Movie Marathons

A great tradition for both movie lovers and bored teens everywhere, the movie marathon is not only a cherished institution, but also stupid. That’s what makes it so special! In this guide, we’ll examine the how’s and why’s to a successful movie marathon, and also why I’m convinced I’m going to die at age 57 without ever finding my true love. It’s one of those weeks, folks.

WHY PUT ON A MOVIE MARATHON IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Good question. Shut up. Short of drooling your brains out watching a golf tournament on TV, movie viewing is one of the least grueling activities known to man. It’s simply not that hard to (1) sit, and (2) be entertained by flashy pictures and other people whose lives are much better and far more interesting than yours. So the challenge for the movie fan becomes: How do I turn my passion of films into something that takes at least a little effort, thus earning me boasting rights from then on?

Easy. A marathon.

Sure, we’ve probably all seen most of the Police Academy movies at some point, but how many people do you know that have watched all, how many are there?, seven movies in a row? Not too darn many, at least who are still alive! So as nerdy as it may be, completing a marathon of Guttenburgness might be a minor milestone in your life that few others can put on their résumés. Be prepared for a LOT of strange, pitying looks when you regale your dinner party guests with tales from your latest movie marathon, but that’s just because they have a life and don’t know which Police Academy flick introduced Bob Goldthwait (the second).

Another reason to throw a marathon is in the guise of a party with friends, but mostly for the same reasons. Bragging rights and/or a love of all of the movies you’re going to be running into the ground and eventually hating with every fiber of your dark-bleached pores.

WHAT MOVIES SHOULD I WATCH?

While this is entirely up to you and your masochistic behavior, the choice of mass movie selection is the best part of the marathon. Oh sure, watching is fun and all, but the whole concept of the marathon is the strange, scab-picking appeal.

You have a couple options here. The first is to simply go for an entire movie series. This is straight-forward, since your selection’s already picked, and there’s no shortage of sequels out there. If you want to be a wimp and elect for a shorter marathon (maybe 4.5 hours worth), go for a trilogy of comedies. Comedies and horror flicks tend to be quicker, and a marathon gets a snappy pace when you’re popping in a new flick every 90 minutes. But if you’re a REAL man, or a woman who deep inside wants to be a man but hasn’t saved enough dough to take the necessary operation, then the longer the series, the better. Five movies, minimum. Suggested series include the Rocky’s, the Star Wars’s, the Children of the Corn’s (insane number of these), the Godzilla’s (for the severely masochistic with two days of spare time on their hands), the Star Trek’s, the Meatballs’s, or the House Party’s (I chose these for a recent marathon).

The other way to go is thematic. Pick a selection of movies that revolve around a specific theme, and don’t deviate from it. It’s not a real marathon if you’re just slapping together a bunch of films with no connecting thread other than, "I kinda like them all." Boo and hiss to you, internet person. No, the true art of the thematic marathon is being able to select movies that will get you in a specific mindset, and have you doing the whole compare-and-contrast thing as you flow through them. Possible themes to get you started: zombies (Night of the Living Dead, Evil Dead 2, 28 Days Later); films starring annoying precocious kids (Home Alone, Problem Child, D.A.Y.R.L.); terrible movies based on mediocre video games (Tomb Raider, Double Dragon, House of the Dead); movies with at least two actors named "Corey" in them (The Lost Boys, um, other flicks I’m too lazy to research); and so on. You get the idea.

The essential rule to follow is that the marathon and the movies within have to be memorable for some reason. You’re trying to accomplish something here, something that most sane people have never done because they love life too much. Anything less than three movies isn’t a marathon, period. Any theme that is instantly forgotten by the next weekend, skip it. The stranger, the longer, the more obscure… this is your Holy Grail for the marathon.

PREPARING FOR THE MARATHON

Get the movies, obviously. Block off a long chunk of time, free from work, school or obligations, for this event. Drag some friends down with you, by claiming how cool this will be. Don’t tell them about the last one, where there was that guy who you had to pin down to keep him from clawing his own eyeballs out after the 17th Scanners movie. Stock up on snacks and drinks -- but make sure there’s some actual food in there too. You can only go so long on Tostitos and the Dew without rupturing something vital inside you. Prepare a comfortable viewing area, with the full realization that you’ll most likely come to loathe this room for the next month following the marathon. Wear something comfortable, unless you want to up the stakes by doing the entire marathon nude and wearing a giant blue foam cowboy hat or something.

For the extra-industrious, make up some signs and banners. T-shirts ("I went to Hellraiser 1-6, and all I got was this lousy homicidal impulse to kill you all"). Put a web cam on you and the TV, so people even lower than you can watch you watching.

RUNNING THE MARATHON

If you’re with friends -- or even if you’re not -- now’s a perfect time to give a short speech before pressing PLAY on the first film. Thank your various deity and Hostess snack cakes for giving you the inspiration and energy to do this. Vow that today will be a day that will never be forgotten, at least for those of you who make it through without blacking out due to some inner defense mechanism. Then settle back, and get going.

The important, most important thing to keep in mind is that once you start, you don’t stop. A marathon’s not a marathon if you’re taking one-hour breaks between films and meagerly gnawing on the movies when it’s convenient. It has to be a non-stop, ongoing process. You know you’re doing it right when a slight feeling of dread and "Oh what the HECK did I get myself into?" settles somewhere around the base of your neck.

Naturally, bathroom trips will need to be made, but these should be quick and minimal. Pause the movie if need be, but try to wait for the five to ten minutes of credits scroll at the end to do your dirty business. This way the movies never stop and your bladder does not go in open revolt against you.

If you’re very smart, you’ll not be starting all this at night or in the evening (when sleep is going to be your biggest enemy), but sometime in the morning instead. What you need to realize is that there will come a point during this event where it stops being fun and starts being grueling. I don’t care how many great movies or great themes you’ve come up with, this will happen. Typically, it’s sometime in the third movie. You’ll be watching the first two, all happy and blissfully unaware of the subliminal messages the aliens are programming into your brain through the combination of watching all of the Land Before Time movies in a row, but you’ll start to dig into the third movie and feel different.

This is no longer fun, exactly. This is getting hard. This is becoming straining on your patience. And there, boys and girls, is where you start to dig in. This is a marathon, after all, and they don’t call it a marathon if you’re merely running a block to the store. The point is that it’s going to be tough and it’ll push you in new ways, but you desire to get to the finish line to be able to say those three words: "I did it."

SURVIVAL TIPS

Friends are of course a great boon to a marathon. Suffering shared can be a wonderful bonding experience. It lessens the tedium by being able to sling jokes at the screen with a pal. Friends can also encourage one another to stick it out, but then again, after the fourth Patrick Swayze movie, they might start grumbling and popular consensus might lead you all outside where the sun’s harmful radiation will kill you within seconds.

If alone, call a friend and garner a bit of sympathy. Also, do a marathon journal where you jot down thoughts along a time frame that will truly scare your family when they read those harrowing words over your recently discovered lifeless corpse.

Attitude is key. Go into it knowing that it’ll get to a sucking point, but have fun with that anyway. Ask the movies to bring on the pain, daring them to drain all of the hope out of your life. Keep your eye on the goal, telling yourself that you’ll be proud that you did this, but you’ll probably never mention it to any other person either.

Rules don’t forbid you from doing other activities during the marathon, as long as at least part of your concentration is on the movie. So while reading a book is out, leafing through magazines might be okay. Do origami, clean the room, play Tetris, build those shelves you’ve been meaning to do, whatever. As long as you can do it right there without leaving.

Here’s one last Helpy Helperton tip: try to look at the clock or the time remaining as little as possible. The more you are aware of time, the slower it’ll go.

THE POST MARATHON: OH THANK YOU LORD, I MADE IT

When the last credits finally appear, two thoughts will pop into your mind. A sort of crazed laughter and a "Haha I did it! It’s over! I can stop watching TV!", and a "I’m never, ever, ever doing this again!" Both are perfectly normal.

Get some sleep and then spend the next 24 hours away from TV and movies -- this is a necessity. You need to reconnect with the world, and spare your dissolving brain and deflating eyeballs any further unnecessary trauma.

Allow yourself a smile though. To get through a particularly challenging movie marathon is not for the weak or the normal. I’ve done a few marathons in my time, and those are unforgettable experiences still. Good and bad memories. But generally, you’ll be glad you did it.