

I never had high hopes for LXG prior to seeing it with Pooly, but I did hold out a secret, fluttering wish that it would burst forth out of a cocoon of negative press and become a cult butterfly with mechano-wings pumped by hydraulic lifts. And in the viewing of it, I could see the shadowy outline of a genuinely good film, one which never saw its completion due to a million stupid decisions on the part of the filmmakers (nudged along by half-hearted acting).

The end result twisted Alan Moore's graphic novel into something of a fascinating train wreck. It's too ugly and misshapen to be loved, but fascinating enough in its blunders to be mocked with affection. Thus did I revisit the realm of alternate Victorian history, where literary figures dwell in the flesh and idiots with flamethrowers wear cast-iron suits.

TRUE STORY: Before watching the film on the DVD, I clicked one of the special features that said "An Important Message" or some such. I thought they were going to wheel out the director and force him, at gunpoint, to apologize for the film, but it turned out to be a "marijuana kills" message. A little out of place, but okay. You think, considering the movie's setting, they'd have done an "opium kills" PSA.

And so it begins...

Although it's hard to see, I thought that one of the neatest touches of LXG is when the 20th Century Fox logo dissolves into its steampunk counterpart (although they would've scored more points in my book if they went to 19th Century Fox instead). 0:24

As we descend through the rooftops and pipes of London, the introductory text tells us that it's 1899 and the world is all a-jittery. Down on the streets, a number of constables (cops, to you and me) are running willy-nilly and blowing whistles. It's incredibly dark and difficult to make out (a continuing theme), however.

Aaand that's when a circa-World War I tank smashes its way through the gate onto the scene. LXG didn't just stick with the usual steampunk trappings, I notice, but also went forward in time to take various technologies from a couple decades in the future and yank them back in time. The bobbies seem a bit puzzled as to what the tank is, and one humorously shouts "Halt! Halt!" until he gets run over. Squish. The other bobbies attack the steel monster with their night sticks, which is and always will be an effective anti-tank deterrent. 2:15

Mr. Tank, finally let out on a night on the town and half-drunk already, crushes its way into the Bank of England. Desks, bookshelves and several important ledgers are no longer in prime shape. This would be a terrific scene, again, if I could just see it. A turret pops out, the vault door is history, and soldiers burst out of the tank carrying the bulkiest submachine guns you'll ever see. This is LXG's motto: take something modern, make it "chunky", and we can use it in 1899! An unseen figure carrying a skull-capped cane comes out, orders all witnesses to be put to death (off screen), and steals some schematics.

"Yeah-huh it was!"

Quickly, a copy of the London Post zooms into view and we get the headline "BRITAIN ACCUSES GERMAN ARMY OF BANK THEFT". Although there weren't any witnesses left alive, the tank is depicting in the newspaper with meticulous detail - including the gun turret out (again, no one alive saw it in this mode). My favorite headline is "NOT US!" SAYS GERMANY, which reinforces the notion that international diplomacy could simply be solved if mom and dad would get involved. I think a better headline rebuttal might've been "HOW THE HELL COULD WE HAVE GOTTEN A TANK ACROSS THE ENGLISH CHANNEL WITH NO ONE NOTICING?" 3:55

Berlin, May 1899. More confusing, hurried action. Guys with guns (soldiers?) hustle off guys in white coats (scientists), while Skull Cane looks on. Obviously, if they're not going to show this guy's face, you just know he's going to be revealed as a villain-in-good-guy's-clothing later on. A scientist asks, "What do you want?", and Skull Cane flips through his Stock Villain Reply Handbook to select, "The WORLD, Patrick. THE WORLD!" And because you can't say stuff like that without a dramatic gesture, Skull Cane takes a rocket launcher and blows away five hydrogen zeppelins that are casually floating nearby.

More newspaper headlines, this time Germany accusing Britain of attacks and coming over to their side of the car. Mom shouts that this is "really it", and Dad is ready to "turn the car around and go on home." Oh no! Europe is on the brink of war! Perhaps, even, a great war, a world war! One so great, they'll have to have a sequel or something! 5:08

Which brings us, of course, to Kenya, June 1899. The remainder of the titles flash by, including the one telling us that this is based on Alan Moore's graphic novel. Now, I didn't read the novels, I don't care to, and I don't care if you find this viewing flawed because of it. My thick skin is on today. It looks like the Old West, African style, as a stranger wanders into a frontier town. Mr. Derby Hat swaggers into a saloon and asks for "Quartermain." Now, thick skin is on, remember? So you literary freaks can just give it a rest with shrieking, "It's pronounced QUATERMAIN, not QUARTERMAIN!" It's not my mistake - about half of the characters in this movie add the extra R. Also, Quatermain's name gets weirder the longer you look at it.

Derby Hat goes up to someone who is most certainly not Sean Connery (but sports some truly wicked sideburns) and makes the assumption that this is QuaRtermain. Doesn't he look the horse's patootie, now. The real Q. sits off to the side, obviously enjoying the ruse. After this incredible deception is revealed, Derby Hat starts again with "The Empire is in peril!" I don't think anyone, anywhere, ever talked like this. Although my brain is certainly in peril. He's being approached to be the leader of a new team of Extraordinary men to combat vague forces of darkness… call them the X-Men or something. Derby Hat is upset that Q. isn't leaping like an excited little puppy now that his master, the Empire, has come home. Q. sits in the murky shadows of this movie and verbally rips Derby Hat a new one, with a melancholy explanation why he won't go ("I've lost friends, both white and black," he says with a racial non sequitur). I could listen to that accent forever.

To save us from endless clichés, a group of trenchcoat cowboys enter and start shooting up the place. First to go is Q.'s imposter double, who is then scalped for his magnificent facial hair. Q.'s shots bounce off the body armor covering the chests, and chests only, of the cowboys. Headshots are for pansies. Derby Hat pees himself: "They're INDESTRUCTABLE!" The submachine guns are busted out, much to Q's dismay. "Automatic rifles? Why'd it have to be automatic rifles?" A dig is made at Belgians' expense. We then slide into LXG's idea of a fight scene, which is to say epileptic seizure mode. The camera rapidly cuts between shots at the rate of every 0.12 seconds, leaving flashing lights and Scottish ruggedness imprinted upon your retina while you try to fight vertigo. Sean Connery's stunt double picks up a table and smashes it on a guy's head (c'mon… you can't be in a saloon fight and NOT do that, now can you?).

A brief mention of Sean Connery's age. I'm by no means an ageist, and while I know that there are many 70-year-old men out there who are probably in much better physical condition than yours truly, Connery at 73 looks like he'd be much better off reclining with a heated massage pad than slamming ruffians around in a bar. If LXG had any sense of dignity, it would've made his character more of a hands-off mentor, wise and instructing, instead of a brawling senior citizen. It just looks flippin' ridiculous, and the amount of editing this film has to do to cover up the fact that Connery can't stand under his own power for more than three minutes is astounding.

Rhinos: finally working for the good guys

So while we were talking about that, Q. defeats most of the baddies, including impaling the last one on a rhino horn (!) while the British flag comes down over his head. Q. says "Rule Britannia" while we look for something to throw. Ugh. Q. then leaves the bar, puts on his glasses and shoots the last fleeing cowboy at 900 yards. Oh, and he just wounds the guy, on purpose. I think, due to the curvature of the earth, that was impossible. The cowboy evades questioning by biting down on some poison. Stupidity reigns supreme in Kenya. Then horribly, horribly bad CGI explodes at the saloon (because the cowboys left a ticking bomb there) and Q. looks largely unconcerned at the immolation of his drinking buddies. Derby Hat says the word "war" about once per 20 seconds during all of this. Q. agrees to go, and all of us know that Derby Hat probably planted the bomb himself.

Before he leaves, Q. looks at a gravestone of a loved one (Wife? Son? Second cousin twice removed?), which is misspelled "Quartermain." Way to catch that on the cutting room floor, gentlemen. 12:57

London, July 1899. Man, we're just zipping through the months, aren't we? It's raining and gloomy, and Q. leaves his carriage to make another non sequitur about Jules Vern's Around the World in 80 Days, which had nothing to do with anything. He walks into a dark building, through a dark corridor, down dark stairs, into a dark library and my eyes just flat out quit on me. TURN ON THE BLOODY LIGHTS. Hurrah, they do. Q. meets "M", who welcomes him to the newest generation of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which entitles him to a parking space and all-you-can-drink visits to the espresso bar. Captain Nemo strolls in the room, because, why not? He's got a darling handlebar moustache.

One of my original big quibbles with this movie is that after Quatermain's introduction, the rest of the League is just thrown into the script with no proper backstory or scene to build up some appropriate hero worship in the audience. The meeting room scene inspires about the same level of awe as watching a bunch of hungover managers stumbling into a boardroom on Monday morning. "Hi, I'm [name of literary character], my special power is [driving a boat, being invisible, biting people on the neck] and my costume is FABULOUS, baby!"

If you care to pause your DVD player and are up to date on literary characters, you might want to check out some of the paintings of the previous leagues in this room. Included are Robin Hood, Ivanhoe, the Four Musketeers and the Scarlet Pimpernel, among others.

The briefing begins, and Skull Cane gets a name, Fantom. Fantom's been kidnapping scientists, forcing them to make cool weapons, and basically escalating an arms race. So, having just wasted an entire month to get from Kenya to England, Q. receives his task: to stop Fantom in a mere four days in Venice. Since the film has covered four months in fifteen minutes, I can't see this happening without… I don't know… a superfast submarine capable of laughing in the face of anything logical. What are the odds?