Justin's Rating: Pooper scoopers... who needs 'em?
Justin's Review: As I am about to become a youth director at a church in Colorado, this movie heralds the day when one of my youth leaders brought this movie to a lock-in. Egads. I thought it was funny, somewhat long, and lacking in chutzpah.

About ten years after seeing this movie, I still think it's funny, somewhat long, and full of chutzpah. Fred Ward, who was really never slated for the superhero circuit, gets shoved into this dubious honorific after he's drowned and resurrected by a mysterious government organization (headed by the Quaker Oats guy). This is one of those ambiguous "black" organizations, possibly the Department of Motor Vehicles, God knows they have enough time on their hands. This organization is stupid and seems to take perverse pleasure in death and suicide to keep their cause silent.

Remo is trained by Chiun (Joel Grey), who is part Mr. Miagi, part Yoda, and part middle-aged housewife. Mostly he waddles and gives out sage-like advice while thinking of torturous tasks for Remo to do. The first half of the movie is spent in "training" stage, and oh-too-little is spent actually battling the bad guys at the Statue of Liberty and deep in a forest. Fortunately for us, the training part is where most of the laughs breed.

For the uneducated in action/martial arts films: Heroes (at least in the first movie) have to go through a mandatory "training" phase to transform them from helpless wimp to Terminator demigod. The training phase can take place through a cheesy three-minute montage, or stretch on up to a good hour of screen time. For reference, see The Karate Kid.

Remo Williams narrowly avoids Movie Obscurity Hell through its terrific interaction between Master and Student. Fred Ward projects a stoic bemusement in all his films, and it works well here. Chiun is screamingly hilarious, and mobs screen time. He's tough and a trained assassin, but also gets possessive when he wins a giant Pink Panther doll at a fair ("I won it. It's mine.") So if you have a free video rental coming, you couldn't do wrong to relax with a bottle of IBC root beer and our good friend Remo.

Didja Notice?
Chiun's eyes when he's watching his soaps
The magnificent guard dogs and their uncanny ways
When Remo dives out of the gas chamber, the glass breaks BEFORE he hits it

The Movie Store!
Remo Williams: Movie [VHS]

Intermission!
This movie is based on a series of books called The Destroyer. As of last glance at Amazon.com, there are about 115 of these mass-produced books in the series. Knock yourself out. The moviemakers had hoped this would begin a James Bond-like franchise, but no sell.

Groovy Quotes:

Remo: Chiun, you're amazing!
Chiun: No! I am better than that.

Chiun: Success is a journey, not a destination.

Chiun: What is... monoit... monosod...
Remo: Monosodium glutamate. You can't even say it.
Chiun: I can say "rat droppings." That does not mean I would eat them.

MacCleary: Well, Chiun, what do you think?
Chiun: He is very slow. His reflexes are pitiful. Poorly coordinated. He is in wretched physical condition. Impetuous. And clumsy. He moves like a baboon - with two club feet. However, there is a feeble glint of promise in his eyes. I think I can do something with him.

Chiun: You move like a pregnant yak. Sit!

Chiun: Watches are a confidence trick invented by the Swiss.

Chiun: It would be better for you to eat this can than what is inside of it.

Remo: You know, Chiun, there are times when I really like you...
Chiun: Of course! I am Chiun!
Remo: ...and there are times when I could really kill you.
Chiun: Good! We will practice that after dinner.

Remo Williams: You know, Chiun, sometimes you're a real pain in the ass!
Chiun: That is because it is the shortest route to your brain.

Chiun: Women should stay home and make babies! Preferably, man-child.
Remo: He's from Korea.