It was a summer day like any other. The grass was green, the swimming pools full of chlorinated pee, and the MRFH Forums were hopping full of light and fluffy subjects. Peaceful, that is, until JasonKelp came to town.

Now, for a website that's fairly opinionated and probably not just a bit idiotic, we here at MRFH have received surprisingly few flames over the years. Maybe that's partially due to our genial attitudes, or perhaps due to Drew's genitals, no one can say. What we can tell you is that this complacency kept us off our guard... and then the bomb hit.

On July 15, 2004, a German Star Trek fan landed on our forums, irate at the reviews (okay, Justin's reviews) on MRFH, and proceeded to "correct" our faulty reviews. It quickly became a massive post of beauty, one which you could not read without both laughing and feeling disturbed that someone even geekier than us was out there.

While we're okay with people disagreeing with us — it DOES happen — and we're nice to most everyone on the forums, this guy was a special case. I think it's a testament to our forumites that this guy wasn't flamed back into the stone age, but just responded to with humor and incredulity. Here, presented for your enjoyment, is the entire uncut post of Mr. JasonKelp and the resulting fallout. Just remember, as far as we know... this was not a joke. At least, to this guy.

JasonKelp's posts will be presented in italic. Spelling preserved as was written.

The quotes he pulled from our review pages are in bold.

The original thread entitled "Criticism on some reviews"

Well, I read Justins' reviews of Star Trek films and I must say that they are the most ridiculus film reviews I've ever read. No offense, but they are very subjective and the author seems to have a very negative opinion on Star Trek.

And obviously the author (Justin) didn't really pay attention to what people said on the films.

You said that things are strange or so and explained the films as if they were some silliy people jumping around and killing aliens without a reason. But that proves that you didn't understand much of the film.

First my links to the different reviews (I only read 4 of them):

Review of ST:Generations

Review of ST:First Contact

Review of ST:Insurrection

Review of ST:Nemesis

I will quote wrong facts and/or subjective content that hasn't anything to do there where it is and tell you the right facts and/or that what you wrote is highly subjective.

Note: It is obvious that I am a Trekkie myself. But I assure you that I didn't write my own opinion in the following. I only wrote facts that are stated in the film. I assumed some things, but I have always stated what I assume.

But let us start:

ST:Generations

dressing up gruff Klingons into cute widdle sailor outfits, and pushing them overboard into a holographic ocean

The whole scene on the holodeck was kind of a joke by the crew, imitating an old sailor tradition.

"Captain! There's a bumblebee off the starboard nacelle phaser relay!"

Well, I never heard Worf saying anything about a bumblebee on the warp nacelles. Anyway, an insect on one of them would freeze within seconds cause it would be in the vacuum of space.

The crew, with their subtle racist personalities, will crack a joke at your limited acting range.

Obviously you didn't understand the term "racism"

4. Grimace. Grimace as if your life depended on it. Then look away, ashamed that your Klingon heritage has come to wearing gaudy bandoleers and working for puny fleshbags.

This proves that you don't know anything about the Klingon culture

But since he has the mental capacity of one of the less intelligent Muppets, the only way he figures he can do this is to first try to drive a starship -- full of other, less Nexusly-inclined people -- into the wave

The vessel wasn't driven inside the wave, the ships were obviously surprised by it and couldn't escape it. By the way the wave is a highly unstable and massive change in local space curvature that provides access to another universe. And if you know anything about physics you'll have to admit that such a thing would be very dangerous to anyone who gets stuck in the turbulences.

And if you'd listened to what Guinan says later in the film, you'd know that, before this contact with the Nexus, nobody onboard those two ships knew about the it nor were addicted to it.

When that fails, he formulates the brainfart to somehow move the wave to crash into an entire PLANET -- which is of course, full of even more of those pesky people who like living

The planet Dr. Soran wanted to be touched by the Nexus ws inhabited

I know that that's a mishmash of the entire story, but trust me, they don't explain it much better in the film.

Oh yes, they do. It is explained that some suns near the path the Nexus follows have an influence on it. As Dr. Soran found a way to stop nuclear fusion within the suns, he could blow them up and change the gravitational balance in those sectors. This affected the Nexus's course so that it finally touched Viridian 3's surface, were Soran waited for it to suck him into the other universe.

(say, just wearing a space suit and floating out to meet it), but that would make SENSE.

No, it wouldn't. In the beginning of the film, we have seen that an encounter with the Nexus in open space is lethal. t destroyed two spaceships, how do you wanna survive inside it wearing only a spacesuit?

I could even put up with the plot, such as it is, if they didn't include a reaaaaaaaaaly loooooooooooooong segment where Picard enters the Nexus, nothing happens fooooooooorever

What do you expect a Star Trek movie to be? An action film à-la Rambo? There are some really interesting discussions inside of the Nexus

His death isn't so much upsetting as are the pointless circumstances that led up to it. Picard, you idiot, he was happy in the Nexus thing! You didn't need to take him out of it, considering that he didn't even really help you defeat the bad guy anyway!

Well, we could of course separate Picard into three and both running after Soran, evade disruptor shots AND search a remote control device. JK

Again, it's like Kirk's death, in that the details were almost random and certainly without a greater meaning. Some wimpy female Klingons attack the Enterprise, get a really, really lucky shot in, and end up overloading the core

If you had listened to anything said in the film, you'd know that Dr. Soran installed a hidden transmitter in Geordi LaForge's Visor. Geordi is blind and has some kind of eye-replacement, too long to explain now. Dr. Soran cause the Visor to send the data both to Geordi's brain and to the Klingon ship. When Geordi was in main engineering, there was a panel showing the Enterprise's shield modulation. And if you know the modulation of a shield, you can re-configure your weapons so that they pass through it.

So the shields were useless against the Klingon Bird of Prey and the disruptor shots directly hit the hull, which caused much damage.

And they didn't overload the core. The system was just highly damaged. And as a matter/antimatter reaction system is highly sophisticated (Research on this form of energy-creation in Reality proves that), even only one non-working part of the whole system could cause a containment breach.

This forces the Enterprise to separate it's top half (the "Canada section") from the lower half (the "USA section"), and then some bad piloting happens and they end up crashing even the part of the ship they saved.

Were did you take the Canade and USA thing from? Nothing of that is mentioned in the film.

And it wasn't some bad piloting. The shockwave that was caused by the explosion of the warp core and the secondary hull (the "lower half") disabled the impulse drive. So the already badly damaged ship crashed on the planet due to its' gravitation. Do you know what gravitation is? ;-)

ST:First Contact

They love their talk, they dig their techno-gadgets, but they'd rather try to teach an alien species the concept of "Manifest Destiny" through a series of lectures than pick up a phaser and learn how to fight like a man.

Again, I have to insist on the fact that Star Trek is not an action show/film. I can't understand how you got a Trekkie, except fore some things obviously don't know ANYTHING about the Star Trek universe.

Same thing about the comment about the phaser

The Borg, on yet another rampage to stomp on Earth, is blocked by the brand new Enterprise-E

Wrong, the borg-ship is distroyed by the whole fleet the the Federation dispatched to fight the borg-cube (Borg ships have geometric forms like spheres or cubes)

The two combatants square off like greasy cooks at a chili cookoff, and go at it with spicy jalopeno peppers.

Very interesting. I did't see any chilii or jalopeno peppers in the combat scene. Are you sure you're not hallucinating?

The Borg are crushed, due to Picard's insider knowledge of their stock exchange, and being the poor losers that they are, they just skeedadle back in time and essentially wipe out the human race.

Picard once was assimilated (Transformed into a Borg) himself. Then he was de-assimilated some days later and due to the collective mind of the Borg, he had much knowledge about the Borg ship. As the Borg-cube was already in a bad shape, Picard gave the order to fire on a weak point.

And you forget the fact that Picard could still hear the voice of the collective, so we may guess and say that he heard some kind of a status report about the borg ship.

The time-travel plan was obviously plan 2, otherwise the Borg would have travelled back in their own territory, without risking to have all of their attack ships destroyed.

So as the Enterprise crew fights Borg boarders on the ship, Picard and company take vacation time to screw around with history.

You forget to tell that the Enterprise followed the Borg ship back in history to prevent them from assimilating Earth. And Picard don't take vacation, they try to repair the damage already done by the Borg, which attacked the rocket base from which the first human FTL (Faster than light) space shuttle was launched, making the first contact with aliens possible. Again, you seem to have no knowledge about all this, although all this has been clearly explained in the movie

Faster than you can say "Prime Directive," they're exterminating animal species left and right, while killing Hitler as a baby

1. I don't remember any crew member of the Enterprise shooting at an animal.

2. The time travel leads to the time of the THIRD world war. But as it seems that you didn't pay much attention to the history lessons at school, you don't know that around the year 2063, Hitler is already dead for more than a century!!!

My aforementioned gripes come during two discussions in the film, both between Picard and the mysterious black lady from the past era whose name I am too lazy to check up on. It's Lily. The first conversation has Picard wowing her with Gene Roddenberry's humanistic view of the future. Namely, he starts bragging that they've all gotten SO advanced, that they no longer need money. She ooh's and ahh's, without thinking for a second how incredibly stupid that sounds.

I don't deny that the vision Gene Roddenberry had of the future is very utopic, but I think a world that doesn't need money is much more advanced than ours.

"We work to better ourselves and the course of humanity," Picard says. YEAH right. Not having money isn't a sign of an advanced civilization, it's just a sign that Picard's a big liar.

Why isn't it? If you don't need money, there is no poverty. And why is Picard lying? What he says is true, the 24th Century as it is showed in Star Trek correspond exactly to what he said.

And haven't there been numerous Star Trek references to "credits" and "gold-pressed latinum" or whatever the heck that is?

Yes, there have been. But obviously you didn't pay attention to the fact that Latinum is not used for paying on Earth. It is used elsewhere in the Federation.

BTW: Latinum is a very rare, liquid substance that is mined in nebulas. To pay with it, bars of gold are filled with Latinum, so that you don't have to pay in liters on latinum.

You don't fight a war by cutting your losses the second you get a fatality; sometimes you run, but sometimes you hold the line no matter what. As I see it, the Enterprise had a duty to fight the Borg to the bitter end, seeing as how they were literally the last line of defense between the Borg and Earth. Whoever has the most guts usually wins the fight, and Picard shows the cojones that are needed.

1. The Borg Home territory is located at the other end of the galaxy, so it is rather hard to get there with a war fleet

2. Of course the Enterprise had the duty to fight them because she was the last Federation ship! History was changed by the Borg, and all other Federation ships never existed!

3. You forget the fact that most parts of the Enterprise and large numbers of crewmembers were assimilated by the Borg AND that their shield system adapts to Federation weapons. And I guess it's rather hard to shoot an enemy who's invulnerable to your weapons, or am I wrong?

Yet Lily violently disagrees with him, associating Picard with Moby Dick in a blind quest for revenge. She wants Picard and crew to jump ship, blow it up, and live out their lives on Earth. Now, the movie and script come around to portraying hers as the correct decision, but this is about the most moronic choice that a battle commander could make. COMPLETELY putting aside the whole "future people living in the past would change history" question, it's just plain crazy to cut and run at this point

Why is it a wrong decision? If Picard hadn't come to engineering to help Data escapting the Borg (Data was captured by them before, but they couldn't assimilate him cause he's not human, he's an android), Data would probably not have deactivated the self destruct sequence.

And by the way: The Borg had no idea how to deactivate the sequence, it was Data who did it, fooling the Borg-queen.

Nice thought that several hundred future guys would disturb history, but it's

1. Better than a Borg-controlled history and

2. They choosed a small island to land on, probably on that wasn't inhabited. So they probably wouldn't have interfered with history

They didn't need some compassionate therapist for a captain at that time, they needed a military commander who wasn't afraid to make the tough decisions. A good military commander doesn't go, "Oh man, some of my soldiers are actually getting hurt... I better pull back! I'm a failure!"

His "soldiers" were not hurt, they were assimilated and started to fight their former crew!!! Obviously you forgot to mention that when you wrote the review.

ST:Insurrection

The Prime Directive is some sort of Federation-only law that says everyone has to keep their grimy mitts off of worlds that are still developing, aka "haven't discovered warp drive yet"

Once a culture has developed the warp drive, it is only a matter of time before they exit their solar system. So it is better to contact them before they do, cause otherwise they may encounter unfriendly people like the Borg, the Breen or the Cardassians.

This law is supposedly more sacred than Hindu cow urine, but if you've seen more than one episode of any Star Trek, you'll know that nobody gives a rip about it

Some orders like the "Omega directive" (Too long to explain, ask if you wanna know) are more powerful than the prime directive.

And mostly the people who violated the prime directive were either in great danger, crash-landed on a planet so they had no choice but to contact the people living there, followed an order like the Omega directive or crash-landed and were discovered by the pre-warp civilisation living on that planet

On a good day, Captain Kirk would violate the Prime Directive and remold primitive societies in his image before breakfast.

I doubt he would

Captain Picard, too, found it irresistible to accidentally "crash land" on a primitive planet in order to strut about proclaiming how awesome the Federation is now that they have TiVos installed on every deck of the Enterprise

And where is the proof that he didn't crash-land accidentaly? And what the hell is TiVos? I know much about Star Trek technology, but never heard this term

Basically, the Prime Directive is a big honkin' joke, and because it is, there is little to no tension underlying Star Trek: Insurrection.

Only criminal Star Trek officers or organisations like Section 31 (A kind of CIA, but even more dangerous) broke the prime directive

Prepare for some mighty leaps of logic and believability as you go in to see the ninth Star Trek flick, for the scriptwriters were out on holiday and carelessly left the file cabinet unlocked for the interns to discover

I doubt they were on holidays :-P

There's this planet, see, with some 600 human-aliens, see, who are basically immortal because the planet has "regenerating rings" or some such crap

To be exact, there is metaphasic radiation generated by the planets' rings which continually regenerates the genetic structure of people.

You'd think that if you lived forever, you'd have a buttload of kids running around, but 600 is all we got

They seemed to be much more advanced in thinking than us. Obviously, they thought that building up an all-new civilisation would lead to the destruction of Ba'Ku (The planet the action takes place on), as has lead and still leads to the destruction of Earth (I mean in reality).

They're also very back-to-nature, doing just nearly everything outside, including making quilts, spinning pottery and playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 10 on their wooden Nintendos.

hey believe that letting a maschine do someone's work take away a part of this person.

And BTW: I haven't seen any wooden nintendos on the planet. Again, you state wrong facts. That is very unprofessional for a review-writer.

Since they're pre-warp and all, the Federation is powerless to set up resort spas, but that doesn't stop them from constructing deer blinds (cloaked in invisibility, no less) to spy on the Amish. Excuse me, but since when did the Federation have cloaked ANYthing, including little invisible suits? Wouldn't something like that come in handy all the time, not just when you wanted to play peeping tom in the women's showers? I'll bet you non-existent Federation money that we'll never, ever see the invisible suits again.

They didn't cloak their outpost down there. If you'd know a bit about the Star Trek universe, you had recognised that the outpost was hidden behind the hologram of a rock-formation.

And indeed, we will probably not see the suits again, cause the whole action was illegal and probably Section 31 was involved, too. And those people don't care about laws.

Data goes haywire on the planet and the Enterprise gets called in to take the android home and put him to bed, as it is far past his curfew

Data gets shot after he discovered the real plan of the Federation. That damages some of his memory chips. After that, he becomes somehow mad and his ethic principles took over his control. And as the relocation of a species is well... Not good ;-), he starts to fight the people who plan it

It turns out that there's another race of cosmetic surgery-addicted aliens out to steal the magical rays from the Fountain of Youth Planet, led by F. Murray Abraham from the school of vague overacting. If you try to read into the contemporary parallels, we've got the evils of Hollywood and plastic surgery trying to vamp off of the pure life of the Amish. Weird. Really weird.

Just to mention it: F. Murray Abraham plays the So'na Leader Ru'afo.

And the So'na are Ba'ku, but, after a little war, they left were banned from the planet and then started to attack some minor species.

But as they left the planet, the effect of the metaphasic radiation stopped, and they started to become older. So they used medicine to maintain themselves alive. If you had listened to what people said, you'de know that this has absolutely nothing to do with plastic surgery. They exchange the skin of their people cause it probably started to foul.

The cosmetic surgery aliens have a plan to relocate the 600 Amish using a big holodeck ship to recreate the Amish's village, but their plan is discovered by the Enterprise, and Picard is incensed that someone other than he is taking poetic license to the Prime Directive

Ru'afo doesn't care about the Prime directive. Did you forget that he isn't even part of the Federation?

The Enterprise can't contact Starfleet as they're in a part of the galaxy that blocks communications, of course, so they are on their own to deal with the problem. Picard thinks long and hard how to stop a forced relocation, and finally comes up with a golden solution: to force a relocation of his own!

They are in a region named "Briar Patch", which is ful with interferences that block communication.

And Picard doesn't want to relocate them himself, he wants to protect them!

It's a thrilling and exciting tale of watching people walk from point A to B, so I hope you brought your hiking boots! Don't trip over your own boredom!

You forget to mention combat drones and shuttles shooting homing devices at people so that they can be beamed up by a ship in the orbit (The transporters of the shuttles/ships couldn't get a lock on the people because of interferences eminating from some strange materials inside of the mountains, dunno what it was).

So it isn't a just walk from A to B

In the end, our evil is a little less than their evil, so we win the day and all get to feel younger in spirit and body. Except for losing two hours to a movie that teaches us that boob lifts will eventually make us into mass murderers.

Obviously, you didn't understand much of the film

ST:Nemesis

As possibly the last Star Trek: Next Generation-related film, this is not nearly the sort of classy send-off they gave the old Enterprise crew back in Star Trek 6, but not for lack of trying

That is a matter of opinion, I'll come back on that later

They've got the whole crew back including (God help us all) Wesley Crusher in a disturbingly brief cameo

Yes, in this case you are right. It is very illogical that Wesley Crusher got back to the ship.

Also, it seems like Picard watched Star Trek: Voyager from time to time, because Janeway pops up on his TableTV unit.

Again: If you'd know anything about Star Trek, you'd know that Voyager made it back home. And obviously, Captain Janeway was promoted to Admiral. And she doesn't pop up at his tableTV unit, she gives him new orders via subspace communication.

Here begins the Star Trek flashbacks; this "peace overture" reminded me a lot of Star Trek 6's Klingon-Federation theme.

Isn't that appropriate? The last act of the Original Enterprise's crew was making possible peace between Klingons and the Federation.

The last film-act of the TNG crew is making possible peace between Federation and Romulans.

Basically it's all a big ruse to get Picard within punching range so that his bald clone can beat the snot out of him. That's it. That's all you need to know about this film. Everything else is just cut 'n paste window dressing

You are wrong. Shinzon was created so that he could grow up much faster. But when this "feature" of him wasn't activated, his cellular structure started to de-generate. He needed Picard to survive.

Picard's clone shares the captain's baldness and, unfortunately, his desire to talk and talk and talk. Do you like speeches? Then you're going to LOVE Star Trek: Nemesis!

Again, you expect wrong things from Star Trek. Star Trek isn't an action movie, it was thought to be a tolerant serie. Did you know that Star Trek:The original Serie was the first TV-show that had multiple nationalities as main characters? Uhura, a black women, Chekov, Russian, at that time the USA's worst enemy!!! and Sulu, a asiatic man.

And Star Trek was the first TV-show showing a kiss between two people of different skin colors. You understand what I mean?

Get ready, get set and go see the movie that's going to hit you on the head with tacky, underdeveloped themes of revenge, identity and receding hairlines!

The film is about changes in life, death and the feeling that you are no longer exeptional. It ask "How would you feel if you'd find out that you've been cloned."

I don't call these themes undeveloped, and nor should you. Maybe you didn't understand them, but they are not undeveloped.

Is it a problem sign when I spend more time obsessing over little details in a movie than paying attention to the plot?

Yes, it shows that you like to nitpick. (No offense)

After they meet, Shinzon breaks out his lowrider spaceship, all jacked up with mecha-steroids and ready to kick some NCC-1701-E butt. Nobody ever plays nice in the recess of life, and Shinzon is nothing more than that annoying bully wanna-be, hoisting a big rock and waving it at people, hoping to get a little respect.

Again, you didn't pay attention to what people say.

Shinzon goes and chases Picard into some sort of green gas cloud, where they both stall out and try their hardest to re-enact the final battle from Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan. I mean, seriously! Are Star Trek scribes so out of ideas that they're scavenging battles from a mere eight films ago?

They weren't inside of the gas cloud, they were beside it. You would have seen it if they'd been inside it. And the battle is completely different from the one of ST:II , in multiple ways.

For example: The ST:II battle was fought out INSIDE of a nebula and because of the Nebula the shields were inactive. Neither nor happens in Nemesis.

Data gets a pretty numskulled story with a prototype Data that they find on a planet (this whole subplot makes NO sense when you try to piece it together afterwards, by the way).

And why doesn't it make sense? It took people a long time to find Data's other "brother", so why should they have found B-4 (The name of the android)?

Troi somehow gets mind-raped by a Romulan in an incredibly odd and pointless scene. Apparently Romulans can enter minds from miles away at will... at least beginning with this film, they can.

Okay, this is WRONG!!! It is not a Romulan breaking into her mind! It is a Reman! It appears that you didn't understand half of the film, cause both Remans and Romulans are in the center of the story. So Romulans can't, but Remans can't. That's something completely different!

And since when could she read minds or anything more than vague emotions from aliens?

The Reman broke into her mind twice (One scene was cut out of the film, but you can see it on the DVD), so as a telepath, she may be able to sense him.

In one TNG-episode, she did that, too. She "scanned" the Enterprise with her telepathic powers to find out weather there were many survivors after a catastrophy.

Riker gets a terribly boring fight, what with the prerequisite "jumping from above" moves and "kicking you off into the abyss" finale. Worf? Geordi? Crusher? Well, they get to fall down a lot when the ship shakes. It's gangs of fun, being in this movie!

I admit that some of the crewmembers had not very much to do. That is sad.

However, the fight is not that boring. Obviously, it's not your taste, but did you forget that a review should be objective, not subjective?

And theres a thing that you didn't notice: The Sovereign class has only 24 decks. But in the film, the Remans invade it on deck 29, which is impossible. And from deck 29 they fall down into a jefferies tube, and then the viceroy (The Reman Riker fights) falls down into an abyss.

Most Trekkies noticed this error. Obviously you did. I wonder how much knowledge about Star Trek you had during your Trekkie-period? (You somewhere said you were an ex-Trekkie)

Okay, these were most of the errors.

So, dear reades, you see: More than 80% of what dear Justin wrote is COMPLETELY WRONG OR SUBJECTIVE

I find it very unprofessional from you Justing, to have such a film-review side, but to write that subjective reviews. I didn't yet read other reviews, but I may write other texts like this if I have reason to.

Greetings,
Jason Kelp

What can we say? Ouchie.

"Best. Joke. Ever. ...right?" - Macaroni & Death

"Oooooooh... dissed! Justin got served!" - Drew

"If you feel our adored 500+ film review veteran leader Justin is unqualified to review Star Trek movies, then please feel free to enjoy the rest of your tour around the internet" - PoolMan

"Oh, I can die happy now. This is the reason this message board was invented - simply for this thread. Nothing else could possibly compare to it's majesty." - Rich

"You know, if Jason were a lawyer, I'd hire him every time." - DTH

"Life's waaaay too short to take our MRFH Grand Poobah to task for not agreeing with you." - Sue

"I would laugh much harder if I wouldn't sit there and compare the movies and books of Harry Potter in such obsessive detail." - Lissa

"Um... How much Star Trek do you watch? I mean, the show is great, and the movies are good as well, but... I can't even put it into words." - AwesomeColin

"*reads thread* ...whoa. Trippy... *keels over and dies*" - Ms. Jellybean

"Of course I'm not objective -- and the funny thing is, you don't WANT me to be objective, either. You want me to be extremely subjective, except you want it the way you feel. Which is fine, for you, but that's not for me." - Justin

"Seriously? Seriously? This is just some Spam/Flame/Joke, right?" - DruidGirl

For all of our responses and more of JasonKelp's Trekky wisdom, I'd encourage you to read the thread fully!