Kyle on Bond

James Bond is, without a doubt, one of the most important role models in my life. As I’ve mentioned in reviews and while on first dates, my parents exposed me to Bond very early on in life, choosing not to heed basic books on parenting or any conventional wisdom regarding a child’s response to film violence. Looking back it was obviously the right choice, since I was infused in an interesting way early in life with clear-cut notions about what’s right, what’s wrong, and how to woo dangerous women. Thanks, mom and dad!

As a kid, I think Roger Moore was my particular ideal Bond. The Sean Connery films were Bond enough to be entertaining, but Moore was the one to emulate. He could speak volumes with a raised eyebrow, or he could use his velvet voice to toss out barbs at villains and sexually-charged witticisms at every girl who got within 30 yards of him. Plus, he was, like, indestructible! Who needs superior fighting skills when you’ve got gadgets, impeccable hair, and a constant bemused smile to do your fighting for you?

Growing up, we didn’t have anything like Metal Gear Solid or Resident Evil to eat up our time: we had Metal Gear (which was frustratingly hard) and The Legend of Zelda. They were fun, but they weren’t enough to keep me indoors for too long. So I’d invariably end up running around outside like a wild man, entertaining myself. More than half the time I’d pretend to be James Bond. It meant doing a little bit of stealth work, and then waging a loud war on my target. Bond is the best kind of spy: he’s covert for as long as he has to be, but he knows the virtue of becoming the center of attention when the time is right. Boom!

As I grew up, I realized playacting as Bond wasn’t just a game for playing with dart guns and super soakers. The role could be just as useful in the high school and romantic realm. Nope: I’m not kidding in the slightest. Developing a skill for tossing out lightning-fast quips to defuse any situation (or just buy some time), as well as using an arched eyebrow or a smirk to charm my way in or out of anything, made life a whole lot easier to handle. Being charming and sophisticated (and hugely egotistical) probably would have come easy to me anyway, but it was great to have James Bond as a standard to live up to.

And once I got to college, Pierce Brosnan had made the role of Bond his own, and I was in the perfect position to remake myself as a suave, Bond-like man with an edge. Adding Brosnan’s charm to the mix helped me refine my charming ladies’ man image, and overall it was all pretty successful. Obviously, there are a myriad of influences and examples that helped me become who I was and who I am today. But I don’t have to exaggerate when I say that whenever I’ve been in a bind, especially with scary/dangerous girls or billionaire megalomaniacs, the first thing I’ll ask myself is “What Would Bond Do?” and the answer to that question is almost always my key to success.

I actually wasn’t sure how up-front I was with the James Bond love when I younger, but I was looking through my old yearbooks and I noticed that a whole lot of girls either called me James Bond or made 007-related jokes in what they wrote. So I guess I didn’t make any excuses about being a Bond fanatic. It wasn’t until college that I found a Bond tee-shirt, which was probably for the best, all things considered. If I could change anything, I guess all I would have asked for is an authentic James Bond action figure. I used G.I. Joes in his absence from the toy shelves, but it wasn’t the same. I have a nice small vinyl statue on my bookshelves, but I’m still waiting for a real kick-ass action figure. Someday...

I don’t know what James Bond is to you. A role model? A revered cinematic presence? An annoyance? A non-entity? I’d love to talk about it, and 20 films in the series means plenty of conversation and best-vs.-worst lists. But nothing can change the thrill I get every time I hear that memorable James Bond scene, or the fact that everytime I put on a nice suit I just naturally switch over to Bond mode. Even if you think he’s stupid (a lot of girls do; what’s that all about?), you can’t deny that the Bond series had given us a lot of vicarious thrills and a showcase for multiple People’s Sexist Man Alive winners to strut their stuff. No matter what else goes on in this crazy world we live in, there are a few words that will always give me hope and a renewed sense of purpose in life:

James Bond will return.