Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"Teach me? You can’t even speak English!"

1994 PG / Teen Martial Arts Directed by: Christopher Cain Starring: Pat Morita, Hilary Swank, Michael Ironside

Tagline

Who says the good guy has to be a guy?

Summary Capsule

Miyagi goes babysitting, and ends up with a pre-Million Dollar Baby Hilary Swank as his pet project

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DVD

Justin's Rating: Stinky, not Swanky
Justin's Review: Sometimes, things from the 80’s should stay in the 80’s.

Movie franchises are never dead, as long as there’s a possible profit in them. There’s always a possibility that a film might see an unfortunate resurrection, and that means nothing you like is ever safe. Alien³. Nothing is sacred. The Phantom Menace. It’s a great threat that Hollywood likes to dangle over our heads, perhaps in an attempt to coerce us to see more schmaltzy romantic comedies and eat our brussel sprouts. Don’t mess with them, unless you want to see Ghostbusters Got Served coming soon to a disaster near you.

"Whoever thought that reviving the series five years later and substituting Hilary Swank for Ralph Macchio was a good idea needs to learn the valuable lesson of 'Quitting While You’re Barely Behind.'"

The Next Karate Kid is a mild embarrassment to all involved. It’s a bland rehashing of the same Karate Kid formula that served the series well in part I and part II, and ended up sputtering to a halt in the lame part III. Whoever thought that reviving the series five years later and substituting Hilary Swank for Ralph Macchio was a good idea needs to learn the valuable lesson of "Quitting While You’re Barely Behind."

As part IV relocates to exotic Boston, the only thing this series has left to stand on is the reliable Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita). Now, I love Miyagi as much as any child of the 80’s, but his Yoda-esque gobbledygook is near-incomprehensible here. Miyagi’s entire belief system seems arranged around whatever fortune cookies he’s cracked open lately, and those around him constantly mistake insanity for deep Miyagi wisdom.

Julie (Swank), the grandchild of Miyagi’s old war buddy, is all about being grouchy and rebellious and stuff. As part of the patented Mr. Miyagi Attitude Adjustment School For Ugly-Looking Teenagers, she enlists for a school year full of pithy sayings and car waxing (no, Kyle, I said "car" not "bikini"). What makes this movie accessible is that Julie really has all of the typical troubles of any teenager living today. For example, she acted in a horrible Buffy movie, she’s secretly nursing a wounded hawk back to health on the roof of the school, and she becomes the target of a neo-Nazi school gang led by Michael Ironside. Who wouldn’t relate?

Because "keeping your head down and working hard on your grades" is too pat of an answer for Miyagi, he instead kidnaps the precocious youngster to the wackiest Buddhist monastery you’ve ever seen. At this point in the film, any attempt at trying to keep a straight face for the audience is largely abandoned, and the director starts popping pills for plot inspiration. Inside the monastery, the following happens — and I make NONE of this up for comedy’s sake:

• Miyagi shows Julie a Zen sand garden which is "sacred ground", then promptly orders her to run and jump across it, thus defacing it.

• Monks hide in haylofts in a barn and throw sacks at Julie, which is supposed to… I don‘t know… make her afraid of ambushing sacks everywhere.

• At dinner, Julie spies a cockroach and tries to kill it, but is stopped by a mortally offended monk who saves Mr. Cockroach by scooping it up in his hand and leaving the room. The rest of the monks give Julie the cold shoulder after she "disrespects a form of life." Apparently, disease and filth is the "in" thing with the monks that year.

• Julie wins them back by finding a Praying Mantis and getting all sappy about it in front of a monk.

• Then, the monks come into a room where Julie is working out to music, and they start dancing. DANCING. Dancing in the slowest, most painfully formal manner.

• The lead monk fires an arrow at Mr. Miyagi for no good reason, but Miyagi catches it.

Julie returns, a changed and brainwashed woman, and resolves all sorts of plot points, such as standing up to bullies and falling in love with the goofiest looking jock in the school. Oh yeah, Miyagi also teaches her to dance for the prom using karate. It’s priceless.

Obviously, The Next Karate Kid’s only strong suit is being a wide open target for your derision. It lacks any sincere threats or suspense for Julie, which is compounded by Julie’s unlikability — Swank manages to look cross or ditzy depending on whether she’s projecting "rebellious" or "reformed", and she exists solely to be the receptacle for which Miyagi can mold another convert to his car washing program. Even the end fight is a non-event, with the climactic kick done in confusing slow-motion and for no great prize.

I’m all for bad sequels, but this is inexcusable as a theatrical release. Straight to video, then straight to bed for you, young lady!

Hilary, you're hilarious! His neck is gonna be sore in the morning Hey... thought you didn't like wearing that medal, ever?

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• A military marching band? Is this A Few Good Men all of the sudden?
• Cannon salutes are so cool
• Miyagi likes to refer to himself in the third person a lot
• Yeah, she’s about the most unlikable teenager within the first ten seconds
• Hehe… nice angry exposition about how you lost your parents, there
• Julie does exposition to the dang BIRD now… sigh
• What a masterful escape from out-of-shape police officers
• Mr. Miyagi the babysitter! Mr. Miyagi the chauffeur!
• Wow, you really fill out that t-shirt with your mighty muscles, dude
• Julie’s threats are quite lame
• Michael Ironside’s got a bit of the Jack Nicholson going on
• How can you be trespassing on PUBLIC school property?
• This guy’s really in love with his car
• REALLY in love with it
• Mr. Miyagi is a pervert. I knew it.
• Gongs scare Julie
• Cockroaches are sacred
• Monks dancing
• Karate can teach you dancing! It can fight cavities! It can resolve foreign policy!
• Buddhist monks drive VW minibuses
• Zen bowling
• Bungee-jumping bad guys
• The music that Miyagi turns on when he is teaching Julie to dance is the same song that Johnny and Ali dance to at the country club in the original Karate Kid.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Nope.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

The fight choreographers gave Hilary Swank a "pink belt" during her pre-shooting training. No pink belt exists in Tang Soo Do (the choreographers' style of karate) but it is a combination of the highest belt possible before black (red) and the lowest (white). It was given to her for her mastery of the most flashy techniques, but none of the basics.

The kata Hilary Swank performs in the monk's hall and under the waterfall is a portion of the third Iron Horse form, "Nihanchi Sandan". This is a form in Tang Soo Do, (a Korean art) the style of Hilary's instructor for the movie. Tang Soo Do shares this kata with other arts in Japan (Shotokan) and Okinawa (Shorin-Ryu). Miyagi-San identifies his style only as "Okinawan Karate", but the style must therefore be Shorin-Ryu, the Okinawan style from which this kata originates.

Groovy Quotes

Miyagi: That day, bad bull became good soup.

Good jock: [about Wayne Gretzkey] No, he’s great. Like this car.

Miyagi: Trying to teach you something.
Julie: Teach me? You can’t even speak English!

Julie: The problem is my teeth! I just realized, they don’t match my nose!

Miyagi: Why break boards? What boards do to you?

Miyagi: The sun is warm, the grass is green.
Julie: What?
Miyagi: If today Julie-san get angry, just you repeat those words.

Julie: I wish I had courage like you.
Miyagi: I wish I had chocolate bar with almonds.

Miyagi: Julie-san, fighting not good. But if must fight... win.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• The Karate Kid
• The Karate Kid part II
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer