Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"I'm gonna make you sweat one way... and then the other."

1974 R / Martial Arts Comedy Directed by: Robert Clouse Starring: Jim Kelly, Gloria Hendry, Scatman Crothers

Tagline

He clobbers the mob

Summary Capsule

Our black black-belt hero (named Jones) kicks the crap outta a Mafia family that knows two Italian words: "Mama Mia!"

Mutant Meter

Movie Store [proceeds go toward monthly MRFH upkeep]

Nothing yet.

Justin's Rating: (humming the theme song) ba-BAOWWW!
Justin's Review: Few times in your life you are shocked into standing up and saying, outloud, "This is why I'm alive, baby!" Black Belt Jones didn't do that to me (but Taco Bell always does), but it might have gone even one step further.

"And then a genius composed theme music that combines the best elements of (a) disco and (b) monkeys."

Instead of giving you the backstory on how I came across this film (in short: sick, bored college students), I will tell you my simple little test for making Black Belt Jones fans out of my friends. The test is this: make them sit through the opening credits, and if they can make it without laughing to the point where they need external oxygen pumped into their system, I kick them out of my room.

It's just so freakin' funny! And the best thing is, this cheesy martial arts flick was made seriously! Someone actually thought that it was coolness to have sound effects accompany every move BBJ makes, but not just any sound effects: these effects put any foley artist to shame. Just magnificent. And someone wrote a script where the bad guys have about as much menacing presence as the villains on Rocky & Bullwinkle. And then a genius composed theme music that combines the best elements of (a) disco and (b) monkeys.

BBJ, played by afro-affluent Jim Kelley, goes around protecting his karate school from a small gang (led by a guy named "Pinky", I poke you not) and the mob (who have apparently forgotten that bullets can kill from a distance greater than two feet). The dialogue here is so deliciously awful that it reads like a short story written by an electrical engineering major. But my favorite is that the hero's love interest, Sydney, has to be the ugliest creature this side of shag carpeting. Why do we need to see a love scene with this hideous beast? And why, oh why, does she take a guitar from an innocent beach goer and smash it for no stinkin' reason whatsoever? Some questions will never be answered.

We all know that underneath BBJ's tough exterior (in Village People lingo, he's a "macho man") is a heart of gold. So when Papa gets killed (by a pulled punch, no less), BBJ is out to protect the world from scum. He enlists his karate students (who are about as effective as a geriatric army in stopping the bad dudes), a group of girls, one of whom is named "Pickles" (don't I wish I was making this up?), and our baboon-bride, Sydney (who shoots the dishes instead of washing them, to strike a blow for N.O.W.).

Of course they succeed, but not until we have escalated into the Most Ridiculous Final Fight Scene Known To Modern Cinema. Would you believe a fight in a car wash where the suds obscure 70% of the action? Or the fact that scary looking chick had no time to get fully dressed and keeps threatening to show us her goodies?

BBJ is therefore one of my favorite cult movies of all time. It just has everlasting appeal and serves to say, "Hey! The 70's are over! Don't try to get them back!"

He just pulled something bad. Real bad. He doesn't really need a dog, does he? The mugger was frozen by BBJ's impeccable fashion style

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• How does one get the nickname Pickles?
• Sydney smashing the beach bum's guitar for no good reason

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

We have no idea (but we'll let you know soon!)

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

This movie, wretched as it was, produced a sequel, Hot Potato, in 1976. My friend who saw this said it wasn't as good as the original, but had a cool remote control car scene. Jim Kelly, the star of BBJ, had his big debut in Enter The Dragon, which is seen as a prequel to BBJ or a sorts.

Groovy Quotes

Black Belt Jones: We're all going to McDonalds!
Students: McDonalds!

Black Belt Jones: I'm gonna make sweat one way... and then the other.

Thug: Sydney's a brooooaaaaad!

Agent: This mission is top priority.
BBJ: So am I! It's suicide.

Agent: BB, I lost three of my best men in there.

BBJ: You know, you oughta write comedies for television.

Lucy: You been hoe chasing!
Papa: What hoe you see me chasin, woman!
Lucy: That's why you always outta breath!
Papa: You weren't saying that last night!
Lucy: Oh shut up!
Papa: You were moanin' and groanin' and talkin' outta yer head!
Lucy: Wesley, I'm gonna slap the black off of you!

Italian mafia dudes: Mama Mia!

BBJ: Remember, every three seconds!

Pinky: Put these porkchops in with the beer and the broad.

Pinky: Hey, you're talking to a Brother, Brother.

Agent: Big place, New York.

Sydney: I did all my crying on the way out here.

Sydney: What could I do, I'm just a woman!
Quincy: Yeah, I know. BBJ: Stay here until I get back. Do those dishes or something.
[Sydney shoots dishes]
Sydney: They're done.

Girl: Charlene! Mary! Pickles!

Pinkey: What's holdin' you up, Black Butt?
BBJ: I'd better go before Aunt Jamima flips out.

Bad guy: Boy, we're going to turn you into fudge.

Pinky: What the hell is that?
Mafia guy: Panties!

BBJ: We gotta keep movin' baby.

Soundtrack Review

Again, the opening credits music is to be applauded. It's a great soundtrack to put any activity to and make it (the activity) subtly hilarious.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• Hot Potato
• Rumble In The Bronx
• Enter The Dragon