A Mutant First-Hand Account

As if Kyle wasn't suffering enough from physical comparisons...

In my life up to now, I’ve only been captured on film/video a few times:

• Standing behind a winning contestant as they were interviewed by the Channel 4 News and smiling like a goofy idiot at the annual Empire Frog Rodeo in Empire, Colorado
• My high school yearbook video (sitting unwatched and unopened in my video cabinet)
• Those “movies” I made with friends back in high school (whatever you’re imagining, I can guaranteed the actual truth is much much worse!)
• The 5-minute modern adaptation of Paradise Lost my friends and I did as a project for Major British Writers back in high school (I was Satan!)
• Standing in front of the display video recorders at Sears and checking my hair for like 10 minutes

My point is that while I watch a lot of movies and review a lot of movies, I haven’t been in many movies. But for a regular public citizen such as myself, there is a “fun” way to fill in that gaping hole of need in regards to the cinematic realm: Universal Studios! Not only is there the possibility of sighting an actual celebrity, but you can go on rides and watch shows that allow you to physically enter the worlds of your favorite films and television shows! And all for only about $50, not counting the $15 nachos you’ll spring for around 4 p.m.! A couple weeks ago, as I cruised out to Universal City and queued up to buy my ticket to enter this film paradise (which I hadn’t been to since I was like 12), I knew that even if this wasn’t my shot at somehow entering the big time world of Hollywood, I would at least have the chance to buy a Terminator 2: 3-D tee-shirt and at least fill the gaping hole of Schwartzenegger need in my closet. Whoa, that sentence could be potentially misread in so many ways! Let’s move on, shall we?

So, even though I might be robbing my account of any and all tension, in retrospect the day was fun but a little disappointing. I think the problem is, like so many amusement parks, Universal Studios doesn’t really have much to do because it’s designed for busy days. If I had gone during the summer at the height of the tourist season, I would have spent like 3 hours of my day standing in lines to do stuff, so by the time the park closed I would have felt like I was lucky to have squeezed everything in. Since I went at the end of April, when it wasn’t very crowded at all, I spent a total of 30 minutes standing in lines and did pretty much everything I wanted to do by lunchtime. But at least I got to ride the Jurassic Park rollercoaster five times in a row, being sure each time to sit in the rear left seat so that when the water-based coaster splashed down the 85-foot drop, I got totally soaked! It was awesome! Till I got out of the ride and ate my fish sandwich lunch with wet underwear. But I digress.

Let me just run through these rides as I remember them, with a little help from the Universal Studios website which helpfully reminds me just what they have (university classes kill brain cells faster than alcohol: keep that in mind, kids!). Though there is one ride I can’t easily forget . . .

Shrek 4-D™ - Actually, this one isn’t open yet. But the wall looks nice. I didn’t think too much of the movie, though, so the wall didn’t do too much for me. There was a guy wandering around in a Shrek costume, taking pictures with kids. I really hope he was a paid park employee.

Spiderman: Live - Or something, this was a retelling of the movie Spiderman set to pop songs (especially “We Need a Hero” [shades of Who’s Harry Crumb?]) that is really, really loud. I mean, wow! And kind of bad. I had to go home and watch the movie again just to wash the bad taste out of my brain. It was okay, I suppose, if you wanted to see some sort of choreographed dancing/music show that happens to be all about your favorite webcrawling superhero. But watching this, I began to wonder just how Joel Schumacher is going to ruin Phantom of the Opera . . .

Universal Studios Tour - See, I remember this one from back when I was a wee youngster and went with my parents. It seems like there was a room for Battlestar Galactica that we went through, though that is no longer around (as the show isn’t, either). It’s fun, if you like seeing movie magic get explained away by a “funny” tour guide who obviously couldn’t cut it as an extra on some Universal television sitcom and directs the tour trams all day instead. But maybe I’m just bitter because I want his job. If you’ve never been, it’s kind of cool to at least see the mechanical Bruce shark robot (under)used in Jaws. And if it’s hot out, chances are you’ll bake in the sun. Ooh, fun! There is one part that really got to me: the Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb. Basically, the trams drive into this tunnel where the surroundings start to spin around you. Man, if I hadn’t immediately closed my eyes, I would have been out $8.50 because my nachos would have been all over! Though that would have been a sight to see!

The New Special Effects Stages - Uh, I didn’t actually go into this one. Sorry. It sounds like it could be fun, though.

The Animal Planet TV Network - This was pretty fun. As anyone who has been to SeaWorld can attest, animal hijinks are very funny. So this show, with goofy stuff including birds who pluck dollar bills out of people’s hands and dogs who can walk and talk (well, they can walk), is pretty entertaining. Not like Terminator blowing stuff up with guns and lasers, but still entertaining. As in, once you’ve done everything else, you might as well do this to get the full value out of your ticket. Not that I’m a tightwad, mind you!

Nickelodeon Blast Zone! - I didn’t do this either. I think it’s more for little kids to run around and get soaked to bone while they’re chased and eventually consumed by park employees in Rugrats and SpongeBob SquarePants costumes. But my imagination could just be running wild as well.

Behold! Your new metal god! No, it's just Gus.

Terminator 2: 3-D - This was a highlight for me, because I like all things Terminator and this features new stuff filmed by the big four from T2 to add a little bit of plot following T2. Of course, now John Connor is being played by Nick Stahl in T3, but for now Edward Furlong is still John Connor in this attraction. Basically, we’re just sitting in a theater watching action unfold before us (courtesy of some actors in costume, who run around and do this stuff at least 5 times a day and probably never want to hear the word “terminator” in their normal lives for fear of going absolutely insane) and then on big screens which show us the future world (which looks pretty bleak, I’m sorry to say, but with some spackling and new drapes, who knows?) and the quest to finally (again) destroy Skynet. Good luck! At least we get to buy official Terminator merchandise as we leave the attraction, to fill that gaping hole you know you have in your collectible shelf!

Back to the Future - Let me just put this out there: I kind of don’t like magic motion rides. And BTTF is a magic motion ride, where you get into a special Delorean and follow Biff before he brings all of time and space to destruction (stupid Biff!). Or, do it my way, which is where you get into the special Delorean, feel like your head is going to fall off while your brains leak through your ears as you jostle from side-to-side, and then semi-calmly jump out of the ride when it’s over and go lay on the cold concrete sidewalk while children laugh and adults give you dollar bills for the long bus ride home. I’m not sure which is the preferred method of handling these rides, but I’m going to stick with what I know for now.

Waterworld - Again, I skipped this one to go see the Terminator thing twice. But my parents went to this and said it was pretty fun. Basically, if you haven’t seen WaterWorld, cool, because I haven’t either. But I think it’s like future pirates fight good guys for water or in water or by water, or something, and there are big explosions of fire and water, and a lot of the audience gets wet. I don’t know. I think Kevin Costner actually stars in this attraction, 5 times a day, 7 days a week. Times are pretty tough, eh?

Kyle falls out of the boat, but there's no going back for survivors now!

Jurassic Park - Wow, this was fun every single time! Basically it’s just a stupid slow roller coaster to see rubbery automated dinosaurs and then see the park go from safe to raptors-on-the-loose/everyone-you’ve-ever-known-or-loved-is-dead. The best part is the end, where you get confronted by a “rampaging” T-Rex (he gets lowered slowly out of a wall, and you can see his bottom half looks less like legs and more like a large crane) and then rocket down an 80-foot waterfall drop. That’s cool, because the rear left seat gets totally soaked. Guess who was in the rear left seat like 5 times in a row? Me! Getting wet is the coolest!

Backdraft - This was kind of cool, although you just go into three different rooms and watch pre-recorded videos in the first two, and the last one is all set up to burst into manic flames and show you what can be done with “movie magic.” Wow! Tourists really like this one, I hear.

Mummy Returns - Wow, I didn’t go into this one either. I tried, but everything closes like a half hour before the park closes to make sure everyone leaves right away (presumably so the park employees can start looking for lost cell phones and wallets to turn into a nice tidy “on the side” profit) and by the time I got to this one, it was closed. Dang. Eh, who cares?

The Blues Brothers - This is a musical show, where two guys dressed up as the Blues Brothers drive up in their car and sing at you. I don’t know, I didn’t stay to listen. I need to watch that movie again, though. I haven’t seen it in forever! Uh, if you’re of age, just find your local House of Blues and go there, and have a drink on me. Tell them Kyle sent you!

Lucy: A Tribute - ???? No idea. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single episode of I Love Lucy. But I guess I can try, someday.

I think that’s it. Don’t let my lethargic tone dissuade you: it was a nice day well spent, and I think with my ticket I got a free year-long pass to get into the park whenever I want. Though why I would want to go back there, I have no idea. But the commercial said I should go, and the commercial was shiny and flashy and my head feels better when I do what the commercials tell me to do, so I went. In closing, if you have children, if you want to have children, or if you hate children with a passion, chances are you’ll have some fun at Universal Studios. Maybe next time, they’ll have more Hulk stuff! The Hulk rules!