the MUTANT vol 3 issue 10
4-10-2000
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This Issue's Identify That Movie Quote:
"She's gone. She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen."

(answer to last issue's quote: Joe Pesci, "With Honors") 
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Hey Jeebermonkeys!

Now that your loyal head mutant is done triapsing around the country, I've
settled back in to the wonderful low state of panic that is April.  I'm
sure Shakespeare said something pithy and inspiring about April, but I
don't give a wookie.  It's just a month.

Yesterday (Sunday) I was grilled on eYada.com, on their movie show.  It
was actually more like a loosely controlled Republican convention than an
interview, but it was kinda fun.  We discussed the site, Stephen King, and
movie topics galore.  You can go check out the show, it's archived on Real
Player for your enjoyment.

It might surprise you to know that I read many movie reviews posted all
over the internet.  It might also surprise Toni, who's been chained in our
punishment closet and been out of touch with society in general for the
past three months.  I like to keep informed as to what other people think
- not that it influences my opinion or anything! - but I feel it makes me
a better reviewer.  And in doing all this reading of other (read: LARGELY
INFERIOR TO ANYTHING YOU'D FIND ON MRFH) reviews, I started musing on the
topic of rating systems.  And, as you well know, my musings typically end
in a severe drop in the stock market.  But no matter.

You'd be hard pressed to find a movie critic that doesn't use a rating
system of some kind.  From the infamous "Two Thumbs Up!" to the school
report card grades to the supremely overused four- or five-star methods,
these systems all serve the same purpose.  The critics want to give you an
instant assesment of a film, and at the same time provide some sort of
arbitrary measuring tool to compare movies with each other.  Good idea,
except it doesn't work.

You see, a rating system is first off still the opinion of *just one
person*.  A movie that gets five stars in the paper is just a movie that
got five stars in the mind of one person.  How are we to know if we would
feel the same about the movie?  Chances are we won't, since no two people
have all the same cinematic tastes.  That one person could be horribly
wrong and send you to your movie doom by highly recommending Angela's
Ashes with four stars.  After all, how many times have you heard the
following conversation:

ILLITERATE PERSON #1: What have you heard about The Doom Generation?
ILLITERATE PERSON #2: It got four and a half stars in the paper.
ILLITERATE PERSON #1: Well, it must be good, then!  Let's go see it!

Addressing the second problem of rating systems, it is nearly impossible
to compare movies across genres and categories.  I, personally, could give
The Godfather 5 stars and Army of Darkness 5 stars as well.  I did so
because I enjoyed both films immensely, but there's no way to compare
Godfather with AoD with a simple "They both got 5 stars, they must both be
good" maxim.  You also run into the waffling issue of not wanting to claim
a movie is so great or so horrible to deserve your best or worst ratings
(example A: Roger Ebert, a movie critic that I do like to read and
respect, but he gives 3 stars to pretty much everything nowadays!)  Some
movie critics try to simplify the rating system to Good or Bad.  WHAT?  In
my mind, there are simply too many factors in filmmaking to be so general.

Of course, some critics have recognized the flaws with rating systems and
have attempted more complicated ratings that judge a movie across the
board.  Reel.com, for instance, has a whopping 14 categories that it rates
films by (from Action to Drama Depth).  While this can give you a good
idea what to expect in a film, it loses the power to rate the film overall
by becoming complicated.  How often are you going to pick up a rental just
because it got 8-5-3-7-5 points on a rating scale?  

(side MRFH tangent: right now, some of you are rightfully pointing out our
Mutant Meter as a type of this rating system.  The Mutant Meter is not
designed to be any sort of commentary on how good or bad a film is, but it
exists to give you a good idea of what to expect in some areas - like how
offensive is it?  how cultish?  how often do you rewatch this movie?  A
film can get 5's in all categories, or all 0's, and still be good or bad)

Thus brings me to the final thrust of my arguement, where I can plunge in
the sword and call it a day.  At MRFH we've never placed a heavy emphasis
on rating systems.  The reviewers and correspondants can rate a film, of
course, but that's not how we judge a film.  It's always been my movie
philosophy that you just need to read the review.  Sure, it takes work,
but it delivers such a better idea of whether you'd enjoy a film or now.
For instance, I might love a movie just because it has Bruce Campbell in
it, and therefore give a very glowing review.  You read it, don't have the
same love for Bruce that I do, and realize that you probably wouldn't like
the movie as much.  Get my point?  Sure, it's always tempting to institute
some sort of rating system at MRFH, but I honestly can't see the point.
Plus, our reviews do attempt to be entertaining, so you can gleam some
cultural sophistication just from reading them.

Until I run off to Canada,
Head Mutant "3.64543 Stars" Justin