Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"What is with those guys? They’re like some sort of cloning experiment gone horribly wrong!"

1994 PG-13 / Comedy Thriller Directed by: John Paragon Starring: Peter Paul, David Paul, George Lazenby

Tagline

You're never home alone when you're a twin!

Summary Capsule

Muscled meatheads manage mistrustful mini miscreants. Much mischief materializes.

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Amazon.com: DVD

Al's Rating: I’m going to make a statement. Crop tops on guys were never this popular. I’m sorry, they just weren’t.
Al's Review: Who do you hire to baby-sit young, trouble-making nephews while you’re away? If you answered fun-loving lunkheaded twin bodybuilders, you are clearly John Paragon, writer and director of Twin Sitters! Thanks for reading, John! Twin Sitters marks the final cinematic excursion *cough* of The Barbarian Brothers, Peter and David Paul, the bemulleted and excessively colorful duo of bodybuilders-turned-comedians. Because, y’know, one profession so obviously follows the other.

"Mock suicides are always funniest when performed by preteens."

After debuting in D.C. Cab in 1983, Peter and David starred in several films *cough*cough* together where they attempted to fill the languishing void that had opened in the early nineties American comedy scene for lighthearted, twin-based mischief and mayhem. They were twin police officers, twin truck drivers, twin soldiers, twin barbarians (natch), and, in Twin Sitters, twin enterprising restaurateurs who, you guessed it, become impromptu twin nannies.

This time, Peter and David are the Falcone Brothers, fun-loving but down on their luck bodybuilders (imagine that!) who want to open up their own restaurant. They become local heroes after rescuing children from a gun battle in the park and are hired by a rich witness for the prosecution, Frank Hillhurst. Terrified of what might happen to his family, Hillhurst feels he needs some extra protection for his nephews while he makes his deposition against the evil mob boss, George Lazenby. In return for one week’s service at his mansion, the Falcones will be given all the money they need for their restaurant. Of course, there’s one thing he fails to mention — the kids are twins too! Oh, the hilarity! The children, Steven and Bradley, have recently lost their parents and are ‘masking their pain’ by waging war against all adults in the only way rambunctious movie children know how: madcap antics!

They’ve raided the warehouse on this one, delivering all the old standbys: projectile foodstuffs, super glue, marbles (does everybody trip on marbles like Charlie Chaplin? Honestly?), and exploding bags of flour before graduating to the always hysterical grand theft auto, attempted murder, and mock suicide. Mock suicides are always funniest when performed by preteens. Will the Barbarian Brothers be able to survive the precocious pranks, protect the kids from the evil failed James Bond, and teach the youngsters a thing or two about life? Only Twin Sitters holds the answers.

If you can’t tell, this is not a terribly good movie. Derivative plot aside, Twin Sitters makes a point of milking every stereotype it can. The cook is a large black woman with a loud mouth and a feisty attitude. The butler is English, and therefore a stuffy and insufferable prig. Continuing down the list, the maid is Hispanic and oversexed, the gardener is Mediterranean and jealous, the Asian twins are martial artists, the black twins talk jive. Rinse and repeat for 94 minutes. Thankfully, not all of the humor is offensive, some is just dumb. They’re bodybuilders so their car is a monster truck! They slip on a banana peel and there’s a goofy sound effect! Ha ha. Ho ho. Retch hurl.

And, yet, despite it all, Twin Sitters is not a complete and total failure. How can I say that after three paragraphs of whining and moaning? Because the Barbarian Brothers themselves are so much fun to watch. These men cannot act, believe me, but the blissful earnestness they tackle every scene with is surprisingly infectious, and, as you watch them, you will, suddenly and inexplicably, be having a good time. These two guys are at ease with each other in a way more serious (or unrelated) actors wouldn’t be, and they just seem so completely thrilled to be making a movie that their enthusiasm is undeniable. Even some of the shakier subplots, like both of them taking turns dating the same woman, are carried up and over their hurdles by Peter and David’s sheer force of personality. For me, this goes a long way towards redeeming Twin Sitters into something semi-watchable and almost entertaining.

I’m not sure where, exactly, the Barbarian Brothers came from. Since their first movie was, as I said, D.C. Cab, I can only assume director Joel Schumacher was trying to recreate Mr. T, and made two assumptions: first, that two muscular, funny-looking meatheads could generate twice the star power of one, and second, that twins are always funny. His mistake, of course, is that neither of these are ever correct. Ever.

Nevertheless, Peter and David Paul existed, wearing as much jewelry and absurd clothing as possible and doing their best to bludgeon themselves into the hearts and minds of the American public. Amazingly, they have charisma, more than I would have ever given them credit for, but it can’t save Twin Sitters from being an utter disaster and a laughable piece of early nineties schlock. It’s stupid and silly, but possesses enough charm to raise itself out of the dregs at the bottom of the coffee pot and into the realm of that last cup you drink where it’s more bitter than you’d probably want and coffee grounds are getting stuck in your teeth but you keep drinking it anyway because, hey, it’s coffee and you like coffee. So, take from that what you will and enjoy yourselves some Twin Sitters.

And the Oscar goes to... well, not them. Molding the new generation in their image. Great... Biceps always made me hungry, too.

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• All the food jokes? They eat a lot in this movie.
• The Falcone’s license plate: TOOO BIG
• Super Mario World! These kids have the coolest stuff...
• Is that a Chuckie doll in Bradley and Steven’s room?
• Jack Bauer’s brother’s wife from 24 as the romantic interest?
• Nitro from American Gladiators as the head assassin?
• That Dr Pepper clearly paid money for their endorsement in this movie? Suckers.
• The mutant mask from This Island Earth?
• The "Not!" Joke? Thanks 1994!
• In the closing credits, they call the film by it’s original title, "The Baby Sitters"

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Oh, yes. See ‘Soundtrack Review’ below.

Unnecessary Background

Mekka-lekka-hi-mekka-hiney-ho! Twin Sitters writer and director John Paragon, who also cameos as the loan officer who turns down the Brothers attempts to get their business started, is most famous for playing Jambi the Genie on Pee Wee’s Playhouse. Wish granted. Long live Jambi.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Although I referred above to Twin Sitters as the Barbarian Brothers’ final movie, they have appeared in bit parts here and there for the last ten years and even had a scene in Natural Born Killers that ended up deleted from the theatrical cut of the film. Presently, David is a well-known photographer for various bodybuilding magazines and Peter is still a producer for television and film. There’s a lot of loose talk that they appeared later on in their careers as pro wrestlers–as I said, they certainly have the charisma for it–but I haven’t found any actual evidence of it (beyond their necks seeming to be approximately the size of my thigh). Does anyone actually know if they ever laced up their boots? Tell me!

Groovy Quotes

FBI Agent Bennett: You boys really did a job on those hoods. Where did you learn to handle yourselves like that? Military?
David Falcone: Nah, we were fat kids.
Peter Falcone: Fat kids have either got to learn how to fight or lean how to hurt.
David Falcone: We got tired of hurtin’.

Thomas: Please don’t touch that dish! It’s over 200 years old!
Peter: Geez, you think with all this money they could afford some new plates…

David: That Chuck Norris is a hell of an actor.

Bradley: What is with those guys? They’re like some sort of cloning experiment gone horribly wrong!

[looking in on the sleeping boys]
Peter: Aw, they’re like little angels.
David: Yeah, little Hell’s Angels.

Bradley: Man, even their cars are on steroids!

DVD Review

It’s got a language selection! Neat!

Soundtrack Review

Ah, the soundtrack. Not only have Peter and David Paul starred in this movie and brought their own brand of unrepentant ridiculousness to the world at large, but they wrote and performed the soundtrack. Let me repeat that. THEY WROTE AND PERFORMED THE SOUNDTRACK. Including such classics as "At War With the Weights," "I Ride My Harley," and "Bad Bad Babysitters," this desperately needs to be released. Please?

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Problem Child
• Home Alone
• Think Big