Cadet Review

I’m not always proud of this, but in my younger years, I carried on a brief but torrid love affair with the Police Academy movies. More of an obsession, really; for a period of at least a year or so, if there was a VCR running in our house, I had a PA movie playing on it. It got to the point where my parents actually encouraged me to start watching The Simpsons 24/7 again, just for a return to normalcy. These days, I’m happy to report that a timely intervention and some weeks in the Betty Ford Clinic have largely cured me of my addiction, but I still hold a fond spot in my heart for the movies. And now, with a new one on the way (just when I thought I was out…), the timing seems perfect to take a look back at the franchise. But instead of boring you with some intricate discussion of box office figures (City Under Seige: $13.59) or why the movies started to blow after Steve Guttenberg left, I thought I’d share some of my fondest PA memories, in the hopes that it will save you from having to undergo a similar obsession. (And, you know, so I don’t have to do any actual research or anything.) So without further ado, here it is: The Top Five Coolest Police Academy Moments!

5) Nudity!!! Yes, that’s right — there’s boobs in that thar movie! See, the great thing about the first movie in a series, especially one made in the early 80's, is that the filmmakers tend to be a lot more daring with what they’ll try to get away with, and Police Academy is no exception. True story: I first watched the original on a day my father (a teacher) and I had off from school, when I convinced him to let me rent a video to pass the time. Of course we didn’t check the rating… it was a Police Academy flick, they’re all just the same movie in a different location anyway. Upon our return home, he immediately went off to do some chores while I popped the tape in, ready to finally experience the epic beginning of the saga. And in due course, the movie reached a classic cinematic staple known the world over as “The Shower Scene,” which stirred unexplainable but oddly pleasant excitement in my impressionable, pre-adolescent mind, as it has in countless others over the decades. At which point, as you’ve no doubt guessed, my father happened to walk back into the room and saw what was on the screen. I didn’t get into trouble or anything, (who knew it wasn’t PG-13?), but it remains one of the more uncomfortable — yet tantalizing — movie memories of my young life.

4) This is actually three moments, but they’re all from an otherwise pretty bleak entry in the series, so I’m counting them together and to hell with logic. Assignment: Miami Beach (#5) was the first Police Academy movie made in the wake of Mahoney’s unexplained absence, and probably where the series really started to derail. Nonetheless, three of the gags really worked for me, for reasons too stupid to waste analysis on. There’s just something inexplicably funny about a Jaws parody where Tackleberry scares a shark away by leveling a Colt .45 at his nose and ordering him to “leave the swimming area NOW, mister!” There’s something even funnier about Captain “I’m a tool” Harris getting a grade-school insult plastered on his chest in sunblock (Works in real life too, kids! Try it on your friends!), and then having grown Police Commissioners giggle about it like schoolgirls. “Well, I’m sorry to hear that… Captain Dork!” And as for our third moment… well, it may only be funny if, like me, you grew up watching the edited-for-content version and then finally got to see the real thing. Because a guy farting in an elevator and having everyone else scoot to the other side may not seem hilarious at first glance, but try seeing it 50 times with no sound effects, then watch it just once with the fart actually in there — I guarantee you’ll be on the floor, dying of laughter.

3) The skateboarding montage in #4, Citizens on Patrol. I know skateboarding isn’t as big today [editor's note: huh?], but anyone growing up in the 80's remembers just how dominant a trend it was; when even I dressed as a skater for Halloween, you knew it was hopelessly mainstream. Naturally, it made sense to appeal to the youth market by including this hip, groovy new activity in the latest PA movie, so photogenic youngsters who could tear it up properly were duly recruited. And among them was… Tony Hawk. Yes, that’s right: the Hawk-Man, god of skateboarding himself. The guy whose name-brand board I proudly rolled up and down my driveway on every day for months. Winner of endless tournaments, Simpsons cameo star, and namesake of an incredibly popular, best-selling line of video games. The man. The myth. The legend. And what is he doing here?

Stunt doubling for David Spade.

Words fail me. Just move on to the next one.

2) Zed and Mahoney’s knifefight. As longtime fans know, Bobcat Goldthwait’s character wasn’t always a fine, upstanding lawman; in the first sequel, Their First Assignment, he was actually the villain, leading a gang of street punks in a senseless wave of, uh, vaguely disorderly conduct. Hey, it was PG-13. Nonetheless, while Zed had some cool moments throughout the franchise (notably his attempt to “do some poetry”), none stick in my mind as much as this one. When an undercover Mahoney’s identity is exposed, Zed’s got to take some action, so in true gang-leader style he straps their wrists together and calls for a death duel. What the heck, works for me. The ensuing fight is probably the only time in the course of all 7 movies where you feel any real sense of danger, plus it gains bonus points for taking place in quite possibly the coolest hideout I’ve ever seen (abandoned zoo!). So for coming closer to killing a main character than anybody else in the entire series, Zed, we salute you.

1) And finally we come to it, the #1 greatest scene from any of the Police Academy movies, past, present or future. With this kind of a build-up, it has to be one hell of a scene, but oh, I promise this one won’t disappoint, children. Again from the first sequel (I think; they all kind of blend together after a while and, oddly, detailed info on PA movies seems rather elusive on the internet) comes one of the most hysterical physical impossibilities ever captured on film. Let me set the scene for you. A police horse, standing in front of the station. A speeding motorcycle, with a particularly unsavory character riding it. An obstruction in the road. A headfirst flight through the air. All of which adds up to… ah, I can’t even write it without Justin getting all “Dammit Drew, that violates the laws of God and nature!” (Just kidding, big guy.) But let’s just say that said unsavory character pioneers a brand-new way of checking the horse’s temperature, and leave it at that. Either way, this one joke perfectly epitomizes exactly the kind of humor the Police Academy movies are known for: tasteless, stupid, and charming in their tasteless stupidity.

So what have we learned today? Well, that Police Academy is stupid and I have no taste, mostly. But the fact remains that it’s been popular enough to spawn a seemingly endless franchise, and it’s no mystery why — it speaks to the same crude, Neanderthalish aspect of our personalities that makes shows like Jackass popular. You can deny it, you can try to suppress it all you want, but the fact remains: other people getting hurt is funny. A guy getting his hands superglued to his head is funny. A dude who can imitate any sound known to man is definitely funny. They may not be for everyone, but if you happen to be someone who can appreciate that brand of humor, the Police Academy movies were made with you in mind. And for the rest of you highbrow types out there who are reading this with raised eyebrows and sadly shaking your heads at me — hey, come on. Just give in to your baser instincts for a couple of hours and come laugh with us; you’ll be glad you did, I promise. And if not, hey — at least you’ll have a good frame of reference for bashing Police Academy 8: The Search for Guttenberg.

And now, just because I like you, here’s an extra-special bonus feature: a couple of pop-culture quotes from recent television shows concerning Police Academy.

[Bart has just been caught stealing on The Simpsons]
Homer: We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?! Except at that guy who made sound effects. Heh heh heh. Where was I? Oh yeah — stay out of my booze.

[Jay’s son tries out for a class play on The Critic]
Marty: But I can’t act.
Drama teacher: That's what a young Steve Guttenberg said to me, but look at him now! No, wait... look at him four years ago.