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Okay, I know we all make bad choices, and that there's not one of us that doesn't regret making those "experimental" college art films that involve slow-motion genitalia, but this marks Mr. LeBlanc as the single dumbest human being, anywhere, in any time era. It's as if he actively decided to skip the many years of coasting off his TV success and just went straight to his autumn years of desperate selling of his body and services to the lowest bidder. My girlfriend, upon hearing that I elected to rent and watch Ed, laughed and told me that she doesn't know anyone who actively looks for bad movies to watch. Not true, I countered, and besides... even badness can be goodness when it's a monkey playing baseball and managing to upstage Matt LeBlanc in doing so. It's downright patriotic. Let's all stand and sing the Fake Monkey Anthem. Ed is the story of Jack (LeBlanc), an extremely dull-witted farmboy (fetch me that pitcher) who is "discovered" as a pitching prodigy out in the sticks. At least this backstory treats us to LeBlanc milking cows for a bit before sinking us hipdeep in artificial gorillas. Jack's schtick is he's an incredible pitcher with a fatal flaw: choking from pressure and being in movies degrading to all humankind. This makes him a sucky ballplayer for whatever farm team he plays for (coached by the lamented Jack Warner), and it's obvious he needs a bit of help. I wish it was quitting his contract and never making another movie again, but no such luck. By the way, Jack's nickname is "The Deuce", which sounds a LOT like "The Douche" when they say it over and over in this film. That can't be coincidental. Ed is a movie that's built upon the shaky foundations of extreme slapstick, the likes of which is unseen outside of any Looney Tunes cartoon. Yeah, it's not the subtle type of slapstick, if there is such a kind... no, it's the "fart in your face for a full minute, then fall down in a pile of poop" variety. Douche's help is Ed, our man-in-a-monkey-suit to the rescue. And it's amazing how hokey Ed looks, acts, and moves while he plays annoying tricks on Jack during the course of 90 minutes. The guy in Ed's suit doesn't even attempt to mimic a monkey; instead, Ed has the mannerisms and human expressions of a six-year old. Here's the story -- a combination of The Rookie and The Odd Couple -- in short sentences lest the complex plot escape you: Jack starts pitching. Jack is a bad pitcher. Baseball team gets Ed as a mascot. Ed can play ball. Ed moves in with Jack. Ed annoys Jack. Jack turns down a date with cute neighbor, refusing her until he's a better pitcher. Ed uses Jack's bathroom. Everyone in this town is a moron. Ed eats like a slobbering toddler. Ed plays baseball. Ed becomes a star. Jack becomes a better pitcher. Ed drives in fast motion. Ed and Jack sleep in the same bed. Little girl pimps her mom out to Jack. Ed farts, a lot. Ed gets kidnapped. Love interest gets strangely worked up over the Ednapping (her emotionally charged speech has probably scarred this actress forever). Ed gets electrocuted, but unfortunately not fatally. Ed is rescued, but ends up in a hospital. Really, a hospital. Not a vet clinic. Jack returns to play the championship game. Ed's baseball glove revives Ed from a coma. Really. Ed returns to inspire Jack to win the game, The End. Yeah, obviously this movie was made and marketed toward small children who wouldn't know -- or really care -- that the monkey's not real and that the story is pathetic and predictable. They just want gross exaggeration and an ape sticking its tongue out and giving plenty of raspberries. I just want the time spent watching this back in my life. Wait, that's not true. I'm glad I saw this. Some day, I tell my kids that their old man actually watched the worst movie Friends had to offer... and SURVIVED. And that will be a proud moment. And then I will be put in a home. |
| extras |
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Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?
Groovy Quotes
Jack: I am going to spank that monkey! DVD Review
If you liked this movie, try these:
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Justin's Rating: Ed: The Fifth Level of Hell
