Mutant Reviewers from Hell do

1987 R / Slasher Horror Directed by: Jackie Kong Starring: Rick Burks, Carl Crew, Roger Dauer

Tagline

First they greet you, then they eat you!

Summary Capsule

Two brothers resurrect an ancient blood goddess the old fashion way - killing naked ladies.

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Nancy's Rating: Four out of five eyeballs that pop out of a human head.
Nancy's Review: Here's a short little list to describe why this is sooo my movie:

FIVE REASONS WHY, WITHOUT EVEN WATCHING IT, NANCY KNEW SHE LOVED THIS MOVIE

"This is THE movie to gather everyone you know around to watch."

(1) Catchy taglines ('First they greet you....then they eat you!' 'Food so good, it tastes just like Mom used to').

(2) It's a cheap horror movie.

(3) Lots of cheerleaders die.

(4) Ya know what I did on my birthday? My two favorite things. We went to a diner and then saw a zombie movie. Horror + diner = fun times for Nancy! Oh, and what's the name of this movie? BLOOD DINER!

(5) This is one of two movies the lead, Rick Burks, starred in before dying in a car accident at age 29. He was in a band and looked mighty attractive in younger pictures of him featuring guitars. I wish he was in more films so a real cult sensation could be started about this man, and his face would be on t-shirts galore.

So, using those five justifications for purchase, I bought this fine piece of cinema. I waited awhile to watch it, saying "I can't just watch Blood Diner alone! That would just be silly!", but when I finally sat down in my friends living room with two smoothies and eyes full of wonder, it was totally worth my five bucks. In fact, I would have paid $7.25. Why, you ask?

BECAUSE IT'S SO FREAKING NUTS!

Title indicates that "it's just a movies about cannibals with a restaurant". No! [takes deep breath] It's a movie about two brothers whose uncle worshiped the ancient goddess of blood and lust, Sheetar, and died before their eyes when they were just but wee lads, and so they make it their life goal to resurrect him/the ancient Sheetar, and apparently this can only be done by putting his eyeballs in a jar so he can talk to them (talk to them) (with his eyeballs) (what????) and killing loose ladies and assembling their body parts, and THEN finally... of course... killing a virgin. Who just happens to be the police chief's daughter. [panting] Did I mention there's an inexplicable puppet that just hangs around? Did I mention that I love it?

This is THE movie to gather everyone you know around to watch. "Hey guys, check out this completely f'ed up, incredibly gory piece of cinematic I-can't-believe-that-happened crap!" It's perfect. One brother (not Rick Burks, Carl Crew) is so bloodthirsty and crazy, a completely one-dimensional character with an evil grin who bites peoples legs. The other brother (this one's Burks) is faaaar more complex. Not only is he insane, but he's seductive too! Apparently he's got this irresistible twinkle in his eye. I didn't see it, but then again I spent two hours researching him online after I saw this piece of art, so whose to know what the twinkle in Rick Burks' eyes can do?

Why weren't any of the cheerleaders wearing shirts in that scene?

Why did she go back and get the crap that fell out of her person WHEN THERE WAS A SADISTIC KILLER IN HER PRESENCE?

These questions and much more not answered in Blood Diner!

The 80's loved their electricity drawn with cheap animation! It sticks to his hand like MAGIC! This is what happens when your town doesn't get cable TV.

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Eyeballs just pop out like that.
• The ending makes no sense. If you figure out a logical explanation for it, e-mail it to me and I will personally mail you one dollar.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

I wouldn't know, but if I didn't I would have never know who Rick Burks is, so sure!

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Supposedly a pseudo-sequel to 1963's Blood Feast.

This is one of two movies Rick Burks starred in. Why did I start an a miniature cult about him in my hometown? Because he is attractive, that's why. He was originally a musician in California, and music was his one true love. Cool slasher movies were a great thing to do with his friends, a way for him to earn extra income, not form a lasting impression on movie-watching Americans and make him mark on cinema. He appeared in Blood Diner and The Underachievers, but the drunk driving accident that took his life came when he was 29. A good-looking, kind-hearted (well, I assume) musician who appears in slasher movies for fun? What a genuinely cool character. Just a normal, good guy. If anyone deserves a devote fanbase, it's Mr. Rick Burks.

Soundtrack Review

If you love sketchball slasher movie music....well, you'll love this!

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Slumber Party Massacre
• April Fool's Day
• The Convent