Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"You hear that? Keep your pride tucked."

2004 PG-13 / Action Adventure Directed by: Joe Johnston Starring: Viggo Mortensen, Zuleikha Robinson, Omar Sharif

Tagline

The True Story Of A Man Who Went Halfway Around The World To Find Himself.

Summary Capsule

It's a horsie race! Last one to the finish line scoops up all the horse apples!

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Sue's Rating: Awwww... Ponies!
Sue's Review: If I were to be honest with myself, I would have to admit that — in most ways — I am, well, something of a coward. Fear is not my friend. Danger is not my middle name, nor do I laugh in its face. I am not optimistic about my chances in a fight no matter how many cars I have waxed, how long I've spent applying stain to my deck, or how hot I thought Ralph Macchio was back in 1984.

"I am not optimistic about my chances in a fight no matter how many cars I have waxed, how long I've spent applying stain to my deck, or how hot I thought Ralph Macchio was back in 1984."

When a bat got into bedroom a few years ago, I did battle by taking up a strategically defensive position under my bed and wishing very, very hard that it would just go away. When inspecting the new roof on my house, I scampered up the ladder chipperly enough, but nearly needed a crane and a sedative to get back down again. When things go bump in the night, I pull the covers over my head and do my best unoccupied mattress impersonation.

In other words, were I a dead Klingon, I would not reside in Sto-Vo-Kor.

And yet, I am not afraid of thousand pound, steel-shod quadrupeds — even when they don't like me. They can pin their ears and snap their teeth and kick their feet and throw hissy fits in my general direction and it leaves me totally unmoved. And while age is supposed to bring with it a certain amount of wisdom, caution and common sense, last summer I happily climbed onto a bargain basement problem horse (that my ex had acquired "for the kids") with the full and fulfilled expectation that it would try to buck me off and stomple me into something rather more messily and inertly organic than my current state. Go figure.

It's a bit puzzling really. Hmph.

What's even more puzzling is that I haven't even touched on the movie yet! Okay, I'm all warmed up now. Let 'er buck!

Owned by one Frank T. Hopkins, Hidalgo, a pinto horse of mustang origin, has (in a world without YouTube, Wikipedia, CNN or even AT&T,) achieved worldwide notoriety as the best long distance racehorse alive. An Arabian sheik who looks amazingly like Omar Sharif (cause he is,) takes exception to this claim because, of course, he owns the best long distance racehorse alive. Emissaries are duly dispatched to invite the infidel and his nag to put up or shut up in the annual running of a 3,000 mile race catchily referred to as "The Ocean Of Fire" across the desert sands of Arabia. Intrigue, adventure, locusts and Native American mysticism follow. Oh, and there's the horse race too, which is pretty nifty.

It's an entertaining sort of movie; not a heavy burden intellectually and probably a little ham fisted on the morals-to-take-home-with-you, but fun. Viggo Mortensen as Frank T. Hopkins pulls off a wonderfully laconic cowpoke, completely unflustered by snotty sheiks, sandstorms and various international aristocrats — none of whom want him or his horse to finish the race.

Then there's Hidalgo, the John McClane of the equine world. He's sort of cute, incredibly tough, has a very dry sense of humor (especially for a horse — their senses of humor are usually moist,) and by golly, he just won't quit even when he probably knows he should. In other words, the Ocean of Fire race is Hidalgo's personal Nakatomi Tower. Although it's not animated, or animatronic, or whatever, it's impossible not to get a little anthropomorphic. The other horses don't seem to have much personality beyond leaping around and neighing with their tiny little brains in danger of falling out of their furry little ears, but Hidalgo could take over the Tonight Show when Leno packs it in.

Still, you can't have a horse oriented movie without Sue getting all nitpicky, can you? So, quibbles. If you're not into studs 'n steeds, stop reading.

• Believe it or not, though horses are very good at communication, they're not particularly vocal. Their primary reasons for making noise are: New Horse!, Sex!, Buddy-Roll-Call!, Baby/Mommy! and Suppertime! The experienced equestrian can usually tell the difference between vocalizations. So, for me, seeing Hidalgo turn his head to look meaningfully at his master and hearing the unmistakable nicker that says "Hey baby, what's your sign?" is really... disturbing.

• The damage Hidalgo absorbs, combined with a lack of a nearby state-of-the-art veterinary facility, and a trailer to get him there, leads me to conclude that the horse would have died at least five times during the course of the movie. I understand that creative license comes into play, and it's a very poor story that leaves the hero a bloated corpse by the beginning of the second act, but at the very, VERY least, he should have been three legged lame. I mean, really! At least... lose a shoe or something, will ya?

• The five horses used to represent Hidalgo (all registered American Paint Horses) would not be mistaken for mustangs — or endurance horses — by any knowledgeable horse person. It's a matter of conformation. Incidentally, Mustangs aren't very pretty to look at, but they could certainly give Arabians a run for their money in matters of toughness and endurance. (Arabian horses, however, are still the acknowledged world leaders in endurance competition.)

• The two gaits most commonly used in this sort of race are the walk and the trot. They're efficient and not as draining on the horse as cantering or galloping. Amazing how much galloping goes on in this movie. But hey, it's Hollywood. Gallop 'em if you got 'em, I guess.

Never eat chili for lunch when the nearest outhouse is nine-hundred miles away. Yet another Mapquest victim. If only he hadn't left the keys in the ignition when he went into that convenience store...

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• When Hidalgo is running with the mustangs, he is very clearly wearing horseshoes.
• Hot Bubbling Sheik Stew! Ew.
• New advertising campaign: Got Locust?
• Home, home on the Wadi...
• Instead of painting a gray horse black as a decoy Al-Hittal, wouldn't it have been simpler to just use a horse that was black already?!

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

No.

Unnecessary Background

Although Hidalgo is supposed to be "based" on events in the life of the real Frank T. Hopkins, many historians dispute the validity the achievements and adventures Hopkins claimed. Actually, most historians refer to Hopkins as nothing more than a world class liar. (In fact, a quick web search pulled up a truckload of vitriol on the topic.) Hopkins stories that have been debunked or can't be proven include:
• That his mother was Sioux.
• That he was born in Fort Laramie in 1865. (No record of a Frank T. Hopkins exists according to the Fort Laramie historical society.)
• That he won a Galveston, Texas to Rutland, Vermont race. (There's no mention of any such race in the Rutland newspapers of that era.)
• That he was a "star and ringmaster" at Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show for 32 years. (The curator of the Buffalo Bill Museum found no records of Hopkins in their database.)
• That the Ocean of Fire race ever took place. (According to the King Faisal Center for Research and Islamic Studies - and I guess they ought to know.)
• The actual existence of the horse named Hidalgo.

Having said that, there are also Frank T. Hopkins Tribute sites and it does seem as though Hopkins was very active in the preservation of the Spanish Mustang breed.

Groovy Quotes

Preston Webb: I didn't join this race to finish in second place!
Frank Hopkins: Why did you then?

Frank Hopkins: Mister, you can say anything you want about me. I'm gonna have to ask you not to talk about my horse that way.

Phoebe Ann: Damn gun's loaded and so are you.
Hopkins: I'm gettin' the hell out of Cleveland.
Phoebe Ann: Good, cause we're in Boston.

Major Davenport: Ice is a precious commodity at sea, my friend. My gin might go warm for the sake of your misfortune.
Frank Hopkins: Much obliged, but I'd take warm gin over ice anytime, mister.

Frank Hopkins: You're workin' for me?
Yusef: It was this or be removed of my left hand. *significant pause* The future will tell if I have chosen poorly.

Frank Hopkins: You know horses?
Yusef: Goats.
Frank Hopkins: That'll help.

Aziz (explaining Sheik Riyahd's refusal to shake hands): If his excellence were to touch an infidel, he would lose his ability to foretell the future.
Frank Hopkins: Oh. Sorry.

Aziz: You are most wise to tie your horse. Were he to cover an Arab mare, the foal would have to be destroyed before it touches the ground... as would the sire.
Frank Hopkins [to Hidalgo]: You hear that? Keep your pride tucked.

Hopkins: Back home we toss a horseshoe in the pot. Stands up straight, the coffee's ready.

Shiek Sakr: My name is Sakr. Desert law compels me to speak truthfully. I find the entry of a western infidel sacrilege. But, I trust in Allah that he will roast ten of us like sheep on a spit before the sun sets today. You shall be among the first.
Frank Hopkins: Well, good luck to you too.

Sheik Riyadh: And you, an unbeliever in the tent of a man who can trace his very blood back to Adam, you will be removed of your infidel self.
Frank Hopkins: Removed of my what?
Sheik Riyadh: Like a stallion not worthy of breeding.

Yusef: You survived the sandstorm! Allah must have a more severe punishment waiting for you.
Hopkins: Thanks pardner.

Hopkins: (Regarding locusts): Once you get past the legs, they ain't too bad.

Hopkins: Let 'er buck!

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Black Beauty
• Seabiscuit
• Sue's Top Five Cinematic Studs