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 1992 PG-13 / Comedy Horror Directed by: Starring: |
- Homework. Cheerleading practice. Killing vampires. No one said high school would be easy.
Summary Capsule
- A teen discovers that she's destined to battle the forces of vampiredom in her California community.
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Justin's Rating: It's woofalicious
Justin's Review: For a long, long time, this film held the "Most Goshawful Film Ever Made" spot on the dusty shelves of my mind. Ironic thing was, I never got through half of it before hating it fully. My mind could not come to grips that a film like this would have ever been made. A vampire film. Set in the Valley. Starring a girl with the porno-ish name "Buffy". And that 90210 Luke Perry's also in it. So... much... badness... so much film time. Except if you're looking at it through relativity's glasses, where two hours with a movie like Aliens is like a minute, and a minute with Buffy is as close to Hell as mere mortals can withstand. You may think you're starting to get the idea of the depth of loathing I held for this movie, but you really have no idea.
So a little part of my mind thought that maybe I should give the Buffy movie a second chance. Perhaps I was wrong entirely, that my taste buds had not corroded to the level of putricity that they are at today. So I went to my local video store, plopped a copy of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on the counter (having to state again, "I like the show, okay?" to the clerk), and revisited my worst nightmare.
In retrospect, it wasn't too bad. So long as I was fully occupying myself with fighting off the hordes of Mutant Squirrels that escaped their laboratory that evening (PoolMan's getting docked pay for that). When I actually watched the movie, I realized that it was, in fact, a pretty bad film. If you feel compelled to rent Buffy, I suggest you watch the first five minutes (the cheerleader scene to dance music is about as cool as this film gets) then hit yourself on the head with a tack hammer or something else to induce unconsciousness. This movie is infused with stink, and I'd hate to see you go through the same level of pain I did.
The Valley Girl thing is cute when done in moderate self-mocking proportions (like Clueless), but in Buffy you just want to drill through your eardrums to drown out moronic chicks blabbing about clothing that was so, like, ten years ago! Buffy herself goes from ultra-annoying to somewhat-less-annoying by the end of the film, but she has no spark or pinache that Sarah Michelle Gellar brought to the role. However, the one plus of this movie is that Buffy IS Kristy Swanson, and she wears a lot of spandex.
This movie is a sore spot on the résumés of actors and actresses who have gone on to... other things, and it's somewhat fun to pick them out. You have Donald Sutherland as Buffy's Watcher, who just serves to look creepy for his entire role. David Arquette (Dewey from the Scream movies) looks mostly hung over, and Hilary Swank (of the Most Depressing Film Ever Made, Boys Don't Cry fame) gives me just another reason to dislike her.
Sure, I'm critical and heartless, but I honestly cannot understand why anyone, even in the cult movie circles, would have thought this neon-colored movie would be successful. Well, more so than a one-note joke, at least. It's a wonder the series ever got made at all. And now we leave you with a Public Service Announcement:
Got Buffy?
Sue's Rating: I wanted to rent Serenity doggone it!
Sue's Review: Let me be up front with ya'll. When the idea for Whedon Week was first bandied about amongst my fellow mutants, I knew I was in trouble. It's not that I'm totally unfamiliar with the work of Joss Whedon. I've caught a few episodes of Buffy, Angel and Firefly here and there, but when it comes to rabid fandom, I'm always a few steps behind the rest of the herd. Heck, I didn't discover the joy of Farscape until after it was cancelled, and my Star Wars obsession built over the course of twenty-odd years. Heck, in a decade or so, I'll probably get an itch to start writing Harry Potter fanfic. I must be the ultimate fandom procrastinator. So for all you Whedonites out there, please forgive an old woman her frailties.
Their copy of Serenity, she told me, had been damaged and they were waiting for a replacement. I sighed and said I'd have to go with Buffy, and in something resembling panic, she recommended that I rent Firefly instead. The whole series, preferably. Cause it's great. (I don't doubt it.) Besides it's not that long. I could do it in a day or two, she assured me.
Well, no I couldn't.
So I insisted on Buffy and she relented, but as she rang it up, she said as a sort of disclaimer, that it wasn't one of Whedon's best works. There was an implicit apology in her tone that bordered on frantic warning. Hmm. Oh well.
Anyway, I watched Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
What an absolutely frelling load of dren.
Now don't get yer pantaloons in a twist, folks. It's just that having seen a few of the television episodes, I guess I expected Buffy to be the sort of movie that, you know, you might want to make a spin-off from. This was just... well, let me put it to you this way. These are a few of the things I'd rather do than have to watch this movie again:
1. Sit in an escape pod with a nervous Hynerian.
2.Sing campfire songs over a warp core containment breech.
3. Give Jabba the Hutt a Swedish massage.
4. Take a 3,000 hour audio course in Parseltongue.
5. Shovel a Death Star sized pile of Bantha poo-doo.
6. Take a Quantum Leap into a plague victim.
7. Undergo the cruciatus curse. A lot.
8. Become possessed by a disposable Goa'uld underling.
9. Talk... like... Kirk... at... formal... dinner... parties...
10. Be fed to an all-powerful Sarlaac where I will find a new definition of pain and suffering as I am slowly digested over a thousand years.
I couldn't quite shake the conviction that if I turned off the sound, it would have been a far more enjoyable movie to watch. If I’d cared enough, I might even have tried doing exactly that. Buffy, the so-called heroine started off on such a self-indulgent, shallow and unsympathetic note that I couldn't ever make myself like her. At all. Ever. The acting across the board was wooden enough to drive through any bloodsucker's heart with fatal results. Donald Sutherland, you gave us Kieffer. You did not deserve this.
Accio antacids.
The good news, of course, is that as bad as the movie is, the concept was sound enough that the resulting television series were successful and interesting. I liked what I've seen on TV. I'm glad to know that good can come from bad. That somehow, some way, this travesty eventually gave us David Boreanaz. There's a lovely sort of balance to that.
Next time though, I'm going to listen to that nice movie store clerk.
 I vant... to hickey your neck!
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- Ben Affleck appears as a much-debated extra (a basketball player) — although he's uncredited, IMDb has long ago affirmed he was in this movie
- Buffy's last name is never mentioned in the movie. Not until the release of the series was she referred to as Buffy Summers.
- Okay, ancient mystics to modern pom-pom girls. Why did I feel more comfortable with the mystics?
- Ugliest team mascot ever.
- Interesting parking method with that motorcycle.
- There's a LOT of Pepsi in this movie!
Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?
During the end credits, there are TV interviews with people who were at the dance attacked by vampires. Amilyn revives to go through some more death throes.
Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]
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The writer of this movie, Joss Whedon, was disappointed with the way the Buffy movie turned out, due to studio tinkering with his original script (darker and more humorous, so the legend goes). Disgruntled, five years later he created, wrote, and sometimes directed the Buffy series on WB, this time nailing his vision perfectly, and ended up with a 7-year hit show. In the show, events from the movie are referenced, but only in referring to Joss' original script (where the school gym burns down, for example).
Seth Green, the only person in the movie to be in the spin-off show, was cut from the movie, but still appears on the video cover.
Groovy Quotes
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Benny: Her yabos scoff at gravity.
Buffy: Does the word "duh" mean anything to you?
Coach: OK people, they are psyching you out. Let's not be so defensive out there, OK? Now what do we say on the court, repeat after me; I am a person, I have the right to the ball.
Buffy: All I want to do is graduate from high school, move to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die. Now that might not sound to great to a sconehead like you, but I think it's swell. And now you show up and tell me I'm a member of the hairy mole club so you can THROW things at me? I don't THINK so.
Pike: Look! Air!
Buffy: Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador, like I'm ever going to Spain anyway.
Pike: Buffy, you're the guy. You're the chosen guy.
Buffy: And I choose to be shopping.
Amilyn: You ruined my new jacket! Kill him A LOT!
Buffy: My secret weapon is PMS.
[Amilyn has lost an arm]
Amilyn: We're immortal, Buffy. We can do anything.
Buffy: Oh yeah? Clap.
Buffy: Pike's not a name, it's a fish.
Coach: (holding chart): Now here's our key play. We're going to- uh- Are we the x's or the o's?
Newscaster: The apparent cause of death was a severe neck wound that resembled, in the words of one bystander, 'a really gross hickey'."
Buffy: My birthright? Is that like a trust fund or something?
Buffy: I can't believe I'm in a graveyard with a strange man, hunting for vampires on a school night.
Gary: Don't think of me as Gary Murray, administrator. No. Think of me as Gary Murray, party guy. Happenin' dude who can talk to the young. So tell me. It's uh... it's drugs isn't it?
Gary: I have detention slips here and I'm not afraid to use them.
Pike: Hey, I can keep talking until you strike me dead, or not. I prefer not.
Pike: Are you... calling me... a man?
Lothos: Honestly, I don't know how you made it through the crusades.
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This review page was last updated on 8.3.07
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