Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"Dead people don’t cry."

1958 NR / Horror Suspense Directed by: Alex Nicol Starring: John Hudson, Peggy Webber, Russ Conway

Tagline

The tortured ghost who claims vengeance in the bride's bedroom!

Summary Capsule

Woman is apparently pursued by prank-loving, I mean terrifying, ghost of husband’s dead former spouse.

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Amazon.com: DVD

Shalen's Rating: Zero out of one skulls that do not appear to actually be smashed in any way.
Shalen's Review: Ha ha ha haaaaaa. This film is bad, bad, badbadbad. Bad. Back in 1958, the filmmakers attempted to imitate the success of the old Hammer Horror flicks by drastically overpromoting a very low budget movie, but given that this film is generally forgotten, I am going to hazard a guess that they did not succeed. And unlike both the Hammer Horror and Roger Corman’s Poe movies, this film does not start with a low budget and work around it with good acting and clever prop strategies. No, they just took someone’s house, a plaster tombstone, and one plastic skull, and that was more or less it. I’m fairly sure none of the characters even wears more than one outfit (other than the female lead’s obligatory uncomfortable but cleavage-revealing nightgown), despite the film occurring over two days. I enjoyed the rich and velvety texture of the black and white, but that is available in many films which are far, far better than this one.

"Cue hysterical laughter from yours truly as the malevolence of the unquiet dead is fully indicated by its ability to frighten hapless amphibians."

If there is no Mystery Science Theater version of this, there should be [Ed. note: There is; it's episode 912 of MST3K]. It has exactly the right amount of awkward pauses where you can insert your own dialogue, music, instructions to the cast, et cetera, and in fact I did this myself throughout the whole film. Yes, admittedly I do this throughout most films, but in this case even if there had been someone else present, they would not have been trying to shush me. They would probably have left during the disclaimer anyway.

Ah. The disclaimer. Yes. This film opens with a speech which is reproduced fully down in the quotes section, because otherwise you are not going to believe me. During the solemn warning, the screen shows an ornate casket between two tall candlesticks. Then it slowly opens to reveal the neat cursive writing that says, “Reserved for you.”

If this doesn’t tell you what kind of movie you are in for, you deserve what you get.

But if that wasn’t enough, we start with a frog sitting on a lily pad. Then bubbles rise all around it. It hops quickly away, and a skull bobs to the top of the pond. Cue titles, and cue hysterical laughter from yours truly as the malevolence of the unquiet dead is fully indicated by its ability to frighten hapless amphibians.

Then we move on to ridiculously saccharine newlyweds Eric and Jenny, walking around in front of their lovely house. Where, incidentally, Eric used to live with his previous wife, Marian. Oh, and newlywed Jenny is rich. And she has mental issues, because she used to have an Electra complex and then both of her parents drowned. At sea. In front of her.

And, as Jenny is quickly informed by the ever-helpful Reverend White, Marian did not die of natural causes, either. She bashed her skull open on the cement wall around the ornamental pond. Eric found her dead in the water, so to speak. But he’s over her now, and ready to move on to his new life with a slightly neurotic heiress.

Then, of course, Jenny starts hearing inexplicable shrieks while Eric is gone on “business,” and not all of them can be explained by the presence of peacocks. (Though I can say from personal experience that these birds do let forth a fairly horrible sound.) Then she finds the titular skull in a cupboard, on the lawn, et cetera, and we’re off to the races. Of course no one else ever sees it, so she begins to question her sanity, and Eric makes excuses not to move away, and so on.

You see where this is going, yes? It’s not so very difficult to guess the ending. Let me just say that a man pretending to be attacked by nothing but a skull is a very amusing sight indeed. “Aaagh! It’s biting my throat! Watch me hold tightly to it without actually managing to pull it away!”

You would think a film with a plot this lame would not merit a remake, but its basic plot has in fact been stolen and made into the film What Lies Beneath (with the update of exchanging “dead mistress” with “dead wife”). That is a far superior film to this one, and it’s been essentially forgotten already.

So unless, like me, you’re really into bad movies, take the hint.

This is the skull. It screams. This is the girl. She also screams. This is an omen of your doom. Ignore it at your own risk.

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Jenny’s got… Sort of a squint… Sexy. But they still manage to get her out of her shirt at least once. Man, their bras were pointy back then.
• Limping is a good indication of mental abnormality.
• The best way to help someone get over an unhappy event is to talk about it all the time.
• Vicars are excellent vehicles for exposition. Subtle, too.
• Paint by number pictures are terrifying. Who knew.
• Newlyweds sleep in separate rooms.
• Marian’s pyramidal floating head tombstone? Freaky. One of the only things in this film that was, really.
• Eric just walks back and forth all over Marian’s grave. I’d guess he’s over her, wouldn’t you? Oh, and why did they bury her in the backyard? Anyone?
• Vengeful ghosts are susceptible to having things thrown at them.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Goodness gracious, no.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Apparently I’m continuing my trend of films so bad and so obscure that IMDB has almost nothing to say about them. They note that it was released originally as a double feature with “Terror from the Year 5000,” though not on the DVD on which I saw it. And apparently you can see someone throw a rock to frighten some birds if you watch closely. So exciting.

Oh, and Mickey the crazy gardener is played by the director, Alex Nicols. There are only five cast members, and one of them is the director. Does that give you an idea of how cheap this film is?

Groovy Quotes

Introductory voice over: The Screaming Skull is a motion picture that reaches its climax in shocking horror. Its impact is so terrifying that it may have an unforeseen effect: it may kill you. Therefore its producers feel they must assure free burial services to anyone who dies of fright while seeing The Screaming Skull.

Mickey: No, Marian! Send them away!

Rev. Snow: She must have run along here. We’re not sure what happened then… Perhaps she slipped on a leaf. The base of her skull was smashed. It was thought that she hit her head on the edge of the cement wall where we’re sitting. And she fell in there. She died in the water.

Jenny: He’s a handsome one, isn’t he? So cuddly and warm. When I was a little girl I used to want to be a caterpillar.

Mickey: She cries.
Jenny: Cries?
Mickey: In the night.
Jenny: Dead people don’t cry.
Mickey: I heard her.

DVD Review

They really tried, with the kooky blood-and-slime dripping claws on the menus and the attempted spooky music and so on. And there’s an inexplicable bonus Betty Boop cartoon. Still, you get the impression they didn’t spend much more money on the dvd than was spent making the film (I’m guessing around ten dollars). The one I watched was packaged with Werewolf Vs. The Vampire Lady. I urge everyone to obtain this version if possible, or at least another double feature pack with another corny old horror flick. The film itself is not a great transfer as regards either clarity or sound; I had to turn it way up and still could not understand some of the dialogue, and there is a permanent line bisecting the center of the screen on most occasions.

Soundtrack Review

Not that you’re likely to see it for sale, but if you do, I wouldn’t spend my hard-earned dollar. It’s either completely absent or terribly obtrusive, like violins during sad scenes and trombones to indicate something terrifying is happening. And of course there’s that wonderful piercing shriek noise.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra
• House on Haunted Hill (old version)
• Mystery Science Theater 3000