Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"I feel like I'm in a bad episode of Tales From The Crypt!"

1996 R / Comedy Horror Directed by: Gilbert Adler Starring: Dennis Miller, John Kassir, Erika Eleniak

Tagline

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Summary Capsule

Private eye infiltrates (to put it kindly) a vampire-themed bordello. Corey Feldman crashes the party.

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DVD | Soundtrack (Score)

Justin's Rating: Ha Ha! I got to a vampire movie before Rich or Alex!
Justin's Review: Other than vaguely being aware of the show to the point where I could catch any pop culture Crypt Keeper references, Tales From The Crypt just never held interest for me. It's on that same Elvira plane where bad horror and leftover comedy are swirled together in a hokum's swill... but pal, if you're gonna serve me that then I want a classy cherry on top, and you're all fresh out of those.

"Except for some curious and ignorant 8 year-old boys who filch this out of their parents' collections, nobody's going to be going 'Ooh! Vampire breasts in hokey outfits! I am sensually charged!' any time soon."

But since I see myself sometimes as a bloodhound, vigilantly sniffing out potential cult classics from piles of unsold Powder videos, I gave Bordello of Blood a whiff to see what was cooking. Yes, sometimes as a smellhound, I feel like I'm the not-so-bright-type, with a great big nose but horrible eyesight, stupidly running into walls over and over again looking for the doggy door leading to the big yard of movie biscuits.

Does that metaphor even make sense? Does it matter?

I only need two words to convey the plot of this film to you: Vampires, Whorehouse. Even the least imaginative of you must be able to throw those two elements together to correctly ascertain the entire "story" here. There's a brothel -- some sort of posh country club for women of loose ethics -- and it's full of topless vampires. Really, Shakespeare couldn't do more with this material. Before you (and by "you", I mean "Kyle" and "Rich") get all voo-voo-voo-voom over the thought of hundreds of high-spirited breasts free of the Braocracy, it's just nothing to get worked up about. Nudity en masse gets old, quick, and except for some curious and ignorant 8 year-old boys who filch this out of their parents' collections, nobody's going to be going "Ooh! Vampire breasts in hokey outfits! I am sensually charged!" any time soon.

As inspirational and full of literary value as a vamp bordello may be, it still received the royal treatment as the king of quips himself, Dennis Miller, came to alight upon this movie. Miller nails a different type of anti-hero, and he's actually pretty fun to watch. His dry barrages of intense vocabulary are a welcome oasis in this B-movie wasteland. It's strange to see Dennis Miller and say, "Hey, he's my hero!", but I can say that Bordello of Blood would be much less with the traditional stock horror movie protagonist.

Miller investigates the bordello on the behest of Erika Eleniak -- better known as "That naked girl who jumped out of a cake for Steven Segal in Under Siege" (yes, that's a long title, but since she's already printed up business cards we sort of have to keep it). Poor Corey Feldman is Erika's brother, becomes a vampire, and wears a skull nose stud. We'd feel sorrier for him, but this was probably the highlight of his year. Oh, how the Goonie has fallen.

Like one of those basement museums runs by a guy named Phil, Bordello of Blood has a handful of oddities to make the rest of this gory sludge worth the pickings. For instance, they have a scene that's there for nothing more than to show a creepy coroner tweaking a dead girl's nipples, then playing "choo choo train" on her stomach. Plus, Dennis Miller probably worked out any childhood issues by using a holy water-filled supersoaker to burn hundreds of vampire hookers. And where else are you going to get that? Huh? Your local junior high talent show? Well, not unless they're very creative.

So, perfect for that post-Thanksgiving dinner with the whole family, Bordello of Blood is that film we've been waiting for to draw us closer together.

Crypty becomes a lefty Corey and jewelry just don't mix "OWWWW! I feel good! I knew that I would now!"

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• I love the animatronics and inner monologue on the Crypt Keeper
• Is this movie a commercial for nose studs?
• The coroner playing "train" on the corpse
• The Star of David doesn't repel vampires as well as crosses
• WHOOPI? What? Huh? Ghuh?
• In a cemetery, there's a crypt with the name "Gaines" on it. William Gaines is the creator of the "Tales From The Crypt" comic books.
• The key used in this movie is the same one used in Demon Knight

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Okay, we're going with "no" on this one.

Groovy Quotes

Katherine: A whorehouse?
Rafe: A house inhabited by whores.

Lillith: Don't eat your heart out, baby -- that's MY job.

Rafe: You're reminding me why being married to you drove me to the brink of homosexuality.

Rafe: I'm here for the, um, Cunningham wake.
McCutheon: I'm afraid the wake is closed tonight. Come back tomorrow.
Rafe: I, uh, really must pay my respects right now.
McCutheon: Then I suggest you come back TOMORROW.
Rafe: Maybe you don't understand me. I'm feeling excruciatingly SAD.
McCutheon: I'm so sorry.
Rafe: And if I don't grieve right now -- maybe even grieve two or three times -- I'm going to go out of my mind, okay?
McCutheon: Then I suggest you go mourn somewhere in private -- with a box of tissues!

Rafe: I'm not going to tell you those aren't the Breasts of the Century, but I'm just not digging the owner, so why don't you put those away; you're just not my type.

Tamara: Guess where you just landed, lover?
Rafe: Larry Flynt's id?

Rafe: I feel like I'm in a bad episode of Tales From The Crypt!

Rafe: Nice place, Katherine. Kind of like Superman's dad's place on Krypton.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Demon Knight
• The Convent
• Evil Dead II