Movie Expectations

I wonder if, back in the “day” (way prior to my illustrious birth) before entertainment magazines and Internet spoiler/review sites, people went to movies with little to no expectations. Sure, if they knew the star(s) or director or something, they'd be prepared for good stuff (“James Garner is good, ergo, this will be good!” but otherwise they'd be in the dark. I assume so, at least. To find out for sure I would have had to have done “research” and “reading” and talked to “old people.” Not my bag, baby! Hope I die before I get old!

Nowadays, the world of film is insanity. Websites have that day’s shooting script pages up for the newest hot movies, and you can go on eBay and bid on the ending to the last Lord of the Rings movie (turns out they’re based on books! Who knew?). And the most innocent looking extra in the background of the new Brad Pitt movie is actually cataloging everything to write gossip tidbits on some message board. I guess I don’t mind, because I like to find out who dies in the fourth Indiana Jones movie years before it’s even made. But it wreaks havoc on our movie expectations, not to mention kills people who don’t want to know plot details you accidentally drop into conversation to seem cool. D'oh!

Is it better this way? Movie tickets are like $6-$12 out here in southern California, which isn’t too bad, so it’s not like I get really mad if I spend that $8 on The Mexican and it turns out to be, well, The Mexican. Thankfully, I’ve never seen The Mexican because I read about it on the web, heard it was garbage, and won’t even dignify it with a clik-thru on cable flipping. That worked out. But does it always?

Don't expect any blood in this one!

Freddy vs. Jason. I read so many negative reviews prior to its release that I started to believe it really could be bad. But I had faith, so I went on the first day, and it was AWESOME. Stupid bad reviews! But then, it was all that anti-hype that got my expectations down, and helped my viewing experience have a touch of “hey, this rules after all I WAS RIGHT! yea!” satisfaction to it. So I guess my movie expectation experience with that one was kinda positive. Hmm.

I started writing this planning to be all “don’t screw up my movie expectations! Leave me alone! Sure, I actively seek out your magazines and websites, but if that woman can sue for spilling hot coffee in her own lap and win, then you better bow down when I come to town!” But at this point I’m kinda like “hey, this can pay off sometimes.” It’s so upsetting, you know?

But hey: it’s not like I advocating the destruction of media that shows me advance pics and spoils plot stuff. I’d much rather live in a world where they have that stuff versus a boring world where the Internet is free of both gossip and porn. I guess it all depends on you. I like knowing movie endings before I see a movie. I’ve dated girls who tried to kill me with popcorn because they can’t stand knowing which characters are probably going to hook by. Seriously. Popcorn can be deadly, people. Always bring soft snacks on movie dates.

Neo, stay away from the popcorn!

I think I can take reading stuff. What bothers me is movie previews that give away everything. Why, God, why? See, my memory is incredible. So if I see a movie preview, I’ll remember it until I see the movie. And when I see the movie, I’m sitting there going, “okay, when is this chick going to spin and scream, which probably means the killer skewers her at that point? I’m not going to get too attached to her because... yep, skewered and pinned on the wall. Gee, what a shock that is. How does glue work?” Stupid movie previews!

Uh, how do I end this thing? Here’s how: don’t date someone who doesn’t share your movie gossip inclinations. That way leads to madness, people. And just try the opposite way for once. There are a couple movies I’m just totally staying pure for. It requires rose-colored glasses and an instantaneous “close your ******* eyes!” reaction, but it can work. It can work for you, too! If you’re all about purity of film experiences, try spoiling a minor upcoming film for yourself. Maybe you’ll see the light and learn how to assign $6 for future releases and how to spend what you would have blown on The Matrix Revolutions on sandwiches. Yeah, pastrami rules!