Leroy: Leroy is a recent hire, who graduated from Princeton in 2001 with a communications degree, and has been homeless ever since. For affirmative action purposes, Leroy is designated as part every race, religion, and sexual orientation known to man. He claims this has given him quite the trouble with ladies (or men, or trees), but we just laugh it off. "Haha, that Leroy!" we say, right before we slam the door of his closet and slam the bolt home.

Greta: Once our secretary, Greta demanded a raise in pay, responsibility, and profile. So, just to shut her up, we gave her an office in the ladies bathroom (third stall from the left) and the title of "Quality Assurance Assurer". Currently, this buxom Swede is going blind from the amounts of paperwork we throw her way. Certainly better than answering phones, of course!

Tim the Intern: Tim is our slave monkey, and the reviewers feel that it's each of our personal goals in life to drive him permanently insane. Perhaps it's to discourage future interns from applying (and thus forcing us to take valuable movie watching time away to conduct interviews), but we like to think of it as one of the simple pleasures in life. We videotaped the day that PoolMan told him that he'd be handling part of the QA as well, and the slow-motion replay of the blood vessel bursting on Tim's forehead is too precious to be believed.

Now that you've met the MRFHQAT, you might be curious about what they do, exactly. Perhaps you might even be pointing a quivering digit of shame at our notorious misspellings and blatantly false "facts" that pepper the reviews. Trust me, boys and girls, there is a reason behind the rhyme. And here it is.

The MRFHQAT Procedure Manual

STEP ONE: Dig through the piles of "Past Due" bills to locate any new review submissions from one of the staff.

STEP TWO: Gently place the new review on the MRFH Altar of Awe. Kneel and worship for twenty minutes (on your own lunch hour).

STEP THREE: Recognizing that the review has been polished to such a sparkling perfection, introduce Reverse Quality Assurance techniques.

STEP FOUR: Randomly change the spelling of two-plus syllabic words. For some reason, the MRFHQAT has a grudge against DnaError.

STEP FIVE: Insert random unsubstantiated facts into each reviews, such as stating that Kevin Bacon was in The Empire Strikes Back, and all 80s movies cure cancer.

STEP SIX: Sometimes, for kicks, cut 'n paste large swaths of article space from the Playboy website, just to see if anyone's reading.

STEP SEVEN: Take a break to try to beg food from one of the staffers. Clare, taking pity on you, will make you "fetch" a french fry on all hands and knees.

STEP EIGHT: Massage nearly destroyed ego while ghostwriting the second through seventh paragraphs of single-paragraph reviews. The MRFHQAT's main responsibility is to make sure the staff looks like they're working for a living, not spending most of their time placing outrageous bets on fooseball tournaments.

STEP NINE: Press conference. Deny any use of mind-altering substances on behalf of the staff in concocting the "Excavate Stanley Kubrick" contest. Remind public that MRFH is a bastion of integrity. Ask if anyone seen ten thousand shares of MRFH stock that have been missing since Monday.

STEP TEN: Send review off to web relations office for authorization and uploading. Muse what you will do with Christmas bonus of five outdated First Class mail stamps.