The Ninth Annual Mutant Awards: 2006

Winner: How a preacher knows so much about crime (Serenity)

Occasionally, as a result of allowing casual Mutant readers to vote on these award choices, there are missteps. Wrong choices can be made anytime, and in certain situations, due to the reflex reactions on the part of a manic-minded majority, a winner is chosen completely by virtue of the involvement of a fan-favorite element in said choice.

This is apparently one of those certain situations, as a surprisingly 29.6% of you selected "How a preacher knows so much about crime," a massive secret in Serenity, as your preferred Most Intriguing Unanswered Secret.

I don't care that I did not select this particular winner, nor do I care that my suggested choice didn't pull in a significant portion of the vote. I do care that a pretty lame choice won here almost certainly because the answer to this secret is only in the head of Firefly creator Joss Whedon's head, and I think way too many people are constantly wondering about what is going on in Joss Whedon's head. Creepy!

Don't get me wrong: I dig the Whedon's work, and although I think he's supremely overrated, I also think he's extremely talented. But man: in this category, pretty much every other choice is a much more worthy recipient of your vote than this winner. Plus, and you'd think I'd feel bad about saying this since I've seen Serenity only once and a total of about 25 minutes of the television show Firefly (but I don't), but I'm convinced that this is a pretty lame secret. Uh, gee, if he knows a lot about crime, that means he was involved in crime, once upon a time. You think? Come on, people!

A million times more intriguing: What's in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction? (19.8%)? What's the punchline to Bender's joke in The Breakfast Club? (12.7%) Who set up the Cube in Cube and why? (11.1%) Where do they take the Knights at the end of Monty Python's Holy Grail? (8.6%) Is Deckard a replicant in Blade Runner? (8.3%) Is one of the survivors at the end of The Thing actually the Thing? (6.2%) Why and how does Dante always have two beautiful women in love with him simultaneously in Clerks II (actually, apparently no one cared about this one).

Oh, well. Actually, what gets whispered in a certain ear at the end of Brick intrigues me more than any of these. But because I slacked and wasn't able to review Brick before this year's Awards, I couldn't put out there as a choice. So it's not the fault of the brainwashed Whedon fanatics that this category is a disgrace. It's all mine. I apologize to you all: in the future, I and the rest of the staff will ensure that you will get only the best of choices in your Mutant Awards, and not Whedon-tainted wins. Cool? Cool!

Final Tally:

1. How a preacher knows so much about crime (Serenity) (29.6%)
2. What was in the briefcase? (Pulp Fiction) (19.8%)
3. The punchline to Bender's joke (The Breakfast Club) (12.7%)
4. Who set up the Cube and for what reason? (The Cube) (11.1%)
5. Where DO they take the Knights at the end? (Monty Python's Holy Grail) (8.6%)
6. Is Deckard a replicant? (Blade Runner) (8.3%)
7. Are one of the survivors The Thing or human? (The Thing) (6.2%)
8. How DOES Dante always have two beautiful women in love with him at the same time? (Clerks II)

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