Longtime readers familiar with my comic-collectin’, Shakespeare-quotin’ ways may be surprised to learn that I’m actually quite the sports fan. Oh, not of obsessively watching them… the occasional game is fun, but I’ll never be able to tell you how many punts the Eagles returned for a touchdown last season, or what Alan Trammel’s batting average was in 1987. But playing them? You bet your taut, firm ass I’m down with that, baby. Baseball, football, curling, whatever… if you’re getting a game together, I’m in. Likewise, there have been no shortage of inspiring movies about athletic feats of splendor, from the broken records of Prefontaine to Billy Bob’s boot-‘n’-rally in Varsity Blues. And yet, it’s come to my attention that I’ve thus far failed to review or write an article about a single sports movie. Well, this madness ends today, as we take a look at some of the greatest sports movie moments of all time.

Now, fair warning before we begin: for a change, I’m gonna play this one pretty straight. That means, as great as they may be, you’re not going to find Rodney Dangerfield’s triple lindy from Back to School on this list, nor the classic Sandler/Barker brawl from Happy Gilmore. Likewise, Bill Murray won’t be droning on about the Dalai Lama’s golfing techniques, and Charlie Sheen will not be reviving the Indians franchise. Sorry... those are all some of my favorite movie moments, but none of them accurately represent truly great, inspiring athleticism at its finest. Yes, some or even all of your choices may differ from mine; compiling a list that pleases everyone is harder than getting Green Day fans to agree on which is the better album, Dookie or American Idiot. (Dookie… barely.) Does that make my choices inherently better? Well… yeah, a little. But yours are cool too, and I promise to throw in at least one comic reference for the hardcore geeks, so keep reading. And now, without further ado, please join me in examining the top five greatest athletic moments in cinema!

#5: Ray plays catch with his dad (Field of Dreams)

It’s a bit ironic that the first moment on our list is also probably the most low-key, and in a sense the least purely athletic. Yet it’s also somewhat fitting. While a good portion of sports stems from a desire to pit oneself against one’s peers, it’s training that makes up the bulk of the time spent engaged in the activity. And practice tends to be much more cooperative, an opportunity for building the foundations of teamwork and bonding. As much as mom and apple pie, having a leisurely catch with dad is an integral part of the American Dream^TM, a classic example of the relationship between father and son. Yet at the same time, we all fight with our parents, so it’s hard not to sympathize with Ray, who stopped playing catch with his father at 14 and never had a chance to rebuild their relationship before his father’s death.

Fittingly, Field of Dreams centers around the pursuit of dreams, on making them come true for all those who get involved with Ray’s baseball field. So it’s gratifying that, after helping everyone else — “Shoeless” Joe, Archie Graham, Terrence Mann — Ray is finally rewarded with what, without even knowing it, he wants most… an opportunity to reconnect with his father through a common bond, their shared love of baseball.

In a film with many great moments (I’m particularly fond of Doc stepping outside the field to save Ray’s daughter, knowing it means he’ll leave the game forever; as he reminds us, only playing 5 minutes in the majors was disappointing, but if he’d only been a doctor for 5 minutes, THAT would have been a tragedy), the final scene speaks to me as both the most quiet and the most emotionally resonant. Because while winning the big game or beating the other guy is fun, when it all comes down to it, sports are also supposed to be fun… and what’s more fun than a game of catch with dad?

#4: The US hockey team beats the Russians in the Miracle on Ice (Miracle)

It’s been called the greatest sporting event in history. It’s been described as a great victory in the Cold War. It’s been built up so much, frankly, that it’s hard to imagine not being disappointed by the actual event itself. But bollocks to that, because this is one time when real life really did turn out the way it does in the movies. We’ve all seen countless films where the plucky, diverse group of underdogs with no hope of victory pull together and beat the odds to actually win against the overwhelming favorites. I guarantee you, every single person reading this can name five such movies off the top of their head without even trying — go on, give it a shot. Good, now tell me how many of them actually happened in real life… ‘cause mine did.

It’s hard for us younguns to imagine just how strained relations were between us and the USSR back in the day, but I have read old Doonesbury strips extensively so, you know, I was practically there. And while it may seem kinda stupid to some, athletic events really can have a tremendous effect on national psyche; just look at Jesse Owens’s victory over the Nazis. So the fact that those darn Commies could play hockey even better than the Canucks (sorry, Poolie) was a huge sore spot for the U.S.; and when Coach Brooks and the boys managed to pull it all together and notch up a victory, it was a win not just for our hockey team, but for our political system and our very way of life. Take that, Ivan — now you’ve got a crumbling national infrastructure AND we skate better than you!

Bottom line, the film version of the Miracle on Ice may not come across all that differently from the dozens of similar sports movie endings we’ve all watched… but by virtue of being based on real events, it easily transcends that stigma and becomes something truly inspiring.

#3: Roy Hobbs shatters the stadium lights (The Natural)

If your film is the basis for one of the funniest Simpsons episodes of all time, you’ve got to be doing something right, and the makers of The Natural nailed more than a few things right on the head. Just like our last moment, the circumstances of this one are about as unoriginal as they come — aging slugger overcomes psychological and medical issues to belt one out in the bottom of the ninth, winning the pennant and saving the gruff old manager from losing the team to a couple of unsavory types. But while Miracle squeaks by through virtue of having actually happened, this one lies on the opposite end of the spectrum… the circumstances are unabashedly archetypal, proudly so, tapping into our collective consciousness to craft a modern morality fable by way of baseball.

See, what allows this particular moment to make the list is that you know, you KNOW what’s going to happen — even if it hadn’t been parodied in everything from Kingpin to BASEketball, there’s just no way the hero doesn’t win the big game for his team – but it’s still just about the coolest damn thing in the world to see that slow-motion delivery of the pitch, to hear that awe-inspiring music in tandem with the CRACK! of the bat, and then when those lights explode into fireworks, showering Robert Redford as he runs his triumphant lap around the bases… unbelievable. How one moment can be so overdone and obvious, yet also the most unexpected, unique thing in the world is beyond me, and to be honest, I don’t really care. All I know is that it’s nearly mythic in its portrayal of the thrill of victory… and that cliched or not, it’s one of the all-time greats.

#2: Rudy Gets To Play (Rudy)

Right, let’s just get it out of the way — sadly, yes, this movie does require you to root for Notre Dame for a couple of hours. And yes, it’s a tragedy Rudy couldn’t have picked a better football school to attend like, oh, I don’t know… Michigan woooo go fight win blue and gold forever YEAH!!!!!

Ahem… but if you can get past that, I think even the most diehard Irish haters will admit that this is one of the most inspiring, feel-good moments in all of cinema, let alone just in sports movies. Everybody loves to see the underdog get his day; and when Rudy puts on that jersey and takes to the field, he’s standing in for everyone who’s never been the biggest, or the strongest, or the fastest person in the competition, but didn’t care because they just wanted to be a part of it more dearly than life itself. As he slowly looks around that stadium and sees the culmination of the dream that’s kept him going through four years of grueling practices, intense schoolwork, and countless late nights, you’d have to be soulless not to feel a great swell of admiration and happiness for our favorite ex-Goonie/future gardener.

And whether you’re a fan of the Fighting Irish, or God’s own team the Wolverines, or even the accursed Buckeyes (who eat kittens, I hear), I think Coach Devine’s words strike a chord with all of us: “No one — and I mean NO ONE — comes into our house and pushes us around.” Words to live by, people.

#1: Rocky fights Apollo Creed to the finish (Rocky)

Some of you may wonder why I went with this choice for number one, as opposed to Rocky actually beating Apollo in Rocky II. (After both swore in the original that “Ain’t gonna be no rematch.” Pffft, right.) Here’s the thing — this is the only time you will ever hear me say this, but winning is NOT everything. Even Vince Lombardi, probably the most intense football coach in history (as a former player later commented, “[He] was so tough to work for that winning was the easy way out.”), eventually modified his earlier statement, clarifying that winning itself isn’t everything… but playing to win, making the effort to emerge victorious no matter what, is. And that’s where Rocky comes in, as the ordinary guy we’re supposed to identify with, suddenly given a chance to take on the greatest competitor in the world. So he works, and he works, and then he works some more, and when he’s done with that he goes and does a little more work. He trains, he diets, he prepares mentally, he does everything right… and then he steps in the ring and gets manhandled by a clearly quicker, better opponent, to the point where even the announcers wonder what’s keeping him on his feet.

But — and here’s what it all comes down to, children — he never gives up. Never. Ask any athlete in the world, when all is said and done, the most important element in any competition is the indomitable human spirit; the capacity and, far more importantly, the willingness to take every ounce of punishment thrown at you by a tougher opponent, and then some. From Rocky to Wolverine, the heroes we identify with the most are not the best fighters, or even particularly good ones — they’re simply the ones who will get the crap knocked out of them time and again and come back for more, and then even more after that. Call it masochism, call it stupidity, call it whatever you like… I call it one of the purest expressions of heart and willpower ever captured on film.

Rocky does not technically win the fight; but he proves that an ordinary man with enough strength in his convictions, enough sheer grit and determination and courage, can stand up to the best in the world and give as good as he gets, and THAT is what gives him a victory nonetheless. Lombardi once observed that it is an American zeal to be the best in everything we do, and to win, and to win, and to win. And if that is the case, then you can keep your Rambos, because the true American hero, the embodiment of all we hold sacred and worthy in athletic competition, the winner and still cham-peeeeeen… is the Italian Stallion, Rocky Balboa. Accept no substitutes.

And that, as they say, is that. Oh sure, you may question Air Bud’s exclusion from the list, and hey – I was tempted. And yes, the ladies may balk at the absence of A League of Their Own (trust me, it was THIS close), and Sue has already berated me for Seabiscuit not making the cut. (I told you, Sue, he used his spider sense to win… that’s clearly cheating.) But when the dust has settled and everything is being determined, it’s these five that best exemplify the true meaning of sports and why we play them. Every one of these moments features characters making big decisions with their hearts, not their heads; and while these choices might prove painful in the short term (Rocky), I guarantee you each character involved would tell you it was far more than worth it in the end.

I’d better sign off before I start telling you to win one for the Gipper, so let me just close with this thought. Mine is a sporting family — my mother and father ran marathons, my dad coached football and track, and my sister and I were both playing multiple sports by the time we entered grade school. I recognize that this family dynamic doesn’t hold true for everyone; but that being said, I think every person reading this has had SOMETHING in his or her life that they felt that competitive drive toward, that urge to beat the other guy no matter how hard they have to work. That’s the essence of sports, my friends, and the desire to be number one. Love it. Embrace it. And the next time you’ve got a game of movie trivia going down… oh, it’s on like Donkey Kong. Just be ready to go down, sucka.