[year/rating] 2003 R [genre] Hick Horror [director] Marcus Nispel [starring] Jessica Biel Jonathan Tucker R. Lee Ermey Andrew Bryniarski

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Inspired by a True Story

Summary Capsule

A group of young adults driving through Texas to reach a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert pick up a weird hitchhiker and encounter a weirder family and a guy wielding a... wait for it... chainsaw!

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Check out this movie in VHS or DVD, and the soundtrack CD

Kyle's Rating: I’ll take supernatural slashers over a skin-wearing serial killer any day.
Kyle's Review: There seems to be no disputing that Tobe Hooper’s original 1974 Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a classic film. Some might try to argue that it’s slow and a little boring and just a little bit too much to take on a regular or even singular basis, but for the most part we all just say “Yeah, it’s a classic” and move on to other topics. A lot of my friends, especially those who don’t watch a lot of horror, have gone out of their way to see the original Massacre, and while it hasn’t really blown any of their skirts up in a significant way there is a general consensus that it was “totally awesome” that the kid in the wheelchair got the ‘saw treatment. That’s some legacy!

"While it hasn’t really blown any of their skirts up in a significant way there is a general consensus that it was 'totally awesome' that the kid in the wheelchair got the ‘saw treatment."

So now, 30 years of infamy and occasional merchandising tie-in later (all the Leatherface toys are recent developments in the last several years; don’t try to tell me horror is dead!) along comes Michael Bay, semi-reviled film producer, to snatch up the rights to the story and remake it as a bigger budgeted ultimate slasher, with an intriguing trailer and several story variations to add flavor and danger. People were yelling that the film shouldn’t have been remade, then they were yelling because some thought the remake/reimaging was brilliant and others thought it was complete nonsense, now they’re yelling at me because I grabbed the last DVD copy at my favorite video store where they put out new releases five days in advance just because. I love it! Time to see what all that damn yelling is about, I decided, and slapped the brand new Texas Chainsaw Massacre into my DVD player. It’s go-time, baby.

So now I’ve seen the new one, and I watched the old one on a Halloween a while back. Let me first say that I am an ugly person, inside and out. You can probably pick that up from any of the pictures on the MRFH site. However, despite being unattractive, I’m at least human in appearance and somewhat vaguely “cute” to the point that I can score enough spare change while begging in Santa Monica to fund some pool games and a burger at Yankee Doodle during a Laker game on any given day (believe, I’ve proven this hypothesis time and time again). If the 2003 Massacre were out begging for change, people would fill the streets with vomit and animal control would come shoot a hundred darts into Massacre before carting it off to stick it in an electrified cage where it would stay for the rest of its life. It’s horrible, horrible, horrible, and I strongly urge that if you haven’t seen it yet you try to live the rest of life without doing so. You’ll be happier, cleaner, and more likely to find love and happiness in the long run.

I’ll admit that this movie has its strengths. There are plenty of people who love it, even to the point of exalting it over the original, and argue that the direction and cinematography and make-up and effects and overall dedication to putting gore and psychological filth alike on the big screen are second-to-none in the horror genre. That’s fine. There are plenty of films I love that are critically savaged and knocked for a variety of reasons. Whatever. It’s cool. We all have different taste. But after watching all of Massacre, all I could taste was bile. Bleh.

There are really only two strengths to Massacre: Jessica Biel and Erica Leershen. Holy snikes, are these two smokin’ hot. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Biel in anything else before, because that stupid baseball movie looks horrible (though a good buddy of mine said it wasn’t too bad) and although I tried on more than one occasion I could not stand more than a few seconds of television program 7th Heaven. Well, okay, I did buy that magazine from a few years back that Biel posed 95% nude in (stupid camera angles infringed on 5% of the fun, though). Other than that, I haven’t see her in anything. She’s super hot! The voice is a weird mishmash of smoky and raw, but I was told today that my voice is “incredibly annoying” and that was from a girl I dated, so there you go. However, I’ve got to give it to Leershen as the smokin’est hot-ilicious-nest girl in the film. There is no comparison: she is hot, thin, red-headed, and actually exists in a realm of attractiveness that is beyond superhot. Leershen, who was 100% naked in Blair Witch 2, is incredible and lovely and should be, hmm, the next Bond girl. Sure. Why not? Go Pierce go!

I went heavily into the awkward female celebrity love there because I’m tired of talking about this movie. It was so bad that I ended up speeding through some scenes just to see the girls on-screen again, even if it was during horrible scenes of torture and degradation. For one thing, I guess I’m just firmly in the camp of “fun slasher movie fan,” where for as serious as the film gets you can still perceive the influence of countless campy hack ‘n’ slash movies influencing everything and it takes the edge off. For Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the perceived influences seem to be actual war footage and snuff films. No thanks. I don’t know if it’s all too real (in a certain kind of way) or if it’s just too gross, but it’s not my cup of tea. If you liked the original, you might like this, but if you tend to avoid movies that features lengthy scenes of a homicidal maniac sowing a new mask out of the skin of his victims, avoid seeing this for as long as possible. You might regret missing Biel and Leershen, but at least you’ll sleep peacefully at night.

"I'm oily! And hot! What the heck am I doing in this flick?" Ash lent his chainsaw to his neighbor Bill On The Road With Rednecks

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• John Larroquette did the narration over the opening text crawl of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Apparently, despite being much more famous nowadays, he “happily” agreed to do the opening narration for this remake as well. He’s gotta a cool voice
• The severed head of Harry Jay Knowles from Ain't It Cool News can be seen in the basement of Leatherface's house.
• A deleted subplot detailed Erin being pregnant, which was why, when they went to Mexico, she didn't "drink the water" or "smoke the weed", as they talked about in the final cut.
• There's a homage to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre regarding each films leading ladies Erin (2003) and Sally (original). In the remake, Erin pulls out a knife to unpick a lock. When asked where she got it from, she replies "from my brother". In the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Sally's brother Franklin is obsessed with his knife, and at one point in the film gives it to Sally.
• I guess in Texas, losing a limb isn’t the major debilitating pain that you’d think it would be, since a couple character lose an appendage here and there yet keep on truckin’.
• R. Lee Ermey is revered by oh so many for being a zany guy in loads and loads of movies. A lot of the Chainsaw remake said Ermey in his role as the mysterious sheriff was a highlight of the movie. Okay. He’s fine, but chances are you’ll be transfixed by his crazy eyebrows if you watch the film. Be prepared to deal with his distracting eyebrows and you should be okay.
• The young group is listening to "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd in the van at the beginning of the film. The film takes place between 18 and 20 August 1973. The song was not released until 1974, featured on the band's album, "Second Helping".

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Nah, I don’t think it’s worth it to even make it to the credits. But if you make it through the movie, you’ll just be talking about the weird Blair Witch Project-esque ending anyway, and probably agreeing with whoever you’re with that it was pretty stupid.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Daniel Pearl, cinematographer for the original 1974 version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, reprised the position for this movie.

Erin's last name was supposed to be Hardesty, the same last name as lead character Sally (Marilyn Burns) from the original Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Gunnar Hansen was asked to play the role of the trucker in the end of the film.

On the 2-disc DVD set, there’s a special feature highlighting Ed Gein, a real-life sicko on whom Leatherface is partially based. See how realistic Texas Chainsaw Massacre can be? Yuck.

Groovy Quotes

Morgan: I'm sorry, but how often do girls blow their heads off in this s**thole town.

Morgan: Oh my god, I am WAY too stoned for this!

Andy: Well, I guess that's what brains look like... Sort of like... Lasagna... Kind of... Okay, I'll shut up now.

Morgan: I was like Erin don't drink the water down there...
Erin: I didn't!
Kemper: And she didn't drink the tequila, she didn't drink the weed, smoke the weed.

Erin: I didn't go to Mexico to watch you get s**t-faced for four days.
Kemper: That's what you do in Mexico!

Pepper: I don't know about you guys, but I happen to like my teeth right where they are.

Sheriff Hoyt: I smell bulls**t.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
• Wrong Turn
• Henry, Portrait of a Serial Killer