 80's Movie Siblings |
The Dirty Half-Dozen is a quick (and dirty) list of six items on certain strange movie-related topics, presented as a bite-sized, messy article. Yum!
Six wild-or-crazy siblings from the 80's, sent down to earth to torment and amuse our lead character!
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What you have to appreciate about Buddy is that he's the most gleefully horny character in movie history. There's no underlying angst or crudeness, just an understandable teenage impulse to explore the final frontier with the opposite sex. In a movie about crossing gender lines, to have a Buddy standing there, ready to explode in sexual one-mindedness, is anchoring. Also, scary. We also love the fact that Buddy's a good brother to Terri — he's not the typical mean sibling, but instead supports her, covers for her, and even teaches her how to walk, talk and adjust testicles like a guy.
"The male body needs sex at all times! It's a living hell!"
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Let's be honest: Ferris Bueller's Day Off would be a far, far lesser film without Jeanie. It makes sense that Ferris' only serious threat to his insane joyriding would be the cynical sneer of his older sister. She's a bad guy who's also a good guy — one of the four main teenagers — and gets her own spiffy theme song ("Shauna..."). Without her, Ferris would go from being unbelievable to laughable; he NEEDS someone to work against him, someone smarter than Rooney who sees through his slick charade and tries to call him on it. Despite her scorching case of herpes, we even cheer when she gets the (drug dealing) guy at the police station.
"There is an intruder - male, Caucasian, possibly armed, certainly weird - in my kitchen."
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He doesn't say much. No, that's not true; he doesn't say ANYTHING. Lane's little brother Badger speaks nary a word through the entire movie, but his presence cannot be denied. He walks to the beat of his own drummer, ravages cereal boxes for prizes, whips up his own working laser rifle, learns how to pick up trashy women and throw a massive soirée, and eventually constructs an actual space shuttle. Does it launch? Stay tuned after the credits to find out!
*silence*
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Not all of us are blessed with loving, protective older brothers, and Chet is Exhibit A. He's a jerkwad without a conscience, happy to do nothing more than extort his younger bro for money, and failing that, to threaten imminent bodily harm. Happily, because 80's movies believed in a strict code of karma, what Chet sowed, Chet reaped. A blizzard in his room and a transformation into a pile of poop? Guy got of lucky!
"You're stewed, buttwad!"
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He may be into the way cool fashion by sporting a headband, sweatpants and obvious socks (*cof*), but Brand is cool in our book for another reason. As the oldest Goonie, he doesn't get shoved back into the role of a bullying older brother or another parent-figure, but instead takes his own rightful place in the Goonie pantheon and stands there with pride. Way to ride a little girl's bike at 45mph, Brand!
"Actually, she's out at the market buying Pampers for all us kids."
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On the flip-side of Chet is Randy, the annoying little brother that you'd just rather roll your eyes at and leave for the wolves to devour on the way to school. It's a shame that his 200-pound snowsuit would prevent any serious fatality. Randy is as Randy does, and mostly gets a mention here for his completely gross "eating like a pig" scene at the dinner table. It's a wonder Ralphie didn't slip poison into his ear while he slept some night.
"Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf. I hate meatloaf."
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