Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"The wise and powerful Jabba has one more small condition: he demands you bring back the slime who kidnapped his little…punky muffin."

2008 PG / Scifi Action Directed by: Dave Filoni Starring: Matt Lanter, James Arnold Taylor, Ashley Eckstein

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Summary Capsule

Anakin, Obi-Wan and friends fight battle droids a lot. Also, Dooku.

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Al's Rating: Remember the last time they tried to bring Star Wars to television? Yeah.

Al's Review: So, um, I enjoyed The Clone Wars.

I know! I know! I’m sorry!

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Come back, please!

"Note to Lucas: The word ‘snippy’ should not be in my action hero’s vocabulary. Ever."

Listen, I feel really, really bad about it. It’s entirely the fault of people like me that this kind of meat scrap is culled from the bottom of the Lucas grinder and served up to the public year after year. I know. It’s a low-rent, mind-numbingly bad, occasionally offensive cash grab that I’m only helping to facilitate by telling anyone that I liked any part of it. …But I did.

I didn’t want to enjoy myself. The plot, for one, is hopelessly derivative, focusing on the further adventures of Anakin Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi during the three-year gap in between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. It’s been done before, most notably in the fun, frenetic Genndy Tartakovsky “Clone Wars” cartoons from 2003, and the dark, powerful, and almost uniformly excellent Dark Horse comic series that ran between 2002 and 2005. This story centers on Anakin and Obi Wan’s quest to rescue Jabba the Hutt’s infant son so the Republic can gain access to the Outer Rim hyperspace routes under his control. The Huttlet has been captured secretly by Count Dooku and his pupil Asajj Ventress in an attempt to frame the Jedi, so we can be guaranteed an umpteen number of lightsaber battles before the credits roll.

The story’s three parts break neatly into episodes that will doubtless be aired for free in two months at the start of the “Clone Wars” cartoon show this fall, and each focuses on a specific battle that will take up the majority of its segment. Like a video game, each part gets an exposition scene telling us where they have to get to, how they ought to get there, and who is likely to get in the way. The rest of each setpiece consists of them fighting their way through hordes of enemies, encountering some form of ‘boss battle’ at the end, and then accomplishing their objective.

Of course, The Clone Wars isn’t just here to create Playstation plots and get the kids geared up for the show, it also needs to allow for as many happy meal toys as possible, so we’re given some new characters. The most prominent is Anakin’s irritating new padawan, Ahsoka. She’s a hyperactive little Robin to Anakin’s Batman, designed for the preteen demographic to latch onto and buy action figures of. She looks ten and talks like she became a Jedi by way of the San Fernando Valley. Among other offenses, she nicknames Anakin “Sky Guy,” which he responds to by calling her “Snips,” since she’s so snippy. Note to Lucas: The word ‘snippy’ should not be in my action hero’s vocabulary. Ever. My only consolation may be the knowledge that she will be murdered by the end of Episode III.

Then again, Ahsoka may as well be Han Solo compared to The Clone Wars’ other major introduction to the series, Ziro the Flaming Homosexual Hutt. Okay, so I added a bit there, but only so we can be absolutely clear on what Lucas was going for in this character. Ziro is Jabba the Hutt’s uncle and in charge of the underworld on Coruscant. He wears pink feathers on his head; chunky, gold rings on his fingers; and speaks like Truman Capote. Yup. Not only does he speak perfect English, but it’s a high, Southern voice delivered with a lisp that has all the subtlety of a frilly, rainbow-colored anvil. I’ve often thought the ‘offensive’ accents that Star Wars gets accused of — lazy, buffoonish Jar Jar as Caribbean or stingy, haggling Watto as Jewish or Arab — have been blown way out of proportion. It never bugged me or even entered my mind that they sounded like an ethnic group from planet Earth. But Ziro—Ziro is something that so blatantly exploits a stereotype that I can’t help feeling offended as a person and embarrassed for the movie.

The CGI animation is anime-based, giving everyone a distended, goofy look that will likely appeal to kids and kids alone. All of the truly interesting ideas brought up elsewhere in the Expanded Universe about political intrigue and the ramifications of turning the Jedi from philosopher/protectors into military generals are forgotten in favor of swinging lightsabers and merchandisable accessories. And, naturally, the creeping grip of the Dark Side that should be building up inside Anakin is totally absent so he can appeal to as many kids as possible and sell as many action figures as he can. I hate all these things. In fact, I hate everything about the purpose, production, and release of Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

And yet I enjoyed it. I guess deep down inside, maybe next to that instinct to club a woman over the head and drag her into a cave, part of me enjoys watching battle droids chattering like The Three Stooges and AT-TEs ascending mountain ledges amid a rain of blaster bolts. There’s no politics, no gravitas, no pretentions about providing anything beyond lightsabers, lightsabers, lightsabers. It’s like the Dragonball Z of the Star Wars universe: mindless, pointless and a whole lot of fun if you can let yourself go.

So, in conclusion, I would like to reiterate: I’m sorry. For all its faults (and there are many, many more than even what I’ve listed here), I can’t pretend that I walked out of the theater spitting vitriol at The Clone Wars. It’s neither a movie I can recommend, nor one I can righteously condemn. I will say that it is maybe the best example of what’s wrong with George Lucas and what’s wrong with Hollywood, but, by extension, doesn’t that make me a prime example of what’s wrong with audiences? They shoveled this tripe down our throats long enough that we’ve just learned to say “Yeah, its good enough.” As for me, it’s entirely possible that I’ve been seduced by the dark side of this franchise; that I’m more machine now than man. Twisted and evil. So, I’ll tell you: please don’t listen to those positive-sounding paragraphs above. Please don’t see this movie. Once you start down this path, forever will it dominate your destiny.

There’s a new face to evil in the Star Wars universe! Is it behind Door #1? Door #2? Or Door #3?

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• No opening scroll and no John Williams music? Weak.
• Are they fighting a blue, Scottish walrus in the opening battle?
• R2-D2 has a girlfriend?
• Punky Muffin? Ugh.
• A clone trooper Wilhelm Screams at the monastery?
• R2's jet rockets are way more powerful than I would have thought.
• Anakin and Ahsoka are flying a B-Wing when they escape from Teth?
• Asajj can lock her lightsabers together and form a staff?
• No one says “I have a bad feeling about this.” This was easy fanservice, guys. Bad form.
• I’m not sure if James A. Taylor did a great Ewan McGregor impression or a great Alec Guinness impression, but I applaud it nonetheless.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Nope.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Anakin is shown here already sporting the facial scar we see in Episode III. Official continuity states he received the scar from Asajj Ventress approximately thirty months after the Battle of Geonosis (Episode II). According to the opening voiceover, however, the movie is supposed to take place ‘soon after’ the Battle of Geonosis. [Doug] Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder! [/Doug]

Groovy Quotes

Captain Rex: Who’s the youngling?
Ahsoka: I’m Master Skywalker’s padawan. The name’s Ahsoka Tano.
Captain Rex: Sir, I thought you said you’d never have a padawan.
Anakin: There’s been a mix-up. The youngling isn’t with me.
Ahsoka: Stop calling me that! You’re stuck with me, Sky Guy.

Ahsoka: So what’s the plan?
Anakin: I thought you were the one with the plan.
Ahsoka: Nope. I’m the one with enthusiasm. You’re the one with experience which I’m looking forward to learning from.

Anakin: You’re reckless, little one. You never would have made it as Obi Wan’s padawan. But you might just make it as mine.

Jabba’s Protocol Droid: The wise and powerful Jabba has one more small condition: he demands you bring back the slime who kidnapped his little… punky muffin.

Battle Droid #1: Concentrate fire on sector 113274265!
Battle Droid #2: Sector 1132—what was that again?
Battle Droid #1: Just fire right there!

Asajj Ventress: Master Kenobi, always chasing after Skywalker. How predictable.
Obi Wan: Anakin leaves quite a mess — which always leads me to you, Ventress.

Ahsoka: Master Kenboi’s here. Now we’ll see some real fireworks!
Anakin: And what do you call what I’ve been doing all day?
Ahsoka: I dunno. The word ‘reckless’ comes to mind.

Ahsoka: You’ve got that ‘We’re in trouble’ look.
Anakin: There’s a look?

DVD Review

content

Soundtrack Review

A Star Wars product with no John Williams music? Laaaaaaaaaaaame.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003 miniseries)
• Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
• The Star Wars Holiday Special