Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
“This will be the greatest war the world has ever seen.”

2004 R / War Fantasy Directed by: Wolfgang Petersen Starring: Diane Kruger, Eric Bana, Brad Pitt

Tagline

For honor

Summary Capsule

A Trojan prince woos the wrong married lady and brings the wrath of the Greeks on Troy in the form of the greatest army ever assembled, and eventually a Trojan Horse gets invented.

Mutant Meter

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Kyle's Rating: This movie has interested me in buying one of those sarongs, for a cool poolside fashion statement
Kyle's Review: Despite what I’ve written in past reviews or told you to your face if you’re a young blonde girl who frequents So Cal bars and eating establishments where Red Bull is sold, I’m actually quite dumb. Seriously! In my life I prefer to read comic books, watch stupid horror movies, and memorize Lakers stats.

"Sadly, Troy didn’t blow my leather skirt up."

So Troy is theoretically geared squarely at my king of piddling gray matter, since I couldn’t tell you the difference between The Iliad and The Odyssey if my pathetic monkey life depended on it. It’s “classic” literature that got dumbed down and greased up before being slapped on the big screen; essentially, I think it’s appropriate to say Troy is more an adaptation of Cliffs notes than some big thick book they try to make you read in high school and/or college. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, if you’re a fan of muscular pretty boys in sandals and leather skirts with swords fighting and brooding and stuff. And who isn’t it? Or, if you want a stylized look at what life was like for the privileged and revered way back in the day, Troy is great! Check it out!

Sadly, Troy didn’t blow my leather skirt up. I’m not a fan of the past. There are those who totally dig seeing representations of specific historical times: they hang out at museums and buy all their loved ones historically-accurate gifts for important holidays. That ain’t me, babe. My house is totally decorated, courtesy of Target, in modern clunky plastic everything and stacks of DVDs. Meanwhile, I’m writing odes to indoor plumbing and surfing the Internet for interesting information and, uh, porn.

The point is this: there’s no place like Venice beach (it’s awesome!) and there’s no time like the present (it’s awesome too!). So movies like Troy, despite all the opulent set pieces and clear skies, aren’t going to suck me in vicariously because I’m thinking “Even that oh-so-great king of kings guy is probably using leaves for toilet paper.” Plus everything and everyone probably smelled, and there were no hamburger places, and I don’t think soda or bean burritos had even been invented yet. That’s a drag, man! I think even Bill and Ted skipped those times, and Doctor Who always brought his own tea. No wants to go back to those times, do they? It’s cool to write fiction about those times, but it’s only cool when you’re writing the stuff in air-conditioned goodness. Yeah.

Remember: I’m dumb. While I type this, I’m watching Billy Madison and wishing someone I loved would give me a whole bunch of Snack Packs (Pack or Pak? Who pays attention to the packaging when life is too short not to just tear off the lid and immediately eat delicious chocolate and banana pudding?). With dumbness comes impatientesqueness (and a creative vocabulary!). If a movie is going to be more than two hours long, it had been better interesting the whole way through.

Not so with the seemingly endless Troy. There is typical drama on both sides of this war, with Hector (Eric Bana) being mad with his brother Paris (Orlando Bloom) for absconding with the lovely Helen (Diane Kruger), who is hot yet married to ugly king guy Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson), brother of king of kings Agamemnon (Brian Cox) who takes the slight to his brother as an excuse to make war and conquer EVERYTHING... that is, “everything” circa those times, which means like a little bit of land. Ah, simpler times.

In all this is Achilles (Brad Pitt), who is adored by the people (especially those slave gals!) for being the best warrior ever and hated by Agamemnon for being an impertinent disrespectful dude. But Achilles is protected by the gods, or something, so he can’t be killed. Or can he? If you pay any attention to injury lists in sports you might have an inkling of what is in Achilles’ future, or if you read the source material you know anyway. Anyway, there are a few land battles between huge armies of computer generated guys with swords and spears, which are boring, and some man-to-man battles between Achilles and other dudes, which are also somehow boring. Troy is boring, when you think about it. My friend Lindsey loved it, but she admitted the love is based largely in her lust for Brad Pitt. So keep that in mind.

I don’t mind them making movies about great books. But why don’t they make good movies based in cool books, like The Westing Game? Did they make a movie about that book? That book is cool. I wish I could say I figured out the mystery before Turtle did, but I didn’t. But you know how good, even great, films give you a cool feeling that sticks with you even out of the theater? Troy didn’t give me any kind of feeling except abject emptiness. It tries vainly to be epic entertainment, but really only manages adequate entertainment. It’s not really memorable either, in my opinion. Maybe I’m wrong! Let me know, but chances are unless you’re an egghead or a bookworm, Troy will bore you, too. Check out Billy Madison instead, or read The Westing Game if you want some intellectual stimulation. You’ll thank me soon!

Shalen's Rating: Sometimes even that many bare man-legs aren't enough.
Shalen's Review: I've been reading one or two other critics' sites recently, not just of film, but also of webcomics. (A particularly good one is Websnark) And as I do that, I've begun to ask myself: why do I review films I know are bad? Do I really enjoy them with lighthearted, childlike wonder? Or am I deliberately looking for people who are incompetent filmmakers so I can tear their work to shreds — in effect, cruelly shooting lame ducks? Or am I nitpicking too many things that others find honestly entertaining simply in order to satisfy my own desire to angrily denounce things at large?

"They sell it. I buy it. I mock it."

Well, I know it's not that last one, because I angrily denounce things at large all the time. I'm not the least bit deprived there. I think, when I consider it carefully, that it's really more of a mixture of items #1 and #2. I mean, let's face it. Most filmmakers aren't out to make a deep, profound statement about the human condition. They're in it for the money. And as long as they keep doing their thing, I can expect to see plenty of expensively pretty folks spouting wooden dialogue in between the mindless, improbable action scenes I love so well. They sell it. I buy it. I mock it. It's a good arrangement, because I stay entertained and most of them stay wealthy.

Which brings us, by this roundabout route, to Troy. It's a little funny to me to read Kyle's review on the subject of why history is not exciting, because Troy is not based on history. It's based on an epic poem by Homer, which incorporated lots of what modern man considers fantasy elements, such as direct divine intervention in human affairs. So, not only does Troy miss some historical facts about the period of time in which it is supposed to have occurred,¹ it's not remotely true to the POEM on which it is based. (See the "Didja Know?" section for a few examples.)

I won't go into the spoilers here, but imagine a version of Hamlet wherein Hamlet is played by Vin Diesel. King Claudius tries to rape Ophelia and is killed by Laertes, who is then stabbed to death by Queen Gertrude. Hamlet poisons Gertrude and runs away with Ophelia, only to die in a carriage accident as she holds him in her arms. That's about how much this is like The Iliad.

They managed to get pouty, immature Achilles down pat, though. Brad Pitt was a great choice for the role for just that reason. That being the case, it's really too bad they made him basically the protagonist.² It was nice to see Sean Bean get to play someone who survives the movie. It's probably why Odysseus is looking so smug as the end credits roll.

But that's not really a reason not to watch the movie. It has some very nice battle scenes, and I was interested to see just how one does (or might, or might not) fight with a shield and javelin at close range. There are, of course, some of the most famously pretty male faces of recent date present for viewing, and some less famous but still lovely female ones for those interested. There's a LOT of wailing soundtrack, which has been noted much more humorously by Cleolinda over on m15m (and I urge you to read her parodies without delay).³

Sorry, Kyle, I disagree. Eggheads and bookworms have better things to do with our time — like watching Sir Ian McKellan in Richard III again. This is, indeed, the winter of our discontent.

1. Not that I can tell you what they are. I majored in Biology and Chemistry. I'm pretty sure the ancient Achaeans didn't have English accents, though.
2. Although they "forgot" he and Patroclus were lovers. Alexander the Great seems to have had a "He was straight! Honest!" whitewash recently, too. And in these politically correct times. Tsk.
3. http://www.livejournal.com/community/m15m/1487.html

Orlando, you're not making any great strides forward in proving you're a man, here Try and slice me as hard as you can The people of Troy: outgoing, but none too bright

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Brad Pitt trained for six months to get into shape for the role. He trained to have his body look like that of Greek statues.
• Wolfgang Petersen dropped the various Greek Gods from the storyline (Zeus, etc) claiming them to be silly and unnecessary to the plot.
• SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS! Changes were made to keep the plot simple. According to the Illiad (that inspired the movie), Paris was killed during the war. Helen then married Paris' brother, Deiphobus, who was also killed. After the Greeks captured Troy, Helen and Menelaus were reunited and returned to Sparta. In the film, Menelaus is slain by Hector, while Helen escapes Troy with Andromache, Aeneas, and the other Trojan refugees. END END END SPOILERS!
• When Paris is helping the citizens of Troy escape, he hands Priam's sword to a young man named Aeneas and tells him that as long as the sword is in the hands of a son of Troy, the Trojans will survive. This is an obvious reference to Virgil's Roman epic "Aeneid", which tells the story of a prince of Troy named Aeneas leading the survivors of Troy through a series of hardships before finally settling in Italy and founding Rome.
• As Achilles strolls along the beach and among the unpacking Greeks, he teases Odysseus about being the last one to show up. This is an in-joke for those familiar with the Odyssey, which tells the story of how, due to the animosity of various gods, Odysseus was the last Greek to return home from Troy.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

No idea. Probably not: after this long movie (163 minutes!) you’ll need a bathroom break or three!

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

The impending war in Iraq forced the production to move from Morocco to Baja California Sur, Mexico in February 2003. The movie was originally scheduled to use Malta as well as Morocco and other African countries for filming.

Brad Pitt, who plays Achilles had a mishap during the production -- he tore his left achilles tendon.

Brad Pitt and Eric Bana both did their own fighting scenes. They also made an agreement that they would pay for every hit they accidentally made. The costs were $50 for a lighter blow and $100 for a hard blow. Brad Pitt ended up paying $750 to Eric Bana, who didn't have to pay Brad Pitt anything.

Historians are sharply divided on the question of whether or not the Trojan War actually occurred -- and if it did, which archaeological site is actually Troy. Discoveries made at the beginning of the 21st century provide new evidence of several armed battles in the right area at the right time -- but definitive proof is hard to find, due largely to the historical practice of constructing one city on the ruins of another. Homer's Illiad (and other similar epics depicting the Trojan War) were written hundreds of years after the Trojan War supposedly occurred, and are of little use in determining factual historical events as they included many mythological elements: gods such as Apollo, Zeus, and Hera were central characters in the story who drastically affected the course of the war by killing and/or saving individual people during the conflict. The producers' decision to eliminate all mythological elements from the story gives their film an air of historical authenticity not present in the original works.

Two biologist were employed to protect the eggs of turtles on the beaches of Mexico where filming took place.

Wolfgang Petersen originally didn't want Helen to appear in the movie. He felt that an actress couldn't live up to the audience's expectations, but the producers insisted she appear. Petersen went with an unknown actress for the same reason.

In Homer's Iliad, Patroclus is not Achilles' cousin, he is his foster brother and, according to many scholars, Achilles' lover.

Groovy Quotes

Messenger Boy: The Thessalonian you're fighting, he's the biggest man I've ever seen. I wouldn't want to fight him.
Achilles: That is why no one will remember your name.

Achilles: Imagine a king who fights his own battles. Wouldn't that be a sight?
[goes to fight Boagrius]
Agamemnon: Of all the warlords loved by the gods, I hate him the most.

Helen: You should not have come here tonight.
Paris: That's what you said last night?
Helen: Last night was a mistake.
Paris: And the night before?
Helen: I have made many mistakes this week.

Hector: No son of Troy will ever submit to a foreign ruler!
Agamemnon: Then every son of Troy shall die.

Priam: I've fought many wars in my time. Some I've fought for land, some for power, some for glory. I suppose fighting for love makes more sense than all the rest.

Agamemnon: A great victory was won today, but that victory was not yours. Kings do not kneel to Achilles. Kings do not pay homage to Achilles.
Achilles: Perhaps the kings were too far behind to see: the soldiers won the battle.
Agamemnon: History remembers KINGS, not soldiers! Tomorrow we'll batter down the gates of Troy. I'll build monuments for victory on every island of Greece. I'll carve Agamemnon in the stones.
Achilles: Be careful King of kings. First you need the victory.

Paris: I won't ask you to fight my war.
Hector: You already have.

Priam: Do you love her, my son?
Paris: Father, you are a great king, because you love all of Troy. Every blade of grass, every rock in the river... That is the way I love Helen.

Achilles: Before my time is done I will look down on your corpse and smile.

Helen: Before you came to Sparta, I was a ghost. I walked and I ate and I swam in the sea. I was just a ghost.
Paris: You don't have to fear tomorrow. Come with me!
Helen: Don't play with me. Don't play.
Paris: If you come, we'll never be safe. Men will hunt us. The Gods will curse us... but I'll love you. Until the day they burn my body, I will love you.

Achilles: [when asked why he let Hector go] It's too early in the day to kill Princes.

Achilles: [to his men] Do you know what's waiting beyond that beach? Immortality! Take it! It's yours!

Achilles: Let me tell you a secret, something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment may be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be more lovely than you are now. We will never be here again.

Thetis: Your glory walks hand-in-hand with your doom.

Soundtrack Review

Let me (Kyle) tell you something: I don’t remember a thing about it. That’s how memorable it was. I bet it was sweeping and melodramatic and appropriately epic, but it was also disposable and . . . too boring to talk about. Imagine if Avril Lavigne had done the entire soundtrack. Imagine it! I would have dug it! I would have bought it! Avril, doing a soundtrack to some movie (hopefully a good, nay, a great movie) is the way to immortality! Take it! It’s yours!

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Saving Private Ryan
• Army of Darkness
• Fight Club