Buffy Season 8

Recently, Justin called all his capering little monkeys together and said, "Minions, we're going to do a Joss Whedon theme week." To which I replied, "Hey, sounds like fun. Enjoy that." He said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Well, I didn't watch Buffy or Firefly and I've never seen Serenity. The only thing of Whedon's I follow is Astonishing X-Men, which frankly has been treading water lately." Justin pointed out, "Well, comic book guy, didn't they just start publishing Season 8 of Buffy as a comic? Why don't you review that?" I responded, "Because there've only been 3 or 4 issues so far, plus I would have no idea what's going on, and-" At which point he said, "Have it to me by Friday."

So. Here we are.

Before I get hordes of emails from crazed Whedonites, I guess I should explain my apathy toward all things Buffy. I don't hate the actors or the writing; it's simply that one of my roommates in college, among other quirks, was obsessed with Buffy. Not in the completely natural way I obsess over The Simpsons… more along the lines of having Sarah Michelle Gellar's "Got Milk?" ad framed, sitting on his desk. Or keeping every single episode of the show's (then) two seasons in constant rotation on my VCR. Coming home from class? Look, it's Buffy. Some friends and I want to get our GoldenEye on? He'll play, but only after Buffy is over. I've never quite gotten over that year of amateur aversion therapy, in much the same way you'd probably dislike Lord of the Rings if you first watched Fellowship while having your prostate checked. Still, I respect the fact that so many others adore it, so I'll try to use the background knowledge I absorbed freshman year to do justice to Season 8.

If nothing else, it's an interesting experiment… this is the first time a TV show has been "officially" continued by the show's creator in comic format. For those not in the know, the average comic book, minus ads, runs 22 pages; the average hour-long TV show is 44 minutes without commercials. In theory that means every page of a Buffy issue should encompass a full two minutes of TV, which is a tall order. I'd say you're better off considering each story arc as one extra-long episode or a two-parter and leaving it at that. For today, we'll be looking at the first storyline, The Long Way Home, encompassing the book's first four issues and written by Joss himself. (No, I will not capitalize that "h." Stop asking.)

Buffy, having exhausted the world's supply of vampires, decides to tangle with Godzilla. Good luck with that.

Issue #1: The Long Way Home, Part 1

We kick things off with Buffy leading a whole mess of Slayers into battle. From my year-long immersion in the show, I always thought there was only one at a time, or two if someone was a little slow with the ol' CPR. But what do I know? Anyway, Buffy's internal monologue confirms that there's now 1800 worldwide, including two other chicks posing as her, which definitely sounds like the safest job in the world. Hope they get dental.

Meanwhile, Xander is coordinating raids from a high-tech headquarters, and completely ruins my fun by comparing himself to Nick Fury before I have a chance to. Ass. Back at the action, Buffy's team storms da castle and bursts in on… not vampires. Buh? They make short work of the big green nasties — Buffy mentions feeling weird about using a crucifix to kill someone, prompting her teammate to make the obvious remark. Said teammate's Scottish accent makes me think of Wolfsbane, which in turn reminds me of how much Buffy borrows from Kitty Pryde, so now I am a happy comic geek.

But all is not kosher, as the team is being secretly observed by Suspicious Military Guys (TM) who suspect Buffy of establishing terrorist cells, describing her as "Charismatic, uncompromising, and completely destructive." They leave out "Also, really hot," though I guess it's implicit. Either way, through them we discover that Sunnydale is now a smoldering crater being excavated by either scientists or beekeepers, it's hard to tell which. They get attacked immediately, so it's probably not important.

Back at HQ, Buffy describes Xander as a Watcher while they analyze a weird symbol found at the raid. This makes me wonder what happened to his eye, and also where Giles is, but I guess that's the price you pay for taking 5 seasons off. Backstory tells us that Willow is MIA and that Nona Mecklenberg, Kreb Scout extraordinaire, has done got herself gianted. Yeah, I just made that word up. Wanna fight about it? Anyway, Dawn whines, blah blah, Buffy whines internally, but with a phrase — "great muppety Odin" — that I think should be mandatory for every conversation, ever. She calls herself "Summers," which I take as an X-Men reference for two seconds before remembering it's actually her last name. In related news, I am dumb.

And returning to the military base, we learn that the only other survivor of Sunnydale has been kept alive magically by a cheese-lusting psycho who wants to help the gub'mint kill Buffy. And that her name is Amy, which looks to be the big cliffhanger of the issue and probably would be for anyone but me. Alas, I can but soldier on and hope all will be made clear in time.

The first time I looked at this I thought, "Sweet, Nick Fury's in the house!" But issue 1 showed me it's really Xander, so… meh.

Issue #2: The Long Way Home, Part 2

Where's the werewolf anyway, I liked him. Off doing Robot Chicken, I guess. Never mind that, Giles is back! He immediately launches into his favorite, most challenging hobby — lowering the self-esteem of teenage girls — by berating some Slayers. This segues into Buffy training her own team, which in turn gives way to some random dude giving advice to… wiccans? Maybe. One asks why they don't use guns on demons, which reminds me of that scene from Vampire$ where the team realizes, after centuries of battling vamps with crossbows, that… well, yeah, guns probably would work better. But dude shoots down her idea, so oh well.

Meanwhile, Dawn is still doing her Gulliver thing. I forgot to mention that Buffy suspects this is because she slept with some guy named Kenny, a thricewise or sixpence or something. Between that and, as I recall, Angel turning evil after relieving Buff of her own virginity, this show really promotes some healthy, progressive views on female sexuality. Remember, girls — sex equals death. And getting too big to fit into your prom dress. Elsewhere, government stooges discuss Amy's planned assassination of Buffy, and one of them instantly wins my favor by correcting the other's grammar. (It's "hanged," not "hung.") But then we see that he's got that weird symbol scratched into his grossly hairy chest, so that's no good.

Returning to HQ, Buffy and Xander discuss his idea that Dawn subconsciously made herself big to get Buffy's attention. My alternate theory is that she made a wish to Zoltar, but what do I know? Buffy asks Xander if he's coming to bed, the context suggesting this would be something new for everyone, not just me. But it turns out to be a nightmare initiated by Amy, who in the real world is about to give Buff a free gastric bypass, sans anesthesia. Xander and his Angels bust in and stop her, but Amy gloats that Sleeping Buffy can only be awoken by true love's kiss. And since the only comic Prince Charming appears in is published by a different company, I'd say she's kinda screwed.

While this is happening, an army of the living dead scales the castle walls and attacks the newbie Slayers. Nothing against zombies, but it's been two issues and I haven't seen a single vampire in the increasingly inaccurately-named Buffy the Vampire Slayer comic, so Joss, I want my money back. As the Slayers find themselves overwhelmed, Amy gloats about having the upper hand. But in the nick of time, out of the sky floats what looks to be my secret girlfriend, Alyson Hannigan! Or an extra from Riverdance. Could go either way.

Hey, I know her! She's that chick who shoved a trumpet up Jason Biggs's ass. We're saved!

Issue #3: The Long Way Home, Part 3

In the dreamworld, Buffy is accosted by, and threatens to vomit at the sight of, Ethan Rayne. I'm getting tired of this… how dare they have kept adding characters during the last five seasons? That's a sign of sloppy writing. But Ethan shows Buffy a corner of her mind inhabited by people even *I* recognize — namely herself dressed in a nurse's uniform, chained (literally) between a very naked Angel and an equally naked Spike. At that, we'll take five while every female and gay male Buffy fan goes to change their underwear and reconvene later.

All set? Good. (Actually, no… I can't leave it at that. The background imagery shows two locomotives, each about to enter a tunnel through a mountain from opposite ends. Uh… Buffy? What exactly are we to read into that, dear?) Never mind, in the real world we join a fight already in progress, as Amy taunts Willow for having once nearly 86ed the planet but now being unable to bring the pain, magic-style. Will takes control of the zombie army and turns them into polite, dancing gentlemen (trust a lesbian), but Amy in turn digitizes her. Is this an unauthorized Tron crossover? Ethan and Buffy hop into Amy's own dreamstate to poke around, while back at the fight, Dawn proves she's neither green nor jolly by reenacting Bambi Meets Godzilla with Amy. Ho ho ho.

With the Worst Witch out of commission, Willow, Xander, and the Slayerettes set to work waking Buffy, which consists of: someone in the room loves her, so everyone has to close their eyes and the doomed — I mean, lucky party will plant one on her. Which they do (no, we don't see who totally Xander it is), causing her to bolt upright and notice her best friend is back. Yay! Over in NobodyCaresland, Giles meets with a Rancor to discuss, I don't know, killing Jedi, and wiccan teacher guy sits in on a wicked game of strip poker yet seems entirely uninterested. Between him and Xander, how exactly does one volunteer for these mentor to nubile young women positions? I'm feeling civic-minded.

With Amy mystically trussed up in the basement, the three surviving Scoobies (see, I know the lingo!) reconnect and compare notes. One of them is still getting some action (hint: it's the hot lesbian redhead), the others not so much, but that may become moot as Amy activates her failsafe and sucks herself and Willow through a portal. When Will comes to, the tables are turned as she's bound to a table and threatened by Amy and yet another new person, some creepy guy with no skin. Didn't there used to be, like, six characters on this show? Those were simpler times. Better times.

And that's it for issue 3. Hey, look — no vampires. Surprise!

There have to be some advantages to dating a girl who's 40 feet tall, but damned if I can think of any. Emasculation sense… tingling!

Issue #4: The Long Way Home, Part 4

Here we go, the last part of our introductory story. Win me over, Joss. We start with the classic phrase "Bored now," which even *I* recognize (though I always thought it was kinda lame, personally). Willow doesn't, though, as No Skin taunts her with it, monologuing that Amy saved his life after Willow flayed him by giving him magic (presumably invisible) skin. Then he starts getting all Clockwork Orange on her eyes. Yikes.

Back at base, Dawn punches a stone casement in frustration, prompting Buffy to remind her that she's not as proportionally strong as she is tall. Presumably not as heavy either, or her hips would snap under all that weight, but that's comic book science for you. She makes Buffy promise to retrieve Willow safely because "[she's] like a Mom to me." An occasionally psychotic absentee mother, but who's counting? The great god Plot Device (all praise be to him) decrees that Buffy's team can reopen the portal, but only two can go through. Personally I would choose Hellboy, but Buffy instead selects… Satsu, who I was all set to at least pretend to know until I realized she was a completely new character. She gets her sword, Buffy disappoints me by grabbing an axe instead of Mr. Pointy (whose name once won me a game of Trivial Pursuit, woohoo!), and an obvious clue suggests that Satsu was the one whose kiss awoke Buffy last issue. Kinky!

Willow's torture continues, but her mind is pulled out of it by a mystical council of spirits who resemble the Parliament of Trees from Alan Moore's Swamp Thing run. They very helpfully tell her she's about to be lobotomized, while the military guys (forgot about them, didn't you?) set up a giant gun to blast where the portal's going to appear. But those sneaky Scoobies, they put a mirror in place so that as soon as they open the portal and G.I. Joe fires, the energy gets blasted right back. It's cooler than it probably sounds and Xander gets a decent quip, but whatever… with the gun destroyed, Buffy and Satsu break on through to the other side. They lay into the soldiers like Daredevil beating up ninjas, then come face-to-face(-to-face?) with Amy. In a surprise move, Buffy demonstrates that she learned a little magic from Willow by making herself appear as Amy's mother, who presumably used to terrorize her daughter with horrendous 80s housewife hair. The distraction is just enough for Satsu to toss a handy grenade her way, and it's buh-bye witch.

But not really, as Amy teleports away from the explosion, grabs No Skin and makes a clean getaway. Buffy and Satsu free Willow, who somewhat lessens the drama of her torture in my mind by instantly healing herself. And also makes me wonder why Xander is still missing an eye if she can do that, but oh well. On the way out they discover that Ethan Rayne has just been killed by the military leader. The general delivers what I can only assume is the standard speech about how Buffy is as evil as the monsters she fights and that his group will stop her, causing "bored now" to apply to me too. I think he also says something about Bruce Banner not being allowed to marry his daughter, but whatever. He finishes by proclaiming that Buffy is at war with the whole human race, prompting her to no doubt deliver a sneer and a witty jibe, right? You'd think, but actually the best she can muster is a surprised "Oh," followed by a resolved "'Kay." Huh? I take it back — she's no Kitty Pryde.

And there you have it, folks: the first storyline of Season 8 as seen from an outsider's perspective. So what did I think? Well, I'll admit to being pleasantly surprised — while I'm sure an actual fan would have gotten more out of the returning characters and situations, I found things relatively easy to follow. As expected, Joss's dialogue crackles… you can't go three pages without finding a quip or an emotional speech, and a good 80% of them work. I'd kill to be able to write different voices so seamlessly. The story was pretty basic, probably to get everyone back up to speed after the show's been off the air, but there were enough twists (mainly Dawn's situation) to entice people to keep reading. On the other hand, there were a couple of awkward moments where the transition between mediums was noticeable; in particular, the ending felt more anticlimactic than The Sopranos and probably would've worked better on television. But by and large the shift in formats was handled well, and comics certainly provide more creative freedom. (If nothing else, you can use any characters you want regardless of salary or availability… Whedon claims none of the actors even know Season 8 is being published.)

Finally, on a personal note, I have to admit that some of the "cool" lines are a lot less grating when read in comic format than when spoken by attractive twentysomethings pretending to be outcast teenagers. There, I said it. Happy? For anyone interested enough to pick up the series, issue 5 in August will bring a done-in-one story by Whedon, and issue 6 will see the second major arc begin. It's being written by Brian K. Vaughan, creator of Y: The Last Man and Runaways, two damn awesome comics, so rest assured it'll be good stuff. Hell, I may even check it out myself. And if that's not an incentive for you, I don't know what is.