Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"Star Cruiser Crash Crash."

1985 NR / Scifi Fantasy Directed by: Jim & Ken Wheat Starring: Wilford Brimley, Warwick Davis, Aubree Miller

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Summary Capsule

Star Wars gets another punch in the face, but this time with bigger stars and a (quite slightly) bigger budget!

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DVD

Justin's Rating: It's as if a million scriptwriters cried out... and were no more
Justin's Review: "Honey, I’m going to watch that other Ewok movie while I have some time."

"Urgh," my wife said, wrinkling up her nose. "I’ll be on the computer. I’m sorry for you, though."

"His companion is Teek, a much better articulated muppet who can run super-fast and be super-annoying. Because the Ewoks just weren’t cutting the mustard this time."

And I was a little sorry for me, too. Sure, I had bought this two-for-one DVD set, knowing that the combination of horrible TV movies and a vague Star Wars license would be good for reviewin’, but the first Ewoks film tested the sheer limits of how much I could stand petulant grade school children and midget creatures whose fleece outerwear had gone awry. The long and the short of it turned out to be: Ewok Adventure: The Battle for Endor is much, much better than Caravan of Courage. It’s enjoyable, even, in a tacky film done right sort of way. I found myself gurgling with glee as plentiful action and humor lit up the screen, and came to the conclusion that — any day of the week — I would gladly watch Battle for Endor over any of the Star Wars prequels. Not just out of spite, but also out of entertainment.

Of course you’d think that any filmmakers making a sequel to a crappy, money-pandering TV movie featuring teddy bears would totally blow the day off and assign it to their interns. However, for some reason, Battle for Endor threw away 90% of what made Caravan of Courage so horribly lame and injected in much-needed elements. Such as a big leap in the special effects department — huge battles with blasters and stop motion-animated critters are almost the norm, plus a groovy spaceship to boot. And also a limiting of annoying children AND Ewoks, which is always welcome at any dinner parties.

Battle for Endor has a great streak of dark humor, as evidenced by the opening scene. Cindel, the moon boots-wearing star child, is skipping along with Wickett through the flowery fields. Wicket, by the way, now speaks excellent English (or Basic/Galactic, for you Star Wars nerds). Ah, the peaceful laughter of youth. Tee-hee! Grab it while you can, because a horde of Marauders — Orcs with blaster rifles and blaster cannons — drop on by to attack and destroy the Ewok village (still located on the ground, as in the first film), while killing Mace, Cindel’s mom, and Cindel’s dad. Death! It’s fan-tastic! The Marauders also take most of the Ewoks hostage for no useful reason, but Cindel and Wicket get away to go have wondrous adventures.

They fall in league with a hermit and a Fraggle Rock castaway. The hermit is Noa, played by Wilford Brimley, who’s most famous for being the 1980’s spokesman for Quaker Oatmeal (he’s also been in Remo Williams and The Firm). He’s old and fat and wears a shocking amount of muumuus, but he’s also the closest thing to an action star that we get in this vehicle. Noa’s one of those ancient farts who pretends to be incredibly cranky, but secretly is a huge softie. Personally, this movie gets at least an extra non-existent star from me for all of the yelling he does at Cindel and Wicket. His companion is Teek, a much better articulated muppet who can run super-fast and be super-annoying. Because the Ewoks just weren’t cutting the mustard this time.

Eventually Cindel gets captured by the Marauders, who are looking for The Power. No, not The Force, that’s something that actually makes even less sense. The Power is a starship fuel cell, which the Marauders can’t seem to identify, even though they use modern blasters all willy-nilly. They also seem to belong in a completely different genre, seeing as how they live in a castle, ride horses, have plate armor, use swords (at least the boss does), and entertain a witch. Yes, a witch in a Star Wars film. She’s there to turn into a crow and also to showcase an impossibly high forehead.

If you spot a rescue in the works, then ding-ding-ding, tell you what you’ve won: a nifty neat-o final battle sequence! I’m not mocking it that much, either, since it’s way cooler than anything the Ewoks did in Jedi, and there’s tons of blaster fire going on. It can’t be helped; the Marauders, like Stormtroopers before them, absolutely hate background scenery. Rocks, cliffs, trees, delicate ferns — they’re all begging for a blasting. Alas, no Ewoks get punctured by random misses.

There’s plenty to mock in this package, too, which is a definite highlight if you’re in the presence of a know-it-all Star Wars fan who can’t stand to see his (or her, but who are we kidding?) universe crumble. "Hey, there’s a unicorn! In a Star Wars film!" you could start out. Or how about, "Gee, who needs the Force when you have magic? Or… THE POWER!" Or, "There sure aren’t a lot of trees in this part of the ‘forest moon’, eh?" Or, "Teek is so much cooler than Boba Fett, don’t you think?" Or even, "Since when did blasters run out of ammo and need to have rags wrapped around them?" Ah, that’s the life.

I got a kick out of Battle for Endor, and its short running time and lack of extremely painful scenes help (in all truth, there were two wince-inducing moments: when Wilford Brimley got up from the bed and you could see a tighty whitie crotch shot, and when Cindel decided to grace us with a horribly sung lullaby). Bottom line for me and movies is entertainment: did it do it well? A hefty "yes" for Battle for Endor, I’d say. I’d even show this to guests, but as my wife said when I mentioned that:

"May God rest their souls."

Ewok martial arts include the deadly technique of wrapping yourself around a calf and giving it a big ol' hug. Mister, you've got the bull by the horns! Star Wars fans? Yeah, give Trek fans a break from teasing; you guys have THIS in your beloved universe.

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Paul Gleason from The Breakfast Club as The Easily Killable Dad!
• The Ewok theme music from Jedi
• Cidel’s moon boots
• Holy crap — Wicket speaks English?
• I love when they beat up on kids and Ewoks. Ahh.
• The opening battle scene has a chunk of a SFX budget
• Wicket goes for the "attack the ankles" move
• Nice plate armor and swords — do they work against blasters?
• It’s a Power Rangers crow ring!
• The dad talks pretty calmly for a guy dying of a blaster wound to the lungs
• The stop-motion dewback things
• Pretty sunset as the slave caravan travels
• The life monitors are pretty morbid when you think of it
• It went from night, to day, to twilight in about 3 seconds
• The bad guys like shooting rocks and little kids
• WickGuyver makes a hang glider out of bones and a scrap of hide
• Oh no! A… dragon! On… Endor…
• HORRIBLE matte lines
• It’s a fast annoying critter! Thank you, Star Wars!
• Santa Claus apparently lives on Endor, too
• I like movies where grownups yell at kids
• If you wanted to see Wilford Brimley flash his underwear, here you go
• Death is sad. And stuff.
• "Your family is in your heart" — next thing you know, she’s gonna rip her chest open to get them out
• Aaaah! Little kids sing so bad!
• So the evil dude uses blasters, but has to employ a witch to figure out what a power cell does?
• Horses on Endor now… okie… and castles!
• Teek running into the tree in fast-forward is funny
• Bad guys laugh a lot when lounging
• Cool bomb!
• Ewoks can make bows and spears in under 2 minutes
• The Ewok catapulting himself
• The Ewok saluting the bad guy

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Only if someone taped over it with a bikini swimsuit competition.

Groovy Quotes

Wicket: Danger, Noa, danger!

Cindel: [when Wickett is about to free the witch] No, not her! She’s evil! [Cindel throws the keys down the drain and Justin applauds]

Noa: You little bug-lover, I've told you and I've told you I don't want no strangers around here and look what you've done, you've brought them here and don't even know who they are. Who are you?

Wicket: Good-bye not good.

Wicket: Star Cruiser Crash Crash.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Ewok Adventure: Caravan of Courage
• Star Wars: Return of the Jedi
• Willow