the MUTANT vol 4 issue 4
9-1-2000
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This Issue's Identify That Movie Quote: "You want to reach out and touch
pure evil! And in Detroit, no less!"
(answer to last issue's quote: various characters, "Office Space")
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How-dy folks, pull up a chair and sit a spell,

I can't stay for long, sorry.  Sigh.  It's happened again.  Happens once a
year, twice often.  The entire office is cowering in fear.  We've locked
the doors.  No happy movies flicker from our windows these days.  It's a
field of terror, literal bone-sucking horror, people.

PoolMan is selling Amway.

If I hear the phrase "direct distributing" or "pyramid scheme" one more
time, I'm going to go directly into hibernation and not come out until the
first of spring, or at least until I'm hungry.  We'll probably survive, or
probably not.  Only time and PoolMan's quota will tell.

Once, as a naive high schooler, I boldly stated in my English class that
it was entirely possible to tell what a book was about and how good it was
simply by reading the cover.  I think there's a proverb out there refuting
me for having said that.  In any case, I come back to that story time and
again and I go browsing through the local video store comedy section.

Is there a harder movie to make and sell than comedy?  I honestly don't
think there is.  Action movies have their standard "big guns and bloody
chunks" formula to follow, horror titles have all sorts of tried-and-true
tricks to freak you out, and The Mighty Ducks have carved their own little
Emilio Estevez-sized niche... but comedy is another universe entirely.
There is no one way to make people laugh, no set rules, no guidebook to
making the perfect comedy.  It's a heck of a lot of intuition, and some
have it and some don't.

Thus, many so-called "comedies" are released that don't have the slightest
hint of a laugh in them.  They're whimsical romances, or dark and
disturbing essays played lightly, or genre-pokers, or anything starring
Pauley Shore.  I've seen movie after movie claiming to be comedies where
the most hilarious thing that happens is that I discover I've wasted
another hour and a half.  It boggles the mind how sit-coms on TV can churn
out laughter week after week (even sans the laugh track), and the most
some comedies can produce is a titter or two during an entire
feature-length run.

For instance, this year I've been sorely disappointed by most of the
comedies released.  Big Momma's House was a one-joke film (skinny guy in
woman's fat suit!) and an ego-trip for Lawrence.  Me, Myself and Irene had
so many gross jokes that I felt more uncomfortable than anything else
(although the cow scene *is* a classic).  I just saw Whipped today and sat
there wide-eyed as the film missed a great opportunity to focus on the
sparky Amanda Peet instead of the three boorish F-word guys that dragged
the film.

Admittedly, comedies are a tough sell.  There's really no way to tell in
advance how good one will be, and film studios know this (which explains
why the comedy genre has been shrinking since about 1995).  Take a moment
to list some of your favorite comedies... got them?  Chances are, most of
them bombed in the theaters.  In fact, most of my personal favorites
(including PCU, Tommy Boy, UHF, and even Austin Powers) only gained
popularity after being on home video for some time.

There's a huge thirst in the world for good comedies - they make good date
or group movies, they have quotable dialogue, they make you feel pretty
good about life and crap.  Which explains why the movie-going public has
been swallowing up whatever comedic drivel that's been coming our way
(explain Deuce Bigalow to me, okay?).  I feel almost desperate as I scan
through the comedy section to find something - anything - that can compare
with some of my comedy favorites.

Because, in the end, there's no way to tell by just looking at the cover.

(man, that's the most journalistic article i've written in a while... i
need to get off my meds...)

Head Mutant Justin