Winter 2005 Brochure

Mr. Lipkiss

Winter: some call it bleak, frigid and depressing. Polar bear-inflicted deaths are at an all-time high, while very few sandcastles are being built. Here at the Mutant Travel Agency, we call winter a great excuse to break out of your icy prison and go on an exotic adventure within your extremely limited budget!

Our president and founder, Igor Lipkiss, is proud to supervise the 430 talented travel agents at MTA to create fun-filled journey packages that are both affordable and unique to the profession. Sometimes, Igor supervises with whips and a blowdart gun he calls “The Motivator”. All hail Igor, king of vacations!

Take a look through our packages — giggle if you must at the double-innuendo of that phrase — and talk with a loved one about how their nightly snoring and morning bad breath is driving you to the brink of pillow-smothering homicide. But also mention that it might be time to rev up the family entertainment center and escape to vistas unknown.

Unknown, that is, except to us and Igor, who soon plans to have the entire southern hemisphere in his iron grasp, countries capitulating to every insane demand that crosses his mind. Such as an ice cream blender powerful enough to grind up the statues from Easter Island into a delicious mix of raspberry and vanilla.

Hot As Hades Package Price: Your Immortal Soul, plus $225

The "Hella Great" Condos

If frostbite has got you down and stumbling due to toe amputations, then we’re sure that the most delicious thought in your head is heading for a place that has ample warmth and scenic locales. Hell — it’s both a luxurious destination and a casual way to start out your sentence by swearing!

You’ll begin your vacation with an all expenses-paid road trip to Satan’s Domain. Our tour guides are Amy and Jordan, who might not be the most articulate or likable of our clueless minions, but they will speed the process along to get you screaming in utmost horror. Screaming is the national language of Hell, and very few natives can converse in anything but. Make sure you make a pit stop to visit the castrating neo-Nazis; they’re always good for a quick laugh!

Upon arrival to the crusty outer gates, one might wonder how one gets in — other than going for that full-death experience, of course! Well, don’t worry, because we’re here to take your hand and usher you into Hell’s antechamber, which looks suspiciously like an innocent little cabin infested with a body-stealing evil presence. Don’t worry about being possessed; it’s great entertainment to your traveling companions, and the cabin’s resident expert on demon possessions will smack you around with his chainsaw-hand until your new “friend” decides to vacate your trembling shell.

Finally, welcome to Hell itself! MTA sets up luxurious accommodations upon a floating rock that overlooks a view similar to one that you might find on the cover of a heavy metal album. Celebrity neighbors that you just might “bump” into include Bill S. Preston, Esq., and a certain Ted Theodore Logan. Make sure you get them to introduce you to the psychotic bunny rabbit, a local legend that accepts photographs taken for free!

Sight-seeing is all the rage in Hell, as there are many denizens and locales that demand your viewing time. Hell boasts spectacular dungeons, pig roasts, and the Temple of Gozer (where Shuvs and Zuuls are roasted in the depths of the Slor). If you’re very lucky, you might spot a rampaging Jason Vorhees, a singing Saddam Hussein, or even the big dog himself, Lucifer!

Once your week is up — and it will fly by in a flash of tortures and buffets — you’ll leave via the Perdition Road, a friendly “people mover” ride that lets you wave good-bye to those less fortunate to not have a great travel agency such as us!

The Canuck Adventure Package Price: $1,000 Canadian, or $18 US

Where's Gordo?

MTA scientists, Barry and Jeanne, have recently discovered the long-forgotten existence of another country in the north of the Western Hemisphere. Often thought to be a protected refuge for savage tribes of Mongolian tree squirrels, this sacred land was revealed to have an entire culture and civilization living therein! Or two cultures and two civilizations, depending on where you fall with the whole Quebec Separatist issue. But we wouldn’t touch that with a ten-metre pole!

So suit up in your favorite flannel, and hop on board the MTA Safari Jeep. The tour begins on the American side of Niagara Falls, where you’ll be privy to the top secret planning stages of Operation: Canadian Bacon, a full-fledged incursion to the nearest Canuck 7-11, where troops can exchange those long saved-up Canadian pennies and quarters for actual goods and merchandise. The MTA tour guide, Gordo, will help acclimate you to this bold vista by pronouncing your “O’s” in a very slightly different way.

The excitement doesn’t stop there, even on the pain of mild indigestion, for the Safari Jeep’s next stops are two of Canada’s premiere attractions. At Kids in the Lab, jittery scientists are working on the newest pharmaceutical breakthroughs in pointless medicine, including Happy Amnesia Pills, and a Pill To Give Worms To Your Ex-Girlfriend. Samples are free — scoop up as many as you like! And at Brewery, stout beer and deep treachery go hand-in-hand. Drink up your favorite hops mix while unraveling a murder mystery to boot. You’ll be staggering out of there, reeling in the fun of it all!

Beer and pills in tow, the Safari Jeep will undoubtedly be making a pit stop at a cherished Canadian event: a game of curling. Marvel at the unfathomable mysteries of this intricate game that appears to cross-breed shuffleboard with household cleaning!

All the fun has to end sometime, but MTA’s motto is, if you have to go, go with a bittersweet smile. Each week, MTA and Canadian authorities arrange for a spectacular End Of The World celebration, where old friendships are revived and new ones are formed in the crockpot of steamy, juicy desperation. When it’s over, so are you, but at least you don’t have to worry about picking up the check!

High School Hall Pass Package Price: Your Lunch Money

A hall pass to adventure!

Miss the good ol’ days as a carefree student in the hallowed halls of senior high school? MTA knows how it feels to move on out of your parents’ basement and look back with fond nostalgia for all the noogies, wedgies, vicious in-fighting, popularity struggles, and mounds of homework. That’s why we’ve cleverly designed a travel package that will put you back where everyone knows your name — because it’s on the attendance roll call!

MTA makeup artists will take you under their wing (it’s an inbred disorder, so please don’t point it out to them), and work miracles on your weathered visage. Soon enough, you’ll be covered in the acne of youth, and clad in the mismatched fashion of better years gone by!

We’ll insert you into a local high school under the cover identity of a clueless yet attractive teenager who grew up in Africa. With an alibi so air tight, no one will question your “new kid” status! Of course, you will be hazed and made to act like frying bacon, but it’s all part of the fun. Remember? Remember? Stop crying, wuss.

Your first class is History, taught by the excitable Ben Stein. Thrill to the rapid-paced discussion of the Hawley-Smoot Tariff and Voodoo Economics!

No one will want to miss the awkward sensuality of second period Sex Education, where we learn all about tube socks and what not to do with pies. Then it’s off to Gym, where you and your fellow classmates will hunt each other down in a battle to the death. Remember, this class is pass-fail!

Lunch will be a welcome respite from all the fast-paced nothing you crazy teens do all day. Sit down with a slightly lukewarm prepackaged meal, look enviously at the cute girl three tables down, and have an encouraging encounter with the local bully.

Fifth period, Science is not just the pig-dissecting, circulatory system-memorizing chore it used to be. Not when the MTA is involved! We’ve “spiced things up” a bit by including a parasitic alien worm and an evil teacher out to rip your head off and drink from the flowing red fountain within. Also, expect a pop quiz!

French Class isn’t what you think it is, but neither is Science Class. Take your pick and be satisfied that we’re not making you learn Russian! We at MTA highly suspect that half of their alphabet was formed as a practical joke to outsiders.

Just when you think you’re catching your breath from all the excitement of the high school drudgery, prepare for a full-fledged military assault, as your school has been targeted as an essential weapons manufacturing facility. Remember, duck and cover!

Think you're buff in body? Then be sure to sign up for Fight Club, where body blows and male egos are slammed into submission. Think you're buff in brains instead? Our renowned Chess Club is perfect for what ails ya.

If you’re late to even one MTA-sponsored class, expect the unexpected: detention! It’s not as boring as you might think, particularly if you’re a one-dimensional stereotype prone to deep self-analysis.

The day and vacation package wouldn’t be complete without the awkwardness and anticipation of the prom. You’ve been practicing your coordinated dance steps and picked out your outfit, right? Ooh, sweet.

That’s it for this edition of the Mutant Travel Agency brochure! Remember to buckle up, fly straight, and blindly write us large, generous, undeserved checks!