11-21-99
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This week's Identify That Movie Quote:
"Tell him about the twinkie."

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Hey boys and girls and various mutanic forms!

Welcome to the new look and third volume of the MUTANT.  For many of you,
this will be the first time that you'll be getting one of these in the
mail.  Do you remember signing up for it?  Do you remember the Mutant
Reviewers From Hell, perhaps in some glue-induced haze?  No matter...
we're here to make it better.

Our new format for the MUTANT will take our carefully designed and
structured pre-existing plan and smash it with an Apple Classic (tm).  We
no like apples in mutantland...  Instead, it'll just be a short, medium,
or long rant about the site and ANNOYING TEENAGERS WHO SIT BEHIND ME IN
MOVIE THEATERS (but more on that later).

If you haven't been around to the Mutant Reviewers From Hell lately - and
by lately, I mean since baseball season stopped - then you should come
back!  Bring a friend!  By blackmail, if necessary!  First, we welcome two
new correspondants.  Ted is a fresh voice of insanity that we're glad to
have on board.  Andie's returning to us from a long leave of absence, and
we here at MRFH are sobbing with relief that we once again have a female
at our staff office.  We almost forgot what one looked like.

Plenty of new reviews are awaiting the joy of being scanned by your
critical eyes, digested by your introspective colon, and evacuated by...
[censored by Prude Proxy].  They include a look at the new Kevin Smith
film Dogma, Monty Python's Life of Brian, Loaded Weapon 1, This Is Spinal
Tap, Eraserhead, Tank Girl, and A Clockwork Orange.

Okay, I have fifty seconds before the Simpsons come on, and I want to
briefly bitch about my movie going experience yesterday.  I saw two films
back to back: James Bond (semi-okay) and Sleepy Hollow (wonderful).
During James Bond, three teenage boys sat directly behind me and basically
tested the limits of what it took to drive someone to homicidal rage.
This consisted of a two pronged attack:

(1) Using the back of my reclining seat for a footrest, even after I give
them the subtle hint of leaning forward a little, then SHOVING myself
back.  I hope they have some fractures.

(2) Talking.  This is not what most humans consider intelligent or
thought-provoking conversation.  This was teenage hormones and idiocy at
full blast.  They spoke loud enough (no exaggeration here) for the rest of
the theater to hear them.  A sample of their conversation is as follows:

JERK 1: Yo, that Denise Richards has some mighty fine [word for breasts
here]!
JERK 2: Yo, that's what I'm saying.
JERK 3: What just happened?
JERK 2: James Bond blew up a building.
JERK 1: I wish I was the guy holding that [word for female dog].  I'd
definitely have a [word for erection].
JERK 3: Yo.

I know we're not supposed to believe that movies are real, but I sincerely
wished that I had the talent from "Scanners" that could have made these
kids' heads pop one by one.  Next time, I am seriously bringing a water
gun with me to the theater, and will not hesitate to use it.

But, in any case, Homer is calling me and I must go.  Have a great week,
and keep the cult alive!

Head Mutant Justin