Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"Grab him! And take him!"

1984 PG / Fantasy Adventure Directed by: Richard Fleischer Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tracey Walter, Olivia d'Abo

Tagline

The most powerful legend of all is back in a new adventure.

Summary Capsule

Conan is hoodwinked into going on a scavenger hunt for an evil queen. Virginity issues ensue.

Mutant Meter

Movie Store [proceeds go toward monthly MRFH upkeep]

Amazon.com: DVD | Amazon.com: Soundtrack

Justin's Rating: Oh Wilt and Arnold, when will you two arm wrestle and make up?
Justin's Review: "My name is Ah-nold, Ah-nold Schwarzenegger. You might know me from that little movie where I oh-so-cleverly quipped 'I'll be back' (ha ha! That still amuses my gut!) and the other movie where I became a mommy. But did you know that I have a dark and brutal past, where my muscles acted for me, instead of my loquacious mouth? It true! For once upon a time, I held aloft my sword of destiny (ha ha! That's what my wife calls… er, nevermind!) and was known throughout the land as CONAN THE BARBARIAN. Mighty warrior-king-thief-poet was I, a man so manly that you men out there shrivel in your undies to think of it. Now, I must go pay homage to my constituents!"

"This was such a sober and heartwarming scene that my wife and I fought over the remote, screaming with laughter and begging to see it 'just one more time'."

[He mutters something about it not being "a tumor" and leaves. Justin meekly enters.]

Is he gone? So sorry about that folks! Pooly saw him sitting on the side of the road near the office and gave him a pocket full of Toonies, and the next thing you know, Mr. California Governor is crashing on our couch, getting drunk and singing of his glory days.

It's ironic, too, because we were just in the middle of a Conan marathon here at MRFH HQ. Many of us were too young to know Schwarzenegger in his salad days as the barbaric fighter, but we now know that we are certainly old and mature enough to take this piece of classic Western filmmaking and MST3K the hell out of it.

In fact, I promise you that if you have a party or get-together and need to select a film that satisfies the requirements of being (a) cheesy, so that you and your friends can mock this and feel the surge of wit in your souls, and (b) be actually entertaining enough to keep your interest, Conan the Destroyer WILL not, CAN not let you down.

If you don't believe me, in the first fifteen minutes a very slobbery camel spits all over Conan, and Conan conks the animal on the noggin with his fist. This was such a sober and heartwarming scene that my wife and I fought over the remote, screaming with laughter and begging to see it "just one more time".

Robert E. Howard's creation of Conan back in the 1940's painted a fantasy world that was everything Tolkein was not — savage, dirty, rated-Mature-for-adults, and unrelenting. Many fans felt his works were watered down into a more kiddy-friendly Conan for the 1980's movie series, while some gave grudging respect to the attempt. Me? I thank any studio that put together all the film elements needed to showcase a number of actual adults making goofy, twisted faces and acting like that's perfectly normal.

Conan the Destroyer begins with Conan enlisted into the service of Evil Witch Queenie, who sends him on a quest with her daughter to find a rock, then a horn, then bring them back so daughter can be sacrificed to a very ugly god. Although she offers him no real proof, Conan does this because Evil Witch Queenie says she can resurrect his long-lost love (That sounds familiar...), and that's good enough for an hour and forty minutes of horseback riding and sly Schwarzenegger grins!

Feminists of the world, this be not the movie for ye. The princess is adequately hapless, in the style of pretty much all fantasy princesses dating back to Bambi. What? Bambi was a dude? That's sick! My childhood fantasies, ruined! Erm… ahem… Anyway, she's there, she wears skimpy clothing and very little undergarment support, and that is all you need know.

Aside from this odd couple, the questing party grows to include the princess' grim bodyguard Bombaata (you will get used to this name, as the princess wails it out every time she's in trouble: "Bombaaaataaaaaa!"), motorboat-humming wizard Akiro, comedy relief Malak, and shrieking Amazonian warrior Zula. They're all fun together, never so much as the scene where Conan gets really stinkin' drunk and tries to teach the princess swordplay. Seriously.

As for why it's a perfect party movie, Conan suffers from extreme bi-polar disorder, flip-flopping between opposites from start to end. Is it a fanciful kids' fantasy romp, or a dark tale of gods and virgin sacrifices? Is it a swift-moving tale, or padding screen time until the eventual climax? Is Conan almost naked, or does he wear pants and a shirt? Heck, in many spots the movie can't even decide whether it's night or day, and will flicker between the two depending on the shot. Really, all that matters is that there's more than enough unintentional silliness that will allow any viewer to throw in his or her verbal two cents, and some actually entertaining parts (such as Conan being spun around in circles looking like a confused lamb)… and it's goofy enough to pacify your hardcore movie buddies.

The entire state of California endorses this film, and so do I.

Why use a sword when you've got guns like these? Ah, the sex talk. Or, more appropriately, AHHH! THE SEX TALK!!!! Hey George.

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• The camel spitting on him, and Conan's reaction
• The Dreaming God looks cozy
• Ah, good ol' fashioned virgin human sacrifices… those take me back
• The spinning decapitated head
• Tails are the "in" accessories on Amazon warriors
• Akiro is good for a laugh every time he does magic and it sounds like he's having a hernia
• Conan being spun through the air
• Conan drunk is goofy fun!
• The sex talk! Oh, the agony of the sex talk!
• In the middle of a fierce battle, it's the perfect time to stop and put on a sword-twirling demonstration
• Getting Wilt Chamberlin, a basketball player who reportedly did the nasty with thousands of women, to guard a girl's virginity is… a great idea. Sure.
• André the Giant played the resurrected horned giant.
• Telephone poles are clearly visible behind Conan and the others as they gallop across the windswept plains of Yore, in the opening scene.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

No.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Some scenes were filmed in the same location and at the same time as scenes from Dune.

Writers Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway, who wrote the original story treatment for this movie, were deeply displeased by the final screenplay by Stanley Mann and the finished film, so they made their story into the graphic novel CONAN: THE HORN OF AZOTH, published in 1990, with art by Mike Docherty. The names of the characters were changed to untie the graphic novel from the movie: Dagoth became Azoth, Jehnna became Natari, Zula became Shumballa, Bombaata became Strabo, Toth-Amon became Rammon, and the characters of Queen Taramis and The Leader were combined into sorcerer Karanthes, father of Natari.

This was Wilt Chamberlain's first and only film role.

Olivia D'Abo was underage at the time of filming (17), which makes the sexual stuff a bit more creepy.

Groovy Quotes

Conan: I need you.
Akiro: I'm yours.

Princess: I suppose nothing hurts you.
Conan: Only pain.

Malak: A fine magician you are! Go back to juggling apples.

Jehnna: How do you attract a man? What I mean is, suppose you set your heart on somebody. What would you do to get him?
Zula: Grab him! And take him!

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Conan the Barbarian
• Red Sonja
• Dungeons & Dragons 2