Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
“They also bring in monkeys for zoo, but we don't put them in four star hotel either!”

1994 PG / Comedy Directed by: Alan Metter Starring: George Gaynes, Michael Winslow, David Graf, Leslie Easterbrook

Tagline

Kicking buttski. Making you laughski. The Academy is backski!

Summary Capsule

Leftover actors (playing cops) travel to Russia to firmly end their careers.

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Justin's Rating: But I don't WANNA kill a commie for mommie!
Justin's Review: Everybody who’s heard of Police Academy: Mission To Moscow, the direct-to-oblivion seventh movie of the endeared and embittered Police Academy series, knows quite clearly that it sucks beyond all measure. Of course, that’s usually not first-hand accounts of people who’ve personally seen it; usually it’s a mentally insane friend-of-a-friend who passed along this information along with many easy-to-torture Bothans. So, to satisfy your curiosity without actually making you give up 90 minutes of your vital life, here’s a quick run-down on what went wrong with Moscow:

"It’s a thin excuse for an exotic location, but since there’s no real anti-establishment pranking going on, what’s the point? To capture more criminals while Jones makes sounds like they’re farting?"

(1) Wasted talent: would you believe that Ron Pearlman, Clare Forlani and Christopher Lee thought that, hey, what a good career-booster it would be to star in the seventh movie of ANY series? Believe it. Lee is lightly watchable cameoing as the Russian General Police-Guy, but Forlani is there to merely look cute and Pearlman just chews through a fake accent with his monkey face.

(2) A plot that doesn’t, to put it kindly, make the least bit of sense. An evil Russian mobster (Pearlman) releases perhaps the dumbest-looking video game called "The Game" (Police Academy 7’s motto is "Script writers? WHAT script writers?") which gets everyone in the world hooked on it, and for some very vague reason, American police cadets are asked to come help this poor country sort out their problems. It’s a thin excuse for an exotic location, but since there’s no real anti-establishment pranking going on, what’s the point? To capture more criminals while Jones makes sounds like they’re farting?

(3) This is like the last round of some demented reality show, where we see which original Police Academy actors are desperate enough for cash and willing to trade in all remaining dignity. The… um… winners? Loud-mouth Jones, big-breasted Callihan, gun-nut Tackleberry, the slimy Harris (without his life partner Proctor), and the daffy Lassard. That’s it. Five, of at least a couple dozen recruits ranging back to the first film. Even die-hard second-tier characters like Hooks and Hightower opted out, probably wisely, but then again, what work have they seen lately? Replacing Nick from 5-6, who replaced Mohoney from 1-4, is some little weenie snot whose main character trait is to smirk. Does anyone like smirkers? Only if, in the next scene, they’re getting their intestines fed to them by carnivorous space monkeys.

(4) A further reliance on cheap pratfalls and slapstick, cartoony scenes, instead of trying for any original jokes or witty dialogue, makes the comedy trying and stale for anyone over the age of six. There’s more unintentional hurting of other characters in this movie than the first six combined; I’m guessing the director had some childhood playground bully issues to work out.

Really, about the only people who have actually seen Mission To Moscow were the initial wave of suckers who picked it off the new release rack in 1994, and overly-curious movie fans and critics who wanted a little bit of themselves to die. It’s not even close to a good, watchable movie, but it’s not — by far — the worst I’ve ever seen. I can only hope that Police Academy 8 tries to make wrongs right, but no matter what, I’ll embrace it with my withered, ready-to-perish eyes. God, I love being a movie critic!

Sauruman's looking a little goofy these days I honestly, really feel bad for G.W. Bailey. I hope he gets the help he needs. [Uncomfortable Silence]

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Russia produces cool video games… since when?
• How pathetic the actual game is… and the newscaster doesn’t actually have a cartridge in the GameBoy
• Russian men like kissing as hello
• Lassard ending up at the Russian funeral is worth a chuckle
• All Russians understand English. That’s why they need translators!

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

NOBODY'S made it to the end credits!

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

The only movie in the series not to make over a million dollars.

As of the writing of this review, Mission To Moscow is #21 of the IMDb's worst films of all time.

Groovy Quotes

Lassard: You know, in America, funerals are in English!

Callahan: Everything about me... is real.

Harris: Not exactly a four star hotel, is it?
Talinsky: Well, we spend our police budget on fighting criminals, not on pampering out of town visitors.
Harris: It was your government that brought us here!
Talinsky: They also bring in monkeys for zoo, but we don't put them in four star hotel either!

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol
• Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach
• Police Academy 6: City Under Siege