MRFH Recommended Cult Romance (click on the picture to go to the review)

Sex, Please?
There are two types of romances: those with the leads meeting and falling in love early in the flick, and those that don't fall for each other until the end. The sooner you meet, the sooner you have sex (sex is required by romance movie law to happen after the second date, if not way sooner). No movie couple has ever even broached the subject of waiting for sex until their relationship develops (or, how Puritan!, even marriage).

The Mystical L Shaped Blanket
Every romance movie I've ever seen where two characters are in bed together depicts the woman with the blanket seductively pulled up to her armpits while the man bares his chest to his belly button for all to see. I don't know, I've been through Walmart's bedding selection a couple of times, and I just can't find these weird covers! (The L shaped blanket is also often seen on TV as well)

The Lovers' Wormhole
A steadfast rule of romanticoms is that during the inevitable "nearly catastrophic misunderstanding" scenes, the male and female lead will never be allowed to be in the same room at the same time, but will always miss each other by maybe a quarter second (tops) thanks to a wrinkle in space/time which puts them into a state of perpetual displacement. The only exception is when putting the leads into the room together results in the girl seeing the man innocently helping a beautiful woman out of her dress.

The Misunderstanding (The Lovers' Wormhole part II)
Some sort of stupid misunderstanding occurs about 3/4ths of the way through the movie, causing a fight or breakup. Typically this happens because our hero is caught in a compromising position (even though he or she is perfectly innocent, it's not what it looks like!) by his or her love interest. The love interest "doesn't want to hear it" and goes stomping off without receiving an explanation. This spirals the film into "bummer" territory. The question that leaps into our mind is, if the love interest took all of three minutes to seduce and obtain, what's the problem with dumping her and moving on?

"But I Meant It In The BEST Possible Way..." (The Lovers' Wormhole part III)
Many, many romantic flicks will set up our lovers for a fall by having our hero (or heroine) engage in a minor level of deceit early on in the movie. He or she will, for some reason, lie or hide the truth, which he or she never tries very hard to clear up. Naturally, this causes an elaborate web of deception to develop, which comes crashing down at the worst possible moment. Again, the wounded party goes stomping off like offended buffalo, but eventually forgives the lummox (or lummoxess).

Castaway Love
It's a solid rule that most all comedies must have a romantic subplot, even if it's not the main event. In this case, as soon as the romantic interest hooks up with our hero or heroine, he or she is promptly dropped from our attention unless there is some necessary reason to bring them back into the picture (see "The Misunderstanding").

The Musical Bit
Dear God... if I have to watch one more slowmo scene where the hero/heroine walks in a depressing manner towards the camera while some godforsaken, wailing song drones on in the background... I NEVER remember the tunes, do you?

Endless Summer
There is a dating montage. There is ALWAYS a dating montage. If one were to believe dating montages, then these characters would not be able to hold down jobs, because they spend most of their time setting up incredibly ridiculous dates. Candlelight dinner on the rooftop of the Empire State Building. A boat ride to watch humpback whales mating. A tour of a Californian winery presses, complete with grape stomping. Breaking into Wal-Mart in the middle of the night to play beach ball volleyball over the aisle shelves. Convincing U2 to make time during their concert to help propose marriage.

Men Are Idiots
Did you ever see Chasing Amy? Where, throughout the whole movie, the girl repeatedly states that she loves the boy because he doesn't do A, B, and C, and then in the final scene, he does A, B, C, D, and G through M? The male lead in any romantic movie is going to invariably do exactly what the female lead doesn't want, to the point of nearly destroying the relationship. Relax though, he'll recant his ways. (heh, except in Chasing Amy, I just realized... wow, great example, me!)

The Well Meaning Idiot Buddy
Let's face it, if these movies were dedicated solely to the two people who end up in the sack, they'd get old fast. Well, faster. Anyway, to liven things up, a goofy, well meaning friend is assigned to either a) the male, b) the female, or preferably c) both. These "friends" typically deliver lines like "Jack? You just missed him. I think he just went to sleep with his slutty ex-girlfriend who he had sworn he'd never talk to again... oops." Personally, I think Rhys Ifans should be allowed to hold this role forever.

Circle of Friends (Female)
The female lead will have a circle of friends that include at least two women (one fat or largely unattractive, the other one African-American), and one gay male friend. Heroines ALWAYS have gay friends. The gay friend will be kind, wise, affectionate, tasteful in fashions, witty, and otherwise a perfect suitor if it wasn't for his homosexuality. Typically one of the female friends is a militant feminist who will eventually renounce her ways after seeing how the hero treats the heroine.

Circle of Friends (Male)
The male lead will either have one good guy buddy, or a group of guy buddies. Most of these buddies will be single and relaxed, or complete losers. For some odd reason, male leads NEVER have a lesbian best friend. But wouldn't that be cool?

Discussion Locales
The female lead will hang out with her friends at restaurants and clothing stores; the male lead will hang out with his buddies at bars. Every seen set in these locales will feature either (1) complaining about the unavailability/lack of qualifications of the opposite sex, or (2) complaining about the fact that being in love has the occasional downside.

Whimsical Environments
All movie romances take place in a town that has (1) delightful little outdoor cafés, (2) a beach and boardwalk to walk down, (3) 24/7 sunny skies, and (4) extremely friendly natives.

Noah's Ark
While not a universal rule, has anyone else noticed a developing need to use pets and animals as keys to hot lovin'? Apparently true love is only a roller skating dog away!

Poor Fashion: Love's Mortal Enemy
The girl will nearly always start out in a formless, floral print dress,an oversized hat, and a grey scarf, all designed to indicate to the audience "See? SEE? She's lost! Hopeless! She needs love! Love and a slinky black dress!".

Fashion's Corrolary
By the end of the movie, the girl will be wearing 29% more makeup than she did at the start, and her outfit (regardless of her occupation) will likely cost more than a Geo Metro.

The Teen Makeover (Female)
Since there are no ugly female leads, the ones that try to appear ugly are only doing so that they may have a makeover during the movie. This will evoke memories of that story "The Ugly Duckling", where the cute little chick got, well, cuter with some eyeshadow and rogue. If the female lead has glasses, she will take them off during this sequence and never need them again.

What Do I Do For a Living?
True in about 50% of cases, the male lead rarely requires a profession, per se. Not unless it helps the romantic situation get worse ("I was embarrassed to admit it, but I oil the strippers down at the Greasy Arch for a living..."). Conversely, the girl's profession is universally how she's introduced to the story. She'll be cutting meat, or welding cars together, or suing somebody, and in walks Mr Right. Cue the singing angels!

The Harder They Fight...
Admittedly, the best romantic comedies usually start off with a pair of leads who initially want nothing to do with one another. They'd sooner be shot in the leg than ask for help by the person who they'll eventually want to share nursing home beds with. Usually, the mutual dislike between the leads is more fun to watch than the mutual attraction, which tends to make these flicks pretty anticlimactic.

Unnatural Attraction
Sometimes the dating interest does not like our character (particularly if the hero is one of those annoying Adam Sandler slob-types) and insults the main character repeatedly. Do not worry, this is foreplay. Soon, she is won over by the fact she does not share top billing.

Lethal Weapon 3 Rule
Romance will spark between the two characters as they bicker, fight, and fiercely debate nonsensical subjects. Sometimes the two will come from opposing fields of work (such as "museum curator" and "dinosaur hunter"), but overcome all odds for love, much unlike Romeo and Juliet. Many times the fighting between the two lovers will be so intense, they'll lose all control and fall into a helpless pile of passion and lust.

No Means No, Unless You Kiss Me Right Now
There must be literally hundreds of movies out there where the girl, still in "I hate this man" mode, insists that the man go away, die, or some other exciting activity. At that point, the man will forcefully kiss her. She will resist, but only for a moment, and you KNOW she's going to grab the back of his head and try to lick the back of his throat. I don't know about you, but when I used to date around, when the girl said she wasn't interested in me, my first thought usually wasn't "Grab her! Now! It's your only chance!". I actually really don't like seeing this, but it's EVERYWHERE in these movies.

Comedic First Meetings, or, How To Spill Mustard on Your Future Bride!
The first time I (PoolMan) saw Notting Hill, my girlfriend and I must have laughed for ten minutes when Hugh Grant spills the cup of stuff all over Julia Roberts. I mean, what IS that gunk? It's supposed to be coffee, but I still insist it's mustard, cause it's all the teamsters could dig up that day. At any rate, first impressions involving spilled liquids, slippery sidewalks, or falls of at least two, but no more than eight, stories make for the best way you can meet your mate.

Hey, It's YOU! Again!
No matter how large or small the setting is, our leads will "coincidentally" bump into each other three or four times in a row in strange settings, like the produce section of a grocery store or in a convertible car wash. Finally, they see the hand of God shaping events, so they give in and start dating.

Pain, Beautiful Pain!
The makers of romantic comedies usually seem to forget for pages and pages of script that romantic or not, these movies are still supposed to be COMEDIES. As a result, after a particularly deep and romantic scene, someone will usually be shown walking full speed into something. Better yet, one of the two leads will be a chronic klutz, constantly walking into windows, smashing their thumbs with hammers, or getting run over by Oldsmobiles.

The Jerk
This is probably the part of any romanticom movie that most people really CAN identify with. The female lead will have some rude, inconsiderate lout in her life who insists she belongs to him. Depending on how many heartstrings the writers are trying to pull, she either will completely resist or completely stay in love with The Jerk. This is so true to life it's remarkable.

The Jilted Ex
It's always fun to have a slightly psychotic stalker of an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend who follows you around and constantly taunts you with mean-spirited barbs.

The Double Standard
Although it's wrong for an ex to stalk one of our leads, it's perfectly acceptable for our hero to be "dogged" and "persistent" and "unwavering" in his pursuit of the female, even after his "restraining order" because he's a "freaky stalker."

The Jerk: An Addendum
The best way for the male lead to deal with The Jerk is to punch him (just once mind you) into a fountain, or some other embarrassing object. A wedding cake works well in a pinch.

How To Kiss In A Romance Movie
Pull her to you. Run your palm along her cheek. Tilt the heads. Lean in for the light kiss. Then play tonsil hockey.

Fatherhood: The New Oppression
If the movie you're watching is a teen-oriented flick, chances are mighty high you'll be seeing a healthy dose of the girl's father. Dear Old Dad is kind of like The Jerk, except it's not okay to hit him. Instead, the craft young man has to figure out a way to win him over and convince he wants more from his daughter than a chance to mess up her sheets.

Where No Man Has Gone Before
Movie lesbians are disgustingly easy to "convert" to heterosexuality when the possibility actually presents itself. This is, of course, total crap (unless, of course, they're bisexuals in disguise).

Where No Woman Has Gone Before
Female leads will constantly fall in love with their male gay friends, attempting to portray some sense of "tragic irony" in it all. They're idiots.

Dancing Queens
In "dancing" romances, the lead couple will, despite never having met, practised, or danced together before, perform a five minute sequence that would make Fred Astaire cry.

Beauty: 24/7
I can't stress this enough. Ladies! In a romantic movie, you must wear full makeup and hairspray in every single one of the following situations: sleeping, showering, eating chili, being chased by a dog, filing your taxes, and taking your makeup off.

Beauty: Hidden
The only time a girl can't be in full makeup with a beautiful hairdo is when she starts the flick as the homely, shy, socially dead girl no one talks to. For the record, I've seen this trick work successfully in only ONE romantic movie: Dance With Me.

Beauty is the Beast
If there's any woman cast in the movie who's more attractive than the lead, she's a snarling she-devil with no sense of humour and a fondness for raw baby meat.

Books and Covers
No matter what the lead hero or heroine may look or seem like, they're more complicated than meets the eye. A nerd will have a secret life as a talented artist, a jock will be a writer in disguise, etc.

Even Fat Guys Have Their Day
If the hero of the movie is a fat or relatively unattractive man, movie law dictates that some reasonably attractive woman must fall for him by the end of the film due to his "charm" and "sense of humor" which is total "B.S.".

Superbowl Halftime Clause
At the climax of the movie, the main character manages to do something so spectacular that she/he not only saves the day, but also wins back the affections of the bimbo/a. At this juncture, it must be utterly IMPOSSIBLE to have a job, because they are spending most of their waking hours coordinating the inhabitants of NYC to spell "I LOVE YOU SHARON" so that it can be photographed from outer space and beamed via CNN to her apartment where she is coincidentally watching TV at that moment. NOTE: The two never get back together by a simple talk that clears up The Misunderstanding, since that would be dull.

We Ain't Aiming For Comedy Here
There are two ways to end a romance film: happy or suicide-inducing sad. In a number of dramas, the two leads will finally come together, and just as hope springs eternal and their whole lives are stretching out before them, one gets the ax. Not literally (usually), but tragedy strikes in the form of a terminal illness (break out the hankies) or a bus or a murder. Life sucks, go home.

Things You'll Never See In A Romance Movie
Bad sex. Awkward kissing. Any fights past the Big One. PMS. Grand romantic gestures that are spurned. Geeky and unattractive qualities and hobbies. Seduction scenes that don't work. Ugly people in bars. Viable dating alternatives for our leads. Romantic idealism that isn't crushed into a bloody pulp by the hammer of reality.