 A Farewell To Clare |
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Justin: Over the years of knowing Clare, three of her personality traits have left an unscrubbable mark on my mind. First, Clare is passionate; when she cares about something, she really, really cares about it. Second, Clare takes no prisoners when it comes to foolhearty movies that the rest of us meekly suffer through; case in point, Glitter, Gigli, or even Matrix Revolutions. And finally, underneath any perceived bluster, Clare has a great heart full of compassion and sensitivity. When she wrote her reviews for the two Paradise Lost movies, it was both profoundly uncomfortable and touching to read her feelings on a movie that obviously impacted her so greatly.
As most of you realize, MRFH isn't just a site where complete strangers throw together reviews without any interpersonal contact. We may have begun as strangers, but quickly we've all become friends and family to each other. Clare loved to stay in contact with all of us through numerous e-mails (mostly full of semi-nude John Cusack photos and her oiled-up naked fantasy men), and to have her support me as a friend meant a lot — she's a loyal lady.
Obviously, we're going to miss Clare. She wasn't afraid to speak her mind or forge new paths when it came to ideas for features, and that made for a great contribution to the site. Fare-thee-well, Clare!
PoolMan: When I started at the MRFH, it was a hobby. As much as I genuinely enjoyed doing it, it was just a hobby. Justin was just this stranger who lived in Colorado, Kyle was the only recognizable staffer still around today, and Kym was still just a recently deceased corpse. Things were different then. The feel was just... less personal. Fun, but strangely distant.
Of course, the staff grew, and with it so did my love of what this whole thing's all about. The people I wrote for and with gradually became more than just pen pals and "co-workers". When Justin and I finally met up for a fun filled week of snowed-in video viewing and bachelour style lazing around, we became friends in the truest form of the word. And as that friendship grew, so did my friendships with the other people that "work" for us. But probably nobody had more innately in common with me than Clare.
Mutant Clare (may she forever bear that title!) has become the little big sister I never had. She's a sensitive voice (if you can believe it) capable of saying such amazing things, and of listening to even more. She's a warm heart, a smart cookie, and a tough broad, all in one.
All my favourite memories of Clare, whether directly MRFH related or not, are of when she saw something she didn't like, stood up, and voiced her opinion. And most remarkably, unlike 99% of the rest of the general interweb population, she has the capacity to back up everything she says with a combination of well informed fact, stylish presentation, and brute force level persuasiveness. If Clare wants you to believe something, chances are good she can make you see it her way.
All the better, of course, for a career in movie reviewing. The Mutant Reviewers From Hell have never gotten more fan mail (or hate mail!) for any one person than Clare (except of course for maybe the time we Canadianized the main page... man, the anger STILL hangs over the office like a little black rain cloud). For better or worse, nobody's ever gotten a reaction like Clare has. The best part is that she enjoys the hate mail better than the fan mail; she'd rather be challenged that fawned over.
And ultimately, that's where she's ended up now. She's taken on so many challenges (and of such an enriching nature) that she's simply just gone that little bit beyond being able to keep up with us Mutant types anymore. She gave it one hell of a try, but there's so much going on in that busy life of hers, we couldn't possibly hope to hold her time forever. And so it finally comes to pass that after more than 80 reviews and God knows how many years, we finally bid our sad "see you later"s.
Clare, you're always going to be a part of what MRFH has become. Even your most flaming boots can't carry you completely away from the friends you've made here. Good luck in everything you do, and know that you're always welcome back, and always missed.
Hell. I miss you already.
Kyle: I never got to meet Clare in person, but it’s fair to say we never got along too well.
Okay, that’s not really the case at all. Clare was one of the best writers and film reviewers I’ve ever worked with in an online setting. When she wasn’t coining cool terminologies like “follicle freedom” she was tearing into movies like a ravished grizzly bear who smokes tears into a steak and garlic fries at a local steakhouse. It was always a sight to behold, when a Clare review was posted, and its just-a-mouse-click-away promise of intricate wordplay and a hearty display of either healthy enthusiasm or electrifying vitriol was always vindicated by the actual review.
Which, sad to say, is probably why we didn’t get along.
I’d constantly email Clare, asking “how can i write more like you?” and she’s reply, “first off, who are you, and use some ******* **** *** ***** capitals in your **** ***** emails and reviews, ***** **** piece of *******.” She’s a feisty one, Clare is (and always will be!).
But Clare was good enough to tutor me, and take me as a kind of pupil. She taught me all about poker, how to pierce some chick’s spine at a renaissance faire for $20, and the vagaries of Satan. For my birthdays, she baked me cakes in the shape of my favorite starlet’s boobs. She opened my eyes to the wonders of nature by telling her to meet her at a casino in Texas, then hired goons to rough me up and drop me in the middle of Death Valley with only my shoes, a black pair of boxer shorts, and a wooden puzzle box that had a tube of sunscreen inside if I could figure out how to open the damn thing (I never managed to).
When I finally staggered out of Death Valley into a roadside McDonalds, two weeks after being stranded there and having lost 35 pounds, Clare was sitting there at a booth. I staggered over, and managed to raspily ask her: “Why?”
“Because you always said you wanted a Jim Morrison experience,” Clare replied, “And just look at that tan!” Then she smiled. That’s just the way she is.
Clare will never be forgotten, by the staff or by the legions of Mutant readers who fell in love with Clare’s writing style and her love of intense film violence. As she goes up and on to better things, it’s left to us to wave, smile wisely and thoughtfully, then go back to our computers to re-read her reviews and try to understand the hints about the ultimate truth of human existence that Clare was seeding her reviews with. She’ll never be gone as long as we remember her. And, for the residents of Austin, she’ll literally never be gone: she’ll be the one in the movie theaters who will beat your ass if you so much as cough during the movie. Shut up, punk!
Bye, Clare. We love you.
Lissa: I probably don't have a lot to add, but one very, very important fact. Clare is the reason I even found the Mutant Reviewers from Hell. I'd just seen October Sky, and was really impressed with Chris Cooper. I googled him, and came up with Clare's "You Know, That Guy" article on him. Any site that had this much appreciation for a very fine actor HAD to be cool. So I putzed around and decided that yeah, I liked the site. So Clare is the reason I even started reading MRFH, much less became a MRFH reviewer.
Plus, yeah. Only Clare could pull off her version of the Matrix Revolutions review!
Drew: So you know that sort of numb feeling you get when you consciously know something is true, but your brain just can't quite process it? Hi, welcome to Clare Leaving MRFH. Population: Me. Clare, I don't even know what to say at this point. Do I try for humor and lament the loss of Texas representation — one of the only states with as much sheer, forceful love-it-or-leave-it personality as the Jerz? Or do I bag levity and stick with the obvious: that you've been an amazing presence on this site for, like, ever and will be missed like crazy? It's trite and cliched as all hell, I know... but saying anything else just wouldn't be honest.
So here goes: I was a faithful MRFH reader long before joining the staff, and in that time I read a LOT of old reviews. I can truthfully say (ass-kissing alert!) that I love everyone's style... but I have a particular soft spot for scathing, sardonic, piss-and-vinegar mockery of movies that deserve to be mocked; and my friend, there ain't nobody better. You never fail to crack me up, whether you're laying a verbal beatdown on The Doom Generation or just mildly creepily worshipping John Cusack and Jack Black, and your absence will cause severe drops in MRFH's supply of both estrogen and snark. Though I know how busy your life has been recently, please don't be a stranger; and in the meantime, I promise to increase my use of casual swearing in reviews by 18% and take even less crap from fools, in your honor. Because dammit, that's just the Clare way of doing things... and it will be sorely missed. Take care, you crazy (non-)moptop, you. And no stealing stuff on the way out!
Sue: Clare, while I haven't had the opportunity to get to know you as much as I'd have liked to, it's been a rare and wonderful pleasure to be able to read the terrific and consistent body of work you've added to MRFH. You are, have always been, and will always be a legend for the new and lesser mutants among us (meaning me) to look up to! Much joy, happiness and success with your future endeavors!
Clare's Mutant Bio
Clare (30) Currently residing in blisteringly hot Austin, Texas, Clare lives happily with the sexiest man she's ever fallen wildly in love with and married. When not working in corporate cubicle hell, Clare enjoys weekend sojourns to local establishments where she can often be found listening to loud music, drinking beer and occasionally playing really bad pool. She also enjoys planning and executing theme-based movie nights (a big screen viewing of Showgirls that included a customized drinking game, a raffle for glamorous prizes and a cake shaped like boobs was her most recent success). This past year Clare became a registered massage therapist, discovered the joys of running and cut off her giant mop of Sideshow Bob curls in a successful bid at follicle freedom.
- Forum Handle: MSCLARE
- Will Be Played In The Movie By: Joe Mama
- Current Favorite Movies: Team America: World Police, Run Ronnie Run, Kill Bill
- Current Favorite TV Shows: The Shield, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, The World Series of Poker
- All-Time Favorite Book: The Little Prince
- Current Favorite Video Games: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
- Hobbies: Clogging, Spine Piercing, Satan
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