Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"If I can't breathe like everyone else, then I'm gonna make everyone else breathe like me."

1995 R / Superhero Action Directed by: Jonathan Winfrey Starring: Joan Severance, Garrett Morris, Casey Siemaszko

Tagline

Justice has a nasty sting.

Summary Capsule

Vigilante police officer dresses up like a hooker to avenge her murdered pop.

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Justin's Rating: Even scorpions wear more clothes than she does...

Justin's Review: If the Superfriends taught us anything, it's that it's pretty standard that superheroes have to be somewhat evenly matched with a villain from the other side of the same dorky coin. If you have the power to grow really big, chances are there's an evil giantess out there gunning for you. If you can breathe underwater and talk to fish, you can be sure there's a madman who can SCUBA dive and chat with mollusks.

"Darcy takes it on herself to raid a few seedy stores in the red light district and create a costume persona that's one part Catwoman, one part car battery, and sixteen parts bosom."

So if you're a whip-wielding, leather-clad dominatrix with an overabundance of voltage on your person, who would your arch-nemesis be? If you said "an asthmatic in a clunky suit who runs an evil organization called B.R.E.A.T.H.", then not only are you correct, but I am officially disturbed about how your mind functions.

Despite how it may appear, Black Scorpion isn't just an uncomfortable fantasy where some nerdy adult with an inhaler constructed an elaborate imaginary setup where some semi-hot soccer mom would be chasing after him for "punishment". It is that, but it's also a Roger Corman superhero movie, so the nerdcore porn and the Fantastic Four camp are two sides of the same disgusting coin.

The Black Scorpion is not-so-mild mannered Darcy Walker, a cop who works at Generic P.D., one of those places where all the officers get simmering love interests for partners and where the police captain is overweight and likes to yell a lot. After her ex-cop father is shot for very little reason - and none of the other police officers seem to care - Darcy takes it on herself to raid a few seedy stores in the red light district and create a costume persona that's one part Catwoman, one part car battery, and sixteen parts bosom. Secret identity firmly in tow, B.S. stalks around town unleashing cans of martial arts madness on the bad guys, because making a suit also gave her - for some reason - TaeKwonDo skills. We're quite amazed she can fight like this in high heels.

Her partner in vigilantism is a car-jacker named Argyle, who is not only bald, but perhaps two feet tall. Argyle tricks out Darcy's car with the usual Speed Racer accessories - oil slick, spinning rim razors, dashboard hula girl - as well as giving it a special option to morph from a red corvette to an ugly black sports car. Morphing: much beloved in the 90's as a special effect, and so very, very overused.

As we clunk through the movie, lurching from scene to scene like a three-legged zebra amidst a pride of hungry lions, the B.S. is piled on thicker and thicker. Darcy isn't exactly believable as a superhero; she tries to growl convincingly, but it's hard to see her as anyone but a friend's mom who would gladly give you a lift to the pool and call you "Jimmy" in a way that makes you tingle all over. Since Black Scorpion is oddly R-rated (huh, wonder why this did absolutely no box office), there's a lot of jarring F-bombs and random nudity that detracts from what is obviously a kiddy comic book flick.

How this produced a sequel, a TV series, and a second sequel, I have no idea. It's painful to watch, but in a good way, like picking at a scab even though you know it's just going to start bleeding again.

Remember: we all have an arch-nemesis out there, and they're brooding in their techno-cave, wearing their ridiculous costumes and eager for our presence to justify their lifestyle. I think it's only fair we live up to our part of the bargain.

Well, at least she's equipped for rainy weather. "Stop! In the name of public nudity laws!" It was only after Bob put on the 75-pound costume that he realized... he really had to pee.

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Fuzzy lights and a soft chorus… not exactly how I'd start a superhero movie
• How to get your kids to go to sleep: tell them bedtime stories about scorpions
• Hardcore 90's criminals wore duff hats
• Trauma patients! Good for experimental sciency things!
• Why did they not handcuff the criminals? Whyyyy?
• Daylight prostitutes: very very forward
• Tender Lovin' - a name for a prostitute or a line of child's diapers?
• Pimps and prostitutes always, ALWAYS talk in double entendres
• Holding a finger to your ear while you're undercover kinda gives you away
• Don't arrest ninjas, they'll just be a problem when you bring them to the station
• This cop station contains ALL the clichés
• Well that was a random shooting… I guess
• B.R.E.A.T.H. - worst villain acronym EVER
• I've always wondered why supervillains just hang around in their costumes while nobody else was there
• "This case defies explanation! Let's just not investigate it then."
• So what happens when a guy kills your father? YOU get suspended from the police force. Guh?
• Is it the first test of every superhero that they be able to sew up their own costume?
• That's the worst front page newspaper photo ever.
• Criminals like to yell at each other a lot, while superheroes do more collateral damage than the bad guys
• I think the cop gave up his gun just to wrassle her
• Electricity in your boots makes you jump really high. Because you're trying to get away from the shock, duh.
• Chop shops can modify a car to morph into a completely different car
• That's… um… the first fully nude superhero I've ever seen
• Okay, seriously, we've seen her breasts enough at this point.
• Do they have a starring role?
• Speaking lines?
• Co-producer credits?
• Getting electroshocked after sex/rape is fitting, in a way
• Aww… it's the sad music and the "I've been thinking" and the "I don't want to be alone" scene
• Did the Breathtaker have to gas the news studio to take over the airwaves? Perhaps it was just for fun.
• I like the joking homeless man. Great bit part.
• She did a full costume change while she was driving 60 mph in the city? Wow.
• Wrestlers sure do commit to living their life according to their trade
• No no no don't tell him your real name… you idiot
• They sure got their budget's worth out of that fog machine

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Uh... no.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

content

Groovy Quotes

Dr. Goddard: If I can't breathe like everyone else, then I'm gonna make everyone else breathe like me.

Darcy Walker: [a homeless man holds the clothes of Black Scorpion] Do you mind if I take those?
Homeless man: No. I'll just keep lookin' for the naked lady. [as Darcy walks away] I was joking, lady!

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Barb Wire
• Fantastic Four
• Captain America