the MUTANT vol 3 issue 12
5-24-2000
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This Issue's Identify That Movie Quote:
"Oh, so he's the *good* drug dealer."

(answer to last issue's quote: Finch, "American Pie")
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Hey Mookies,

We are now in the midst of another edition of "Where In The USA Is Justin
Olivetti?"  I could be anywhere, even now!  If you spot me, phone in to
our magic number and you win an all-expenses paid trip to PoolMan's
apartment, where the Man himself will woo you with feats of kickboxing and
video game playing.

Amen to summer movies - there's something to look forward to pretty much
every Friday through August now!  Already there's been a terrific epic
(Gladiator), a god-awful ripoff (Battlefield Earth), a hysterical road
trip (Road Trip), and the coolest theme music ever (Mission: Impossible
2).  I is happy.  I do wish that Kyle would return my special edition DVDs
from, quote, "my garage where I am holding them at gunpoint until you make
me Head Mutant Of The Universe", but that's life.

This issue's topic comes from Derek, who wrote in asking for movie
suggestions that both he and his girlfriend could equally enjoy.  Thus,
the MUTANT presents "Date Movies That One Of You Doesn't Have To Privately
Suffer Through":

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000
*For Her: Smart, pop-culture references; cute guys in jumpsuits; the
opportunity to laugh at horribly bad acting and thus have shared moments
with her SO
*For Him: Blatant machoism; crude jokes at the expense of bad actors; the
opportunity to appear smart by explaining pop-culture references to SO

AMERICAN PIE
*For Her: Insightful discussions of relationships (so you don't have to
talk about yours); macho jocks getting their come-uppance; seeing a guy do
a strip-tease for once; a jock being sensative and singing
*For Him: Babes; babes naked; gross-out humor; basically a buddy flick;
lacrosse; a monkey

THE CUTTING EDGE
*For Her: Romance, romance, romance; a guy learning to be sensative;
figure skating galore
*For Him: Lots of snippy fights with the guy saying stuff to the girl that
you'd wish you could say; hockey; Moira Kelly; quips against stuffy
Harvard guys

SAY ANYTHING
*For Her: Sappy romance and romantic ideals; a type A studyaholic nerd is
the heroine; Liv Tyler singing about unfaithful boyfriends
*For Him: The always-funny John Cusack; kickboxing; a never-say-die
attitude; PARTY PARTY PARTY

GROSSE POINTE BLANK
*For Her: A smart, sassy heroine who gives as good as she gets; groovy 80s
tunes; John Cusack warring between his hit man nature and his newfound
love of life
*For Him: Action; violence; Doom (the video game); explosions; Jeremy
Piven; Dan Akroyd

MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL
*For Her: British humor (girls seem to love that stuff); discussions
revolving around birds; a musical number or two
*For Him: Numerous cat beatings; virgins between the ages of 19 and 24;
random acts of violence for no reason whatsoever; a cow catapulted; "No,
no singing!"

THE PRINCESS BRIDE
*For Her: True love; Carey Ewles sans shirt; hey, MEN wouldn't have jumped
into eel-infested waters!
*For Him: Sword fighting; the snobby girl is shown a thing or two about
how the real world works; giants, albinos, pits of death, poison, and
edited kissing scenes

SCREAM
*For Her: Lots of scary opportunities to grab onto your SO; the hero is a
chick; virgins are cool
*For Him: Blood; references to all those other slasher films we've seen;
Rose McGowan's headlights; Jamie Kennedy has the sarcastic angle

SOUTH PARK: BIGGER LONGER AND UNCUT
*For Her: Nothing
*For Him: Everything

Okay, so there you have the musings off the top of my head this late at
night.  Time to jump into the General Lee and race off into the sunset!

Your renegade mutant,
Justin