Pathetic Superhero Movies

The Dirty Half-Dozen is a quick (and dirty) list of six items on certain strange movie-related topics, presented as a bite-sized, messy article. Yum!

Look! Up in the air! It's a bird... it's a plane... it's six incredibly crappy movies featuring superheroes!

1. Batman & Robin

Gah. I don't even know what to say about this that hasn't been said a million times over. This was simply the single worst big-budget superhero blowout ever committed to film. Big stars, big money, big sets, big ideas... and a thousand horrible decisions along the way. Bat-nipples? That's just the icing on this mud cake. There's Frost boobies, wince-inducing one-liners, Uma with gigantic eyebrows, Chris O'Donnell reminding us all over again why we don't like him, neon everywhere, no discernable plot, and ice skating. In a fair world, this would be indisputable evidence for the execution of Joel Schumacher.

2. Superman IV: The Quest For Peace

Some might argue that Superman III should be here as well, although there is a contigent (myself among them) that are partial to that episode of Supes. Nobody's defending the fourth Superman — #4 in any movie series is almost always drug-addict-wallowing-in-a-gutter — and nobody brought this up when they were elevating post-accident Christopher Reeves to the level of a minor Greek god. It's a painstakingly dumb movie that couples a childish wish for nuclear weapons (Superman should intervene in world politics and rid us of all of them!) with one of the most pitiful villains of the series: Nuclear Man, a super-strong guy who is only powerful when he's getting solar radiation. Nevermind the dozens of continuity errors sprinkled in — there's air in space, people — it just about killed the franchise, the same as Batman and Robin.

3. Fantastic Four (1994)

This Roger Corman-produced film is a near-legend in the bad movie pantheon (and yes, we will eventually review it, as soon as I pony up for a cheap copy on eBay). This was the superhero movie-that-wasn't-a-movie. Anticipation built during the production of this fairly popular Marvel superhero adaptation, but in the end, something went horribly wrong. It was made, but never released — not to theaters, not to home video, nowhere. It only exists in pirated copies (God bless the internet!), and the reasons why the movie was canned are varied and interesting, depending on which ones you listen to. What everyone can agree on is that the actual flick is drop-dead horrible, cheaply made and cheaply acted. So, of course, you should see it!

4. Catwoman

Originally I had the 1990 version of The Punisher here, but... nothing can really top Catwoman, can it? This movie's been blamed for everything from making small children go blind to vigilante rage against the filmmakers' families by roving mobs of ripped-off fans. Halle Barry is a disgrace as the latest incantation of Catwoman, and the script is full excuse for excommunication from all film archives. CGI whips and lame quotes gave no one a reason to do anything but point and laugh, and we shall follow suit.

5. Captain America

First of all, you have to feel sorry for The Cap'n; he's got a pretty sorry set of powers (somewhat strong, throws a shield). Who carries shields nowadays? Isn't that a bit inconvenient in the subway? Anyway, this 1991 version was a complete disaster, a boring bomb that did pretty much nothing interesting with the material and showcased a crapload of bad acting from here to eternity. I chomped through this on TV as a kid and, yeah, even back then it wasn't anything special. Soggy with milk, let's move on...

6. Supergirl

With Superman the big superhero hit of the early 80's, a spin-off wasn't shouted down (although, considering pretty much every superhero spin-off to date, it should've been). Thus, we got a clunky mess of a sort-of superhero, sort-of magical comedy featuring Superman's cousin and Faye Dunaway as the Wicked Witch of the West. Sure, Supergirl's kind of hot (and fills out those leotards much better than Reeve could wish for), but this is a long drudge of a plot that concerns itself with special crystals and magical nonsense. It's pretty funny, if you've been sniffing glue and need something to distract yourself from the itching concern that you should probably call poison control, but only to mock. A true box office bomb (made only $15 million against its $35 million budget), Supergirl would be history except for the millions of bored moviegoers that need to step on a lesser movie to make themselves feel good.