the MUTANT vol 4 issue 2
6-16-2000
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This Issue's Identify That Movie Quote: "Did I just fart?"
(answer to last issue's quote: Fred Ward and Kevin Bacon, "Tremors")
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Hey space cadets,

You know, we were just all fine and dandy in our MRFH office, hidden away
from the prying eyes of the public and the NSA.  However, PoolMan's "A Day
In The Life Of The MRFH" gave the government authorities knowledge of our
location through certain clues that PoolMan accidently slipped in (for
instance, he said we were located near a "McDonald's").

So.  Great.  Now we're on the run from the law AGAIN.  Having packed up
our essentials (Kyle's taking apart the hot tub as we speak), the Mutant
Reviewers From Hell are relocating to another secret location at 45th and
Main Street somewhere in the large midwest in the city of Detroit.  And
we're throwing duct tape over PoolMan's fingers for a while.  So there
might be a short period of non-updates while we dig a hole in the ground
and move in.  Stay faithful, stay loyal!

There's just something about going to the movies that brings out the
little kid in me.  No, not the monster who flicked spitwads across the
classroom and relished peeing on buildings, but the child who could be
constantly surprised by even the smallest thing.  Of course, with movies
the smallest thing tends to run in the millions, so I guess it does take
more to impress me even now.  However, I love the whole experience of
going to the mammoth cineplex, getting that magical golden ticket, playing
a few games of pinball whilst I wait, and even occasionally springing for
some refreshments ("You know, sir, that for 25 cents more you can get the
*large* size" "I KNOW!  You people have told me that EVERY SINGLE TIME
I've purchased things here!  If I get the *large*, I'll have to take up
peeing in the aisles again!").  Then, staked out in my favorite spot
(mid-front, where I can plop my feet up on the rails separating the low
section from the stadium seating), I enter a new world.

Sometimes it's a pretty horrible world.  I still haven't forgiven Robin
Williams and the messed-up theology of "What Dreams May Come" or Matthew
Broderick's whinings about the boring "Godzilla".  Still, I go into every
film hoping for the best, and sometimes I am satisfied.  Sitting through
horrible Coca-Cola commercials, we come to the bonus round of movies:
trailers.  Every time there's a new trailer I haven't seen, I get jumpy
and start elbowing the people next to me (there was this kid, once, I
think I traumatized).  Then, of course, the movie.

And there isn't a better time of year to go to movies than summertime.
ALL the big event movies that have been promoted since the Superbowl are
finally here.  There's at least one, if not two or three interesting new
films coming out each weekend.  Even when the June-July rush is over,
there's still August and it's collection of lower publicity yet higher
innovation value flicks coming out (last year, "The Sixth Sense"; this
year, "The Cell").

I have been all over movies ever since May began.  I've seen Gladiator
(decent, but the Blair Witch-style camera sequences left me dizzy),
enjoyed Road Trip twice, was tortured with Battlefield Earth, thought Me,
Myself, and Irene a laugh riot (yet not as good as Something About Mary),
surprisingly liked Chicken Run, rolled my eyes during Dinosaur, hummed
along to Mission: Impossible 2, wasted my time with Titan A.E., shouted
"More Angelina Jolie" while viewing Gone in Sixty Seconds, kept making
unfair comparisons between Braveheart and The Patriot, was ecstatic about
the ending of The Perfect Storm, and opted out of Shaft.  For the most
part, it's been a decent bumper crop of films, yet not a-one of them stand
out in my mind as a must-see, over and over again movie.  1999's excellent
line-up (The Matrix, Austin Powers 2, American Beauty, The Sixth Sense)
seems to vastly overshadow this year's BTDT big budgeted flicks so far.  I
love to come out of a theater all pumped up, either adrenaline-wise or
laughing my head off, and I'm just not getting that this summer.  Has
there been even one breakout flick this year that has had everyone
surprised and talking?  In fact, I'm already looking ahead to summers
ahead (The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars 2: Die Jar-Jar Die).

So why is Hollywood suddenly making so-so blockbusters this year?
Assuming, of course, that you agree with my assessment of the "It's good,
but not great" generalization of the trend.  I think I have a few answers
to that query, and I'm arrogant enough to list them as well:

(1) An overkill of special FX and CGI sequences.  Who's the bigger star of
Gladiator: Russell Crowe or the recreation of ancient Rome and the
Collusium?  Did anyone refer to The Perfect Storm as "That George Cloony
movie" or "The movie with the Really Big Wave in it"?  Dinosaur was
nothing more than a cheap excuse to use computer graphics for no good
reason.  Even upcoming movies like X-Men and The Cell seem to have the
story and characters revolve around the special effects... and that's bad.
Sure, I love to be wowed like anyone else, but ever since Jurassic Park
came out, it's been one huge game of "I can top that" with successive
films.  SFX only impress the first or second time; the story is what keeps
people watching a movie over and over again.

(2) Idiotic casting decisions.  Two words: John Travolta.  Scientology
aside, I cannot believe why someone would devote their time to such a
clunky script like Battlefield Earth and then commit to wearing dreadlocks
and walking around on stilts.  

(3) A growing trend to ditch Hollywood clichés and reinvent the wheel.
Now, I'm all for this when innovation creates a great film (American
Beauty, even *sigh* The Blair Witch Project), but it seems as if studios
are now doing the unexpected just for the sake of it -- forget about
whether it fuels the plot right or not.  While we might say otherwise, we
all really just want a happy ending to a film.  Sometimes we like to have
the camera sit at normal angles (the constant tilting of Battlefield Earth
made me think the Earth was falling over).  While I won't name specific
films, a few have included the killing of the major character(s) by the
end, one kills about every major character EXCEPT the star, one
shamelessly rips off an aspect of Fight Club, and then there is Scream 3.
I put that in for little reason, except I'm still disappointed with the
way they ended that trilogy.

Yet, nitpicking aside, I continue to be hopeful.  I shall go to the movies
and make the most of everything.  Perhaps I will shortly be surprised...
after all, Godzilla 2000 is coming out soon!

JUSTIN'S 2000 REPORT CARD TO DATE:

The Good==========================

Pitch Black
Frequency
Gladiator
Road Trip
Chicken Run

The So-So=========================

The Patriot
The Perfect Storm
Mission: Impossible 2
Me, Myself, and Irene
Gone In Sixty Seconds
Scary Movie

The Why Did I Waste My Money======

Scream 3
Mission to Mars
American Psycho
Dinosaur
Battlefield Earth	
Titan A.E.