Why Clare Loves Jeremy Piven and You Should Too

I heart you!

So I've written long, ass-kissy articles in the past for this website about why I love Jon Favreau, Jack Black and Vincent D'Onofrio and you should too. And every time I read them I am embarrassed that I wrote what basically amounts to a much longer version of one of those signs the braces-clad, hysterical, crying girls who stand outside the TRL studios in the pouring rain hold up, declaring in multi-colored glitter to anyone passing by that they sit at home alone a lot dreaming about Justin Timberlake.

I really should learn to keep my appreciation of the actors that I admire on a more professional level. And I really should refrain from making public declarations of love for them because it's really just kind of creepy and sad. I'm a happily married woman with a career, lots of friends, a nice house and a stable upbringing. To behave so crassly is to create a false impression of who I am and where my interests lie when it comes to my love of movies and of film actors in general. Having said that...

I'm totally in love with Jeremy Piven. Totally. Like, I want to have a million of his babies. If I were still in middle school, I'd put his pictures up all over the inside of my locker and wile away my hours in study hall writing my first name and his last name over and over again while sighing heavily to myself as I dream of the day we meet and I die instantly of mortified hysterical insanity.

No but really.

I first remember actively knowing Jeremy Piven's name after seeing Say Anything and deciding that it was, and possibly still is, the best coming of age romantic comedy ever made. He's the "You must chill!" guy. What I didn't know at the time, of course, is that Jeremy Piven has been acting since he was 8. His parents run a highly respected theater company in Chicago and he's been good friends with John Cusack since they were kids.

"Clare loves me. Really."

More than that, as he would go on to prove to me countless times, he's one of the best actors working in movies today but for some god forsaken reason he hasn't found material yet that really showcases what he's capable of. He's appeared in 53 movies and has been on a pile of TV shows (including the short-lived, extremely underrated series he also produced called "Cupid") since 1986. More often than not, he's cast as the affable best friend of the leading man (and many times, John Cusack has played that leading man) or he's been relegated to bit parts or put in charge of the arch of a film's sub-plot or secondary story line.

At this point, I've gone from being disappointed for him to being pissed that no one's been smart enough to write a script with him in mind as the lead. He can do broad, wacky, physical comedy. He can play sleaze bag jerkweeds. He can steal scenes from actors who have been around a lot longer than he has. He can do action adventure stuff that requires a strong physical presence And he can do serious, subtle, fully controlled dramatic stuff. Put all that together and the fact of the matter is that he has huge range, huge talent and huge box office potential. In reality though, unless something changes soon, his blip in the Hollywood history books is going to most likely dwell in "wacky neighbor" land. Which sincerely saddens me.

Not that he's never done anything that I hated. I'm still really unhappy that he showed up in Rush Hour 2 playing the worst mocking parody of an effeminate gay man I've seen in decades. In this day and age, and for a guy who has as much raw talent as he does, lowering yourself to that level of hateful crap is almost unforgivable. And while we're talking about hateful crap, Very Bad Things squandered oodles of amazing talent not the least of which was Piven's. I won't devote another line to Very Bad Things. The long and short of it is that it was horrible and he should have done everything in his power to avoid having his name associated with it in any capacity.

Back to my happy place. Like all of the other actors I've written drooling love letters to on this site, Jeremy Piven is unconventionally handsome. But for my money, he's insanely good looking. And is only made more attractive by the fact that he's also extremely charismatic, quick witted, talented and hilarious. If I were queen of all things, I'd levy a tax on everyone in the world that would pay for an annual supply of scripts for Jeremy Piven to peruse and participate in at his leisure. Ben Affleck would be made to fetch him coffee and rub his feet. Vin Diesel would scramble around collecting his dry cleaning and taking his phone messages. And he would of course come over to my house (okay, my palace) and hang out and play Tekken and drink beer with me any time I wanted him to. Oh, and let me have a million of his babies.