Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"This is nothing but vulgar, lowbrow potty humor thinly disguised as satire. It saddens me that the Onion has stooped to this lowest common denominator, pandering to the masses."

2008 NR / Comedy Satire Directed by: Tom Kuntz & Mike Maguire Starring: Daniel Chacón, Ken Takemoto, Steven Seagal

Tagline

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Summary Capsule

Jokes about how fast computers become obsolete? God, Onion, what won't you satirize? Edgy bastards.

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Amazon.com: DVD

Drew's Rating: You know, there's a reason why onions make people cry…

Drew's Review: Let's be clear about something -- I love the Onion. Love it. I've read the mock newspaper for the better part of a decade, and I've found it to consistently be one of the funniest, most intelligent sites on the entire Interweb. (Don't look at me like that, Justin, I said "one of." Hush.)

"Jokes about terrorism, commercialization of news media, and whether Britney Spears' music sends the wrong message aren't exactly fresher than today's lobster."

I think it's important to emphasize that because, in the words of the Onion itself, I'm going to tear these radish canapés with salmon mousse a new ***hole.

The obligatory background: I first watched The Onion Movie with some old college friends visiting from out of town. These are three bright, upstanding guys (and single, ladies of Cleveland, Philly and St. Louis), but it's been two years since we were all together, so of course we did what all young guys do on such occasions: played drinking games, swapped vulgar insults, and discussed which old classmates have gotten fat and which have gotten implants. (At least one of each.) In short, we had a juvenile weekend. I say that not to apologize (God, no), but to explain our mental state at the time: immature. It would not be an exaggeration to say a monkey smoking a cigarette would have kept us amused for a good ten minutes. So when I tell you that during the course of the film, I heard and contributed to about two or three hearty laughs, a half dozen minor chuckles and smiles, but mainly protracted periods of silence? Well, that's not a good sign.

The Onion Movie was actually made 5 years ago (hence the cameo by the late, great Rodney Dangerfield), and it shows: jokes about terrorism, commercialization of news media, and whether Britney Spears' music sends the wrong message aren't exactly fresher than today's lobster. On the other hand, it's kind of refreshing to recall a time when Spears actually was sexy, and some of the targets the film takes on are still relevant today… slightly depressing when you think about it, but at least it makes the movie seem newer. There's not much in the way of a story tying the whole thing together -- oh, they throw in a token plot about veteran newsman Norm Archer protesting management interrupting his newscasts with ads, but it's mainly an excuse to show a bunch of unrelated skits. Nor would I be complaining about that, were it not for the teensy, middling little detail that…

…the skits aren't very funny. Sorry, I didn't want to believe it either - this is the Onion, for God's sake - but they just aren't. Actually, that's oversimplifying: it would be accurate to say that about 1/3 of them are pretty good. There really are a few gems, like the Melissa Cherry segments. Unfortunately, one of the funniest parts of the movie involves a character whose name I'm not quite allowed to use on this site. So let's just take it as given that he punches clocks. The man likes to hit timepieces, okay? He's a clockpuncher. 'Nuff said.

But another 1/3 of the skits start strong and just fizzle, generally because the idea makes for a cute headline but can't sustain itself, or it just runs on too long. And then you have the final 1/3 of the sketches, which… the less said, the better. I mean, the "addicted to life" bit? What was THAT all about?

A while back, the Onion was itself parodied by a website that ran a mock headline saying something like "Onion Headline Funnier Than Story." That's not always the case, but it's true enough of the time to be pretty hilarious. And sadly, that tenet applies in spades to The Onion Movie. I was exaggerating earlier when I mentioned ripping into the movie - it's an okay rental, as long as you don't pay too much or go in with high expectations -- but nor can I truly recommend it. And when it comes to the otherwise brilliant Onion, words can't express how sad that makes me.

And now, because I hate ending reviews on a downer, I present the top ten eleven Onion headlines that should have been sketches in the movie:

11) Desperate Vegetarians Declare Cows Plants
10) Clinton Goes Back In Time, Teams Up With Golden-Age Clinton
9) Amish Give Up: "This Is Bull****," Elders Say
8) Suicide Letter Full Of Simpsons References
7) Mr. T To Pity Fool
6) McDonald's Drops "Hammurderer" Character From Advertising
5) Woman Tired Of Men Staring At Her Breast Implants
4) Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested
3) South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year
2) Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs: "Oh, Sh**," Says Humanity

And of course, the special MRFH edition number one…

1) Aging Gen-Xer Doesn't Find Bad Movies Funny Anymore

You know, this chick could really use a shaved head, some stretch marks, and a knocked-up baby sister. So say we all, sir. So say we all. Now that is a man who loves him some clock punching.

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Many of the front pages shown in the "through history" intro are from the Onion book "Our Dumb Century," a (fictional) chronicle of Onion headlines throughout the 20th century. The rest are from regular issues of the Onion.
• The fictional terrorist cell is called Al-Q'Utaya ("I'll cut ya").
• Ironically, Kevin Federline is one of the dancers in the video for Melissa Cherry, who parodies his eventual wife (and ex-wife) Britney Spears.
• The demon encountered by role-playing geek Lyle is named "Gygax," a nod to Dungeons & Dragons creator Gary Gygax.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Only to hear snippets from Melissa Cherry's songs (very clever, if repetitive), and Norm Archer giving you a final insult/sign-off.

Unnecessary Background

The Onion is a "fake news" organization devoted to creating and reporting made-up, satirical news story in an entirely serious, tongue-in-cheek fashion. It began in newspaper format in 1988 and is still published as such once a week, with free copies distributed in New York, Chicago, Madison, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Denver, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Austin, and Washington, D.C. Aside from the satiric content (also published online since 1996), the Onion contains the A.V. Club, a non-ironic entertainment section devoted to reviews of music, movies, and other forms of media, as well as interviews with popular counter-culture figures. It's also worth noting that while many of the Onion's articles are clearly phony, some are plausible enough that they have briefly been picked up and reported as real stories by other news organizations.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

The Onion Movie was written by Onion writers Todd Hanson and Robert Siegel and filmed in 2003. After supposedly disappointing reactions from test audiences, it was shelved until 2006, when new director Scott Aukermann was hired to revive the project. Rumor has it that studio heads wanted to keep about an hour of the existing footage and film new material to flesh it out, while Onion management at the time was in favor of starting over from scratch. In 2007, Aukermann announced that production was stopped and Onion, Inc. President Sean Mills stated that The Onion was no longer associated with the movie. Finally the film was released straight to DVD on June 3, 2008.

Groovy Quotes

Kip Kendall: So, what do you say to all the concerned parents out there?
Melissa Cherry: Well, Kip, I honestly don't understand what all the fuss is about. My music isn't about sex. It's about being a girl, and having fun!
Kip: What about your first big hit, "Take Me From Behind"?
Melissa: "Take Me From Behind" isn't sexual at all, it's about love sneaking up on you. You know, like from the behind? It could be your boyfriend's love sneaking up on you, or a friend's. Or even Jesus Christ.
Kip: Let's talk about the song "Lollipop Love."
Melissa: Lollipop love is the kind of love that is just sweet, and you just kind of want to lick it, you know? And suck it. Like a lollipop.

Critic: This is nothing but vulgar, lowbrow potty humor thinly disguised as satire. It saddens me that the Onion has stooped to this lowest common denominator, pandering to the masses.

Norm Archer: According to a new medical study, depression hits losers hardest. The study found that extreme, debilitating depression most commonly afflicts those who are total screw-ups, who can't do anything right.

Melissa Cherry: Baby, when we kiss, my heart just skips a beat / And when you hold my hand, ooh, I can hardly speak / But there's one kind of lovin' I can't do face-to-face / So let me give you some affection just below your waist. / Oh, yeah, I'm down on my knees for you / I'm beggin' please, please for you / Got so much love, I need to show it / It's a big job, don't wanna blow it.

Lyle: Alas, the day's adventuring is now done, and I must take the number two bus back home. If only I could live in the world of fantasy forever, instead of being forced to put up with this banal realm and its silly, weak-minded mortals. Oh, how I wish I could live in the realm of Wizards and Warbeasts, ruling the land as a mighty conqueror, smiting orcs and ogres alike with my trusty broadsword!
???: Proteus the Invincible? I have heard your plea.
Lyle: W-what? Who… who goes there?
???: It is I, Gygax, demon of the astral plane. Never before have I seen your equal among the mortals that play this game.
Lyle: What's going on? Guys?
Gygax: I have chosen to grant your wish, Proteus the Invincible. Come forth into the land of legends!

Norm Archer: After last night's heartbreaking loss in Los Angeles, basketball star Dashante Jackson had harsh words for the Lord.
Jackson: Yo, I'd like to put the blame on God tonight, for not blessin' me with the talent to hit the game-winning 3-pointer tonight. You know, without Him I would truly be goin' to the playoffs.

Norm Archer: Today, Brendan's journey has opened the door for many athletes who never would have been given a chance if he hadn't broken down pro sports' physical disability barriers. Athletes like… …blind stockcar driver Bobby Templeton… Gil Sarinen, the world's first professional comatose diver… and of course, Chicago shooting guard Herbie Cohn, who was born with Judaism.

Clockpuncher: I'm hungry. I could really go for a sundae topped with… crushed nuts.

Norm Archer: As a matter of fact, I think we've all learned a few things in the past 90 minutes. We've learned that Irishmen have huge nipples. We've learned that film critic intellectuals are a bunch of gaywads. And most of all, we've learned that creeping corporate influence over the news… protects us from terrorism.

DVD Review

Sparse. A few deleted scenes, some outtakes, and trailers for a bunch of other movies. Yawn.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• The Kentucky Fried Movie
• Monty Python's Meaning of Life
• Buying the books instead. Seriously, get "Our Dumb Century" first and just go from there.