The Film Cynic Looks at Superhero Movies

We learn:

1. A good superhero never takes a life. Fortunately, his/her enemies are always conveniently falling off high things.

2. An antihero will almost never find himself in the position of having to kill anyone who is physically helpless.

3. It doesn't matter what you do to a woman. Once you're through kidnapping her, knocking her out with drugs, torturing her for her own good, etc., she will defend you to the death.

4. All psychology professionals are gorgeous twentysomethings with perfect hair and teeth.

5. All scientists, whether studying molecular biology, physics, chemistry, or anthropology, will wear lab coats and glasses at all times.

6. It is possible to wear an absolutely skintight item of clothing without revealing any personal hairs.

7. Ignoring broken ribs results in pain and inconvenience, but not punctured organs and death.

8. Wearing a leather bustier and unbound long hair is an indication of toughness in a woman.

9. The average superhero will be knocked unconscious two or three times per film, whereas medical doctors consider one such incident in a lifetime to be significant.

10. Megalomaniacal plans involving expensive, delicate machines will inevitably fail.

We deduce:

1. When shaking your fist in defiance at Spider-man, Batman, etc., we recommend doing it from your office via your webcam.

2. Fortunately, we can tell him from the superhero by his chin stubble and trench coat.

3. Stockholm Syndrome is alive and well.

4. We knew we chose the wrong major when we were in college.

5. Those OSHA safety regulations are a lot tougher in Gotham City and Metropolis.

6. Somewhere in North America there is a small, discrete chain of cosmetology clinics which offer some very painful electrolysis.

7. Your average superhero may be prone to flesh wounds, but he has lungs made of Kevlar.

8. Our entire armed forces could easily be run by fifty fetish hookers.

9. Much that is inexplicable in superhero behavior is traceable to brain trauma.

10. We're guessing the Sony corporation will keep trying anyway.