Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"Hey Dr. Jones! No time for love!"

1984 PG / Action Adventure Directed by: Steven Spielberg Starring: Harrison Ford, Kate Capshaw, Jonathan Ke Quan

Tagline

If adventure has a name... it must be Indiana Jones.

Summary Capsule

Indy's back, and he's got a bad case of the sidekicks.

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Amazon.com: DVD | Amazon.com: Soundtrack

PoolMan's Rating: I used to play linebacker for the St. Louis Mola Rams (ba da BUM!)

PoolMan's Review: Okay. So, pretend you're Steven Spielberg for a minute (and not his cheap Mexican equivalent) in the early 80's. You've created Raiders of the Lost Ark, and yeeha, it's taken right off! People love it! Everyone wants a brown fedora, and bullwhips once again become the greatest accessory for a night on the town (trust me, you don't want to go to THOSE nightclubs). A sequel seems in order, so you settle down to make Indy 2.

"The infamous dinner scene features not one, not two, not three, but FOUR of the most stomach-turning courses available to make what must be the sickest movie meal ever, outside of the Atkins/Lecter diet (brains are high in protein, low in carbs!)"

Well, the first thing you need to do is make sure you're not being repetitive, so no Nazis. Change the bad guys to an Indian cult. And get an even more loudmouthed woman for the romantic lead. And hey, while you're at it, throw in another sidekick, just to throw out some more straight lines. All right, what else... ah! We'll make Indy even grouchier, the gross scenes even grosser, and tone up the violence (but tone down the humour, don't want it getting too slapsticky)!

You'll notice that by the time Last Crusade came out, every single one of these points was reversed.

By the third movie, they're back to Nazis, understated women, no sidekicks, a more charming Indy, less Fear Factor dining, and action sequences that were much more clever. In my eyes, Temple of Doom is and always will be the Indiana Jones movie that doesn't fit. Universally regarded as the least favourite of the existing Jones Trilogy, ToD somehow takes a lot (but not all!) of the fun out of what made the other two great and replaces it with a much colder, darker attitude.

ToD is actually the prequel to Raiders (although I'm not sure why), set in 1935 in India. After a run-in with a Chinese gangster, Indy ends up saddled with brassy bar singer Willie Scott, who proceeds to win the Oscar for Whiniest Female In a Supporting Role EVER. Together with Indy's cohort, a tiny Chinese kid named Short Round, they are unceremoniously dumped in the middle of India, in a village whose children and magic rock have been stolen. Indy naturally takes up the quest to rescue the rock, and in his one nice moment in the movie, he also decides the issue of the missing kids should maybe be looked into as well.

Now, before you angrily storm off to write me nasty emails about how great Harrison Ford really is, relax. I know that. The "worst" Indiana Jones movie is still better than most of the action movies out there, 80's or not. But I've yet to meet a single real Indy fan who doesn't place Temple of Doom squarely in last place amongst the films in the trilogy.

Unfortunately, in trying to make the movie bigger, better, and unique, Spielberg and Lucas undermined a lot of the charms of the Indiana Jones character. Here, in ToD, he's dark, much more humourless. He snaps at his teammates on a few occasions, sometimes due to black magic, sometimes because he's apparently just become a big jerk. And the movie is just gross. The infamous dinner scene features not one, not two, not three, but FOUR of the most stomach-turning courses available to make what must be the sickest movie meal ever, outside of the Atkins/Lecter diet (brains are high in protein, low in carbs!). Not to mention the nightmare-inducing scene where the Thuggee cult leader removes a man's beating heart and then lowers him screaming into a pool of molten lava (scarred the young PoolMan for many a year, I assure you). Yeesh! And if all that isn't already enough, it vilifies religions in India, glorifies sexism (man, did PoolGirl ever NOT dig the scene at the end where Indy whips Willie to get her to come to him), and depicts violence against women and children.

Hey, this gives me an idea... let's just have a look at the IMDb's info... writing credits... ah, look at that. My hunch was correct. George Lucas was the only credited story writer on Temple of Doom. (For Raider, he worked with another writer for story, and for Crusade, he wasn't credited for story writing at all). COLOUR ME SURPRISED! I'm surprised Indy wasn't revealed to have a high midichlorian count.

Still, it's Indiana Jones. I'm being hard on it because it's the weakest of the three Indy movies, but it's still Indy. That means whipping, shooting, nasty badguys, and a certain hat that will just never go out of style (I own one. No seriously. I do). Not to mention the iconic mine cart chase scene at the end, which might be one of the most memorable and most often duplicated action scenes in movie history. Let's just hope for this eternally-rumoured fourth Indiana Jones, they stick Lucas in a closet with some action figures and a CGI map of Tunisia. "See ya next year, George!"

Kyle's Rating: A great barometer for how damaged someone's cinematic aesthetics are (if they happen to prefer this film over the others)

Kyle's Review: I can't remember when I first saw Temple of Doom, although it is easy to assume that it was via my infamous bootlegging grandma. I do remember with astonishing clarity when I had to lie to my elementary school super-crush that I liked TOD as well, in response to her telling me it was better than Raiders of the Lost Ark (from the start, I have had odd and completely self-destructive taste in women). Honestly, I think that was my very first major lie about such a thing, and looking back at the you-chose-your-own-adventure crossroads in my life it was probably the most significant decision that delivered me to the (in person) deceitful, placating liar I am today.

"A TOD apologist might look and act like you or me; their bizarre taste in movies and probably everything else not on display until you get to know the real person inside."

So thanks for that as well, George Lucas.

In a lot of ways, Temple of Doom isn't the abomination I tend to regard it as. The action figures they made for the film were FANTASTIC. I think I consigned Mola Ram and his henchmen early on to the junk tub o' toys, but that Indiana Jones action figure was really cool and fit in perfectly with my He-Man figures. Later, I would return to the smaller and more versatile Raiders toy line, but the TOD Indiana Jones always had a special place in my heart. Incidentally, I believe I lost the TOD Indy's whip on the way home from the store, which was a new record for me and kind of an aberration: while my living room and bedroom reflect my overall feelings towards organization (chaotic piles are always superior to any ordered system) I always stayed fairly OCD in keeping my toys and accessories safe and clean. Stupid whip.

But then, sadly, you ultimately have to return to the film to pass judgment. And the film itself is not my kind of colorful mess. Like the new installment, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I can sort of see how someone could love TOD. I would not want to hear their reasoning for such affection, nor would I care to speak with such a person for any prolonged amount of time. However, while someone who loved our favorite whipping horse The Doom Generation would be a freak through and through, a TOD apologist might look and act like you or me; their bizarre taste in movies and probably everything else not on display until you get to know the real person inside. No wonder riding on buses with possibly damaged strangers is so unnerving no matter where you live.

There is plenty for me to hate about TOD: the vaguely cool sets that eradicate any sense of splendor by being way too fake-looking, the romantic subplot obviously informed by Lucas' inhuman sensibilities toward sentiment and love (see: any scene with Padme in the Star Wars prequels), the preposterous-even-at-age-7 inflatable raft-as-parachute scene, Kate Capshaw. I enjoy Short Round, but his best lines are blunted by real world encounters with idiots, usually sporting ponytails, reciting them to be "cool" without realizing they are "scum." Although I will admit that ever since an ex-girlfriend's influence turned me into an unrepentant texting machine, I have probably texted "no time for love, doctor jones!" approximately 1,000,000 times as a statement/response/other to a million different friends. Some of whom almost certainly had no idea what I was talking about.

I wish I could exactly pinpoint what I dislike and find completely lacking about TOD, but it really is a blindspot to me. It fails to catch fire, inspire any kind of passionate response in me, and I never really found the heart-removing stuff cool at all. I like Indy's bridge gamble, and even though I found the climatic chase really dumb when I picked up some cheap Lego train track pieces at some Goodwill store I reenacted it (my way!) for fun. I honestly don't why I would gladly never watch it again, but maybe that inner voice is far more wise than you yourself could ever hope to consciously be and it is much more healthy in so many ways to listen to it, and stick your Temple of Doom DVD in some forgotten DVD wallet under the bed. Why waste time when you've got Raiders anyway?

"Honey, check the ticket. I thought we were seeing an Indiana Jones movie!" If they would JUST... STOP... SCREAMING... And women will COMPLAIN, years later, when Amidala's shirt rips because it's SO SEXIST.

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• The opening musical... wow, this just kind of keeps going and going, doesn't it?
• Somehow, being all of five feet from molten lava is a perfectly healthy activity. Shouldn't Willie be a frightening shade of black by the end?
• The sign outside the Chinese club is in plain english, in neon letters: Club Obi Wan.
• Okay, so the Indian Maharajah needs a little depth? I've got it! Random voodoo!
• Why does Lao even bring the antidote to the negotiations?
• Willie is a SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAMER!!! AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!
• The Paramount logo dissolves into the gong in the club.
• Although you never quite see his face, Dan Aykroyd gets a cameo as the man at the airport who puts Indy on the plane.
• Somehow the match IN Indy's hand casts a shadow OF Indy's hand on the wall!
• The soundtrack plays distinct character signature pieces depending on who's onscreen.
• The sound effect we hear in the opening sequence on the plane is the same failing-engine sound effect used when Han Solo's Millennium Falcon fails to crank up in The Empire Strikes Back

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Nah.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Temple of Doom is widely regarded as the film that created the PG-13 film rating in North America (sometimes paired up with Gremlins, which was released the same year). It was believed that the violence in the movie was above and beyond what was acceptable in a PG rated movie, but not quite bad enough for an R rating. Film lore says Spielberg threw his weight behind the creation of the new rating to keep Indy from being R rated, which would have hurt the box office take. (Red Dawn was the first movie released to theaters with the new PG-13 rating.)

The mine cart chase sequence was originally written for Raiders of the Lost Ark.

This was Stephen Spielburg's first sequel.

Groovy Quotes

Short Round: Hey Dr. Jones! No time for love!

Willie: Aren't you gonna introduce us?
Lao: This is Willie Scott, this is Indiana Jones, a famous archaeologist.
Willie: Well I always though that archaeologists were always funny looking men going around looking for their mommies.
Indy: Mummies.

[The pilots have parachuted off the plane, leaving the heroes to fend for themselves]
Willie: You know how to fly, don't you?
Indy: Um, no. Do you?

Chattar Lal: Dr Jones, wasn't it the Sultan of Madagascar who threatened to cut off your head if you ever returned to his country?
Indy: No, it wasn't my head.
Chattar Lal: Then your hands, perhaps?
Indy: No, it wasn't my hands. It was my... [glances downward] ... my misunderstanding.

Willie: Give me your hat.
Short Round: Why?
Willie: Because I'm gonna puke in it.

Indy: The biggest trouble with her is the noise.

Indiana Jones: Willie, Willie, Willie. What kind of a name is that? Is it short for something?
Willie: Willie is my professional name, "Indiana."
Short Round: Hey, lady! You call him Dr. Jones!
Indiana Jones: *My* professional name.

Short Round: What is Sankara?
Indiana Jones: Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory.

Short Round: You say to stand against the wall! I just do what you say! Not my fault! Not my fault!

DVD Review

LOVING the box set of Indiana Jones movies releases late in 2003. The three discs with the movies are good enough, but the fourth disc full of extras is definitely fun to go poking around in. Not as exhaustive as I would have liked, but you could certainly do worse.

Soundtrack Review

Ba ba bum buuuummmmmm... ba ba buuuuuuuuuummmm... ba ba bum buuuuummmm... ba ba bum bum bum! You know it, you love it. Interesting too, that they mix in the Short Round theme a LOT throughout the movie, but it certainly mixes the classic John Williams around.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Raiders of the Lost Ark
• Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
• Tomb Raider