Mutant Reviewers from Hell do
"My box has VD"

1991 PG-13 / Scifi Action Directed by: Damian Lee Starring: Jesse Ventura, Sven-Ole Thorsen, Damian Lee

Tagline

No tagline

Summary Capsule

It's the plot of The Terminator run through a processed cheese machine

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Amazon.com: DVD

Justin's Rating: I wish that I had Jesse's girl…
Justin's Review: There's some unwritten rule that bad scifi movies (and books, for that matter) try to overcompensate for their lack of acting, budget and effects with terminology that's so twisty-turvy convoluted that the U.S. Tax Code is light reading in comparison. In his first starring role in a feature film, Jesse Ventura voluntarily chose to be associated with terms like "anti-life equation", "Finder", "answer boxes", "Culmator", and, well, "Abraxas".

"It's a bit like a flannel-flavored Moonlighting, just with random explosions and grunting middle-aged men who look as though they were hijacked on the way to a logging convention and forced to act in a movie."

Following this, citizens of Minnesota voted him into office. I'd like to think the public admired the confidence it took to star in a movie where he had to wear a tiny ponytail and talk to his forearm on multiple occasions, and that tipped the scales at the voting booths.

Ventura is Abraxas, intergalactic police officer and general lunkhead. Between talking in monotone and narrating in monotone, he wiles his days away chasing (in monotone) his former partner/current nemesis Secundus across the galaxy to the "fourth planet from the Sun": Earth. It's a bit like a flannel-flavored Moonlighting, just with random explosions and grunting middle-aged men who look as though they were hijacked on the way to a logging convention and forced to act in a movie.

The Cliff Notes version of the plot is pretty much "a cheesier version of The Terminator". The full-length version is headache-inducing: On the run from the law, Secundus impregnates a human female by patting her belly (least fun mating ritual EVER), forcing her to go into labor in less than two minutes. Despite wearing pants, she magically produces a child and Secundus gets sent off to the intergalactic Sing-Sing.

Cue five years later. Nobody believes mommy's story, except for the escaped Secundus and the hot-on-his-trail Abraxas. Secundus wants the kid because he's the "culmator" who has the "anti-life equation" that can give Secundus supreme powers in the anti-life universe. Or something. Cue a hideously long -- rest of the movie, bascially -- chase sequence as cops fail to stop the Terminatoresque Secundus, Abraxas gets his butt whooped time and again, the kid develops superhero mental powers which he uses to make a bully wet his pants, and pretty much everything explodes. Throw in a soft jazz soundtrack and a trio of narrators, and life as you know it is over. A new age has begun.

An Abraxas Age.

Straight-to-DVD bad scifi offers such a wide, putrid selection that it's hard to recommend one above any other, but Abraxas strains and struggles to the top of the fetid pile with scene after scene of ridiculous developments and dialogue that has absolutely no problem with saying things like "My box has VD". Bad movie enthusiasts have much to feast on, and the CIA has another tool in their interrogation kit.

Rejoice, for Jesse Ventura is watching over all of us, and we have nothing to fear. Lo!

"Merry Arbor Day, one and all!" "I ain't got time to lactate!" Kids, practice safe sex. Always wear gloves.

Didja Notice? [some sources: IMDb]

• Every hero needs a huge spangly spotlight behind them
• Ventura's hilarious narration
• Always fun to be subjected to a trivia quiz while you're being put through "ozone restructuring"
• Advanced alien civilizations use normal keyboards like us
• Earth is the fourth planet from the sun… um, since when?
• Now there are TWO narrators?
• Snow explodes. I'm surprised you didn't know that.
• That's like the least fun way ever to get pregnant. Does his alien race avoid shaking hands for this reason?
• A 2-minute gestation period? How is the kid getting nourished without turning his mother into a lifeless husk?
• It's an older Swede doing an Arnold impersonation in flannel
• "The Anti-Life Equation"?
• If you're giving birth, you might want to take off your pants, unless the kid can crawl down your leg or something.
• She gives birth and magically has a baby blanket around? In the woods? Buh?
• Throw the baby in the river! Throw the baby in the… aw.
• THREE narrators now! GAH!
• Random warehouse explosions spliced into a scene with a two-person football game. Oookay.
• So they're ticked at him for not killing the pregnant lady, and he's ticked at them for not killing the convicted murderer? I'm not sure who to root for here.
• It's much cooler to talk about how a bad guy's escaped from prison, instead of showing it. Shut up. Yes it is.
• The slow-mo screaming and bubbling when the space-dudes hit the water. Heh.
• James Belushi's short cameo as the worst principal of all time.
• Action sequences suck when put to soft jazz
• The Pepsi! Nooooo!
• If you got a crowbar and a guy is threatening you, don't just cradle that puppy, use it!
• Hehe… his box has VD
• If you keep running in slo-mo, you're never going to catch up to anybody!
• Worst hostage ever
• Telepathic pants-wetting. Yes.
• You know he's a good friend if you buy organic apples from him
• Is naked Jesse Ventura, um, coming on to that small boy? HOLY MOTHER OF BAD SCIFI I THINK HE IS!
• Random stripper club interlude
• Could he be any more of a dork when getting kissed?
• If you're trying to run away from a bad man, should you be tromping through a field of virgin snow?
• So the nerdy police officer just happens to have an Uzi tucked inside his coat?
• Bring you the what? The Cole Meter?
• Secundus patting the kid on the head and grunting "Hello children" is strangely hilarious. Quick thought: did he impregnate the kid's head?
• Butt-kicking via radiator
• If you punch someone in slo-mo, a light bulb nearby must explode.

Is It Worth Staying Through End Credits?

Naw.

Intermission! [some sources: IMDb]

Was originally rated R by the MPAA, but was given the PG-13 rating after a topless scene was cut.

James Belushi appeared in a cameo role as Principal Latimer, as a favour to his then wife Marjorie Bransfield, who plays Sonia in the film.

Groovy Quotes

Abraxas: My box has VD.
Mother: Your what?
Abraxas: VD. Vibrational Detection.

Abraxas: My force was taught to avoid VD.

Secundus: Follow me, and she dies! Have a nice day!

Abraxas: [to a little kid while he's naked] Hello. I suppose you're not tired. Do you want to sit up here with me? I'll tell you a story. It's about two men who were partners.

Sonia: Why don't you just tell them to stop teasing him, to stop pushing him, to stop calling him all kinds of names. Have you ever thought of just telling them to stop it?
Principal Latimer: [long pause] No. No I haven't. Um, I'm - I'll try that. I'll just speak to the kids. I'll just - I'll just tell them directly. That's a good suggestion. I'm going to try that.

Secundus: I looooove children.

Secundus: Are you a birthing member of the human race?
Sonia: Huh?
Secundus: I need your body!

Soundtrack Review

Mostly a melancholy jazz score, something more apropos to Lethal Weapon or late night Cinemax softcore porn. You keep expecting the characters to shred their clothing with a little "whoopsie!" and start macking on each other.

If you liked this movie, try these:

• The Terminator
• Predator