Mutant Contest: Five Sentence Scripts

Five Sentence Scripts

"Take a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters and give them a thousand years, and one of them will produce the entire play of Hamlet." In July 2005, our trained army of monkeys (i.e., the MRFH readers) sent in dozens of five sentence scripts — trying to write a brief and witty summary of a flick we've covered — to win our acclaim and fabulous prizes!^* The MRFH staff poured over the entries^** and used their vast intellect^*** to pick our favorites. Enjoy the winners and runners-up, as they seek to entertain, enlighten and entropy your brains.

* Not THAT fabulous. We're kind of broke, you know.
** Large amounts of wine were involved.
*** A dart board.

1st Place Winner - Interview With The Vampire by Shalen Hamar
(1st Place prize: a DVD of Battlefield Earth and a copy of the unofficial MRFH soundtrack CD)

TOM CRUISE as LESTAT: I'm so pretty. But evil.

BRAD PITT as LOUIS: I'm pretty, but I'm not evil. Well, okay, maybe I am. No, I'm not. Yes, I am..

KIRSTEN DUNST as CLAUDIA: Well, I'm pretty AND evil. Too bad I'm going to die pointlessly.

(They stroll through various parts of Western history, killing people who apparently don't matter.)

POINTLESS REPORTER CHARACTER: Gee, all this sex and death makes me want to be a vampire too.

2nd Place Winner - American Beauty by Polyester Rage
(2nd Place prize: a copy of the unofficial MRFH soundtrack CD)

LESTER BURNHAM: I'm dead.

LESTER BURNHAM: No wait, I'm alive!

*Rose petals fly everywhere artistically*

*Lester Burnham is shot*

LESTER BURNHAM: This is the most beautiful movie you've ever seen.

3rd Place Winner - Fight Club by Trev
(3rd Place prize: a copy of the unofficial MRFH soundtrack CD)

EDWARD NORTON: Life. Don't talk to me about life.

BRAD PITT: Punch my ear.

EDWARD NORTON: This is getting out of hand!

MEATLOAF: I am dead.

TWIST ENDING: Bet you didn't see me coming.

4th Place Winner - Catwoman by Star Opal
(4th Place prize: a copy of the unofficial MRFH soundtrack CD)

PATIENCE PHILLIPS: Well gosh I have long hair and wear frumpy clothing, I'm so PLAIN and UNATTRACTIVE.

LAUREL HEDARE: And now we commit her body to the deep.

CATWOMAN: I'm just so BAD and SEX-AY!

HALLE BERRY'S REAR: Look at me!

LAUREL HEDARE: What a world, what a world, when a BAD and SEX-AY little girl can destroy my beautiful wickedness!

5th Place Winner - The Doom Generation by Justin Baity
(5th Place prize: a copy of the unofficial MRFH soundtrack CD)

AMY BLUE: Ok, has anyone read the script, or are you all just as desperate for money as I was when I signed on?

JORDAN WHITE: [hides script, shifty eyes] Yeah, I believe it said I'm to be very stoned all the time, and have lots of sex with Rose.

XAVIER RED: [skimming script] And I'm to decapitate people so their heads can spew relish while talking in tongues... [flips pages in script] ...and have lots of sex with James? What the hell?

DIRECTOR and THOUSANDS OF CREEPY FANS: No no no! Don't you get it? This film is filled with symbolism and deep dialogue on what it's like to be a teen in America...or hell, where this film is supposed to be set.

XAVIER RED: Hmm, whatever you need to sleep at night Araki, but we all know this is just a perverted bisexual porn film.

1st Runner Up - Being John Malkovich by Jayson Jay-Peterson

CHARLIE KAUFMAN: Hello? Is this Christopher Walken? Hey, if I write a screenplay, and put your name in the title, will you play yourself as a supporting character?

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: No.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN: Hello? Is this John Malkovich? Hey, if I write a screenplay, and put your name in the title, will you play yourself as a supporting character?

JOHN MALKOVICH: Whatever.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN: W00t!

2nd Runner Up - I, Robot by Trev

WILL SMITH: That robot just killed that guy. I don't know how, but I do know he wasn't wearing any converse all-stars, vintage 2004, now available in your local shops. Tell em Big Willy sent you.

ROBOT: I tell you I am not a killer, but then I show the human emotion of Anger. Now you don't know what to think.

WILL SMITH: OH HELL NAW!

DR SUSAN CALVIN: Robot arm, you say?

ROBOT: We are the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

3rd Runner Up - Alien Resurrection by Shalen Hamar

UNETHICAL SCIENTISTS: Hey, let's resurrect a creature that kills everything it encounters in horrible ways!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER: You're all going to die. I look frighteningly like Michael Jackson.

RON PERLMAN: I'm into that.

ALIENS: Hiss drool.

VARIOUS OTHER CHARACTERS: Hey, what's AAAARGH gurgle splat.

4th Runner Up - Donnie Darko by Justin Baity

DONNIE DARKO: I'm a sleepwalking psychotic with an intuitive understanding of time travel.

GRANDMA DEATH: What luck you live in the same town as I do, because I wrote a book on the subject. Too bad I'm too senile to be of any help to you whatsoever, and I may as well have died years ago.

HARVEY, after JOINING A CULT and DOING HARD TIME: Go flood the school and burn down a pedophile's house.

DONNIE DARKO: Michael Jackson's place?

HARVEY: No, Patrick Swayze's... I probably didn't need to tell you he's a pedophile to get you to burn it down, did I?

5th Runner Up - Aliens by Dorian Hawkins