Kymberlie "Kick-Ass" McGuire passed away this Monday, due to a tragic boating accident, involving vasoline, two gerbils, and her boyfriend. Her tragic remains were ironically found by her dog, Rat-Thing, and later brought to the morgue at Our Lady Of Cramps Hospital in Houston, Texas.

Kym will be forever remembered as a patriot; a lover; a dreamer; and a damn fine Mutant Reviewer. Her ex-fiancee and his wife will probably not be able to attend the funeral, but we expect everyone else on the planet to do so. In her honor and because of her love for the net, Kym's funeral will be the first-ever service broadcast over cyberspace on January 12. RealAudio and RealVideo will be required to participate in this momentous and memorable event. Kym is expected to wear that really cute blue dress, you know the one I mean, and don't forget to check out navel ring cam!

In addition to being the first woman space shuttle pilot, Kym McGuire has accomplished tasks unheard of in a Texan's life-span. She is the premiere owner of every album Sting has made (including his little-known release, "The Poop That I Scoop"). She graduated from Pompiere Gourmet School Of Cooking in Paris, France, and is renouned for her nacho supremes. In 1991, Kym received the Congressional Medal of Honor for her part in taking down Baghdad personally during the Gulf War. After extensive training during 93-96, Kym became an international spy named "Morice" and went undercover in an unnamed Houston company.

Kym's reviews for the Mutant Reviewers From Hell, however, remain the spotlight of a bright and successful career. One orphaned child in Seattle, WA writes, "Kym's words gave me the strength to go on, day after day. Even when we had to eat worms." Her words, indeed, did inspire us all to rise above normality and strive to the greatness that she did so achieve. Of course, it wasn't merely her words that brought readers in by droves to our humble page:

"That belly button picture kept me warm at night!" said MRFH fanatic Don Keote, from Bay Heights, MA. Indeed, the picture that shook our very nation when it was suspected to be intimately involved with President Clinton. Fortunately, that scandal has passed.

We encourage our readers to send in letters of support and memorial, to be posted on this page. Keep Kym's memory alive, please! Write to: Memories Of Kym.

Kym's final words (before exploding) were, "I wish I had sent in more reviews!".

SYMPATHY LETTERS

*Sob*

Alas, poor Kymberlie! I knew her, Justin......

I can't believe she's gone. *sniff* I warned her, more times than I can count, to beware of marmots when she was anywhere near water! If only she'd listened, if only she'd been more careful, if only *sob* she'd known that marmots often DISGUISE THEMSELVES AS GERBILS! *sob, snuffle, bitter tears* Please, just give me a moment to compose myself......

Ah, well. At least we can rest easier knowing our dear Kymberlie has gone to a better place, a place with no talking Christmas trees, no stairmasters, no film-strip man (and no cats). She's already lived in the hell known as Foley's, so I know in my heart she's at peace now (having died near fish, even if the explosion did take some of them with her)

Emily Dickinson sums up my feelings of despair much better than I ever could, so I'm just going to submit this poem in memory of our Fish-girl.

Goodnight, sweet Minion, and flights of angels SING thee to thy rest -- to the tune of "The Yellow Rose of Texas" if you would be so kind:

My life closed twice before it's close;
   It yet remains to see, 
If Immortality unveil
   A third event to me,

So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
   As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of Heaven, *sob*
   And all we need of Hell.

Kymberlie was the best minion I ever had.......

With deepest regrets, *sniff*

~~HRH Jeanna

P.S. I was sorry to hear about Steven, too.

hahahahahaha..you are crazy!!!! I love it!!! I want everyone to know..she was the best little elf a gal could ask for .... she was thoughtful... and a very wonderul and loving SIS.. Love you girl!!!!!!!

u_neekgirl... aka... Dana

Dear sir:

I was deeply saddened to read of the passing of Ms Kymberlie R. McGuire... we were friends oh so long ago... it seems like just yesterday that we shared our plans for the future, our hopes and dreams... Sitting for hours on end gabbing about anything we could imagine, and might I inform you, our imaginations are quite good!!!

When I read of this tragic loss, I was literally rendered speechless... dumbfounded... became as if I were a deer in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle... not a word passed from my lips... unless you count "WHATTHE(*&(*&%&^%&^%&%" as a word.... then a single, solitary, remorseful tear travelled its way down my cheek, and onto my keyboard... in memory of a fallen comrade.

*sits and scratches head*..... what the h---???? Who wrote that???

Kym's DEAD????

CAN'T BE!!!!

GOLLLLLLLLLY!!!!

Nursie/Kirsten, the evil spirited, nutty as a fruitcake, blown in from the great white north sister-to-beat-all-sisters *G*

Dear Memorialist,

I am so sorry to hear of the recent demise of Kym, but such an innocent beauty could never have been expected to survive in this hard, cruel world. I'll always remember her fondly. How many tragic gerbil/baoting accidents must we watch before something is done about this, dammit?!

By the way... Has the car been given to anyone yet?

christine

Alas... life is no longer worth living! Why are the powers that be so cruel, to remove the one reason for existance on this earth! I ask... WHY WHY WHY??? Her every word was to be hung as we read her amazing reviews... but her work shall never be finished... Out out brief candle... All of life is a stage and all that... We shall all miss her.. and hopefully... we will be able to continue living (though some deaths are to be expected). Uh... by the way... has it been decided as to who gets her stereo? Cause I'll give it a good home!... Really!

Mark Jackman