2. The Guitar-Breaking Seduction scene in Black Belt Jones. Not enough people have seen this hysterical martial arts flick, but if you have, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Toward the end of the film, Black Belt is chasing around this woman on the beach, laughing together in this romantic romp. They start running around a hippie-looking guy, who is just sitting there, playing his guitar. For no reason whatsoever -- and this keeps me up at nights! -- they take the hippie's guitar, wave it around, and smash it to pieces against the ground. Then they go running away, laughing, leaving the poor hippie bewildered and hurt. Out of all the incomprehensible things I've seen on film, this one just boggles my mind. Did they have a vendetta against guitar players? Why? Why? Why?

3. Motive Overkill in The Patriot. I know a lot of people like this movie because it's "patriotic" (even though it's really not) and "moving" (well, it moved me to a different room that didn't have a TV). I'm guessing that the director was so threatened Braveheart's Gibson that he felt he had to give Patriot's Gibson an even greater reason to kick the British butts across country -- as if unjust taxes, religious intolerance and troop occupation weren't enough. So the bad guy doesn't just kill one or two close family members of Gibson to get him all stone cold and mad, oh no. The villain burns an entire town's worth of innocent people inside a flaming church. It was so over-the-top and ridiculous that I deemed this movie moment the one that could never be toppled by any revenge motivation factors in future films. "Well, you did kill my wife and baby girl -- that does sting -- but at least you didn't torch an entire village while they were all cooped up inside First Presbyterian down the road!"

4. The Go Ninja Rap from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. To get it out of the way, of COURSE this scene was a blatant attempt to cash in on some quick celebrity firepower. If you missed it -- and shame on you if you did -- the second Turtles movie had a scene where our green heroes battle some mutant bad guys in the middle of a club. Even though they burst in with weapons drawn, no one in this club seems particularly motivated to, gee, leave or something. Instead, they stick around to witness the fight, which in turn inspires Vanilla Ice on stage to begin an "impromptu" rap that features the lines "Go ninja, go ninja, go!" over and over. Can you watch this with anything less than laughing helplessly, trying to hold back the bile rising in your throat? Not only is it incredibly dumb, but it makes my mind boggle over the odds of this movie being made during an era (April through September, 1991) when the country actually thought Vanilla Ice was the height of gelled hair cool.

5. Billy's Babbling in Billy Madison. Granted, choosing dumb moments out of this film is like firing a bazooka into a barrel of trout, but out of any Adam Sandler scene, this one convinced me more than anything else that the man-child was to be feared and hated. During dinner, his arch-nemesis (all idiots have an arch-nemesis to call their own) makes faces at him, which Billy replies to with a thoughtful and philosophic slobbery babbling. It's the kind of thing that infants would look at and go, "He does not represent us." He's loud, obnoxious and annoying, and if I had magical powers to sow lips tightly together, rest assured that he would never have made a sound from this scene on.

6. The Alien Epilogue in A.I.. I'm not the curl-up-and-whimper type, generally, but that's the sort of defense mechanism I had to resort to in order to survive the final muddled half hour of the Kubrick/Spielburg opus of A.I.. Like an insane pizza that nobody would ever touch, the story kept piling on toppings such as alien archaeologists, cloned dead mothers, and a robotic ninny being the last remnant of humanity. It didn't make sense. It wasn't even parked anywhere in the zip code of making sense. Perhaps a bloody coup from disgruntled interns forced the filmmakers to tack on such an incomprehensible ending, but that's the only excuse I can think of.

7. Tatum's Demise in Scream. Okay, I can see how there's a large possibility of death when you're being chased by a serial killer, but you might as well die with dignity. Tatum's death is inexplicable in this film; trying to escape from a garage, she crawls through the doggy door. Then she can't get all the way through (curse you, Wonderbra!), the killer raises the door, and her neck gets broken. It's about the most stupid death you'll ever see. First of all, why she didn't just crawl back out instead of pushing forward is inexplicable. Then there's the fact that no modern garage door opener would support the weight of a body and continue to rise when resistance increases -- they have safety shut-offs for this sort of thing. But hey, Rose McGowan deserved a bit of come-uppance after Doom Generation, so it's all good.

8. The marine sergeant gone transvestite in Leprechaun 4: In Space. Nitpicking this film is an exercise in futility, because from the get-go, it's already about 9-point-five on the Bizarro Meter. Yet, as a homicidal leprechaun is running about willy nilly on a marine space ship, the filmmakers were so stumped for ideas on cool death sequences that they forced a formerly "tough" (quotes added for sarcasm emphasis) sergeant to dress up like a woman, wear makeup, and dance like a loon in the ship's disco. Yes, of course they had a disco. So ultimately, I'm stumped for a purpose to this scene, and it's quite disturbing to my psyche.

9. Prom dance number in She's All That. Now, I never went to prom, mostly because my school never had a prom. But I'm fairly sure that most teens at prom don't spend gobs of time beforehand learning some complex musical dance number to do en masse when the DJ calls for it. So excuse me while I scoff at these uber-rich L.A. snots doing a jig in unison for no apparent reason, other than that the choreographer on set wanted something to do. On top of all that, I cannot for the life of me figure out when these kids even had time to practice this dance, since they spent the previous hour or so being self-involved shallow materialistic dweebs.

10. Listening to Heather in The Blair Witch Project. Do an experiment. Watch this film (yes, again, but only for science) and jot down a list of all the instances where Heather showcases her bossy, shrill, and near-perfect streak of making wrong decisions. Sort of lost in the woods? Heather gets you more lost! Starting to freak out? Heather's patented bitch-o-matic machine overrides any problems or common sense! Under siege from an invisible enemy? Heather blindly charges right into the den of evil! I really can't understand why the two guys with her kept following her after day one, instead of doing what they knew they should: construct a crude altar and tie her down, then run for it while the Blair Witch consumes a particularly noisy meal.