The Eighth Annual Mutant Awards: 2005

Christopher Walken

The Cult Lifetime Achievement Award is a special AMA award chosen by the Mutant staff for one person (or thing) that has made an indelible impact upon the movie cult world. This year, the staff chose Christopher Walken for this honor.

Some of Christopher Walken's films include: Wedding Crashers, Gigli, Kangaroo Jack, Catch Me If You Can, Sleepy Hollow, Suicide Kings, The Prophecy, Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead, Wayne's World 2, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns.

Christopher Walken is cultlier than a very culty thing. He's got the look, the voice, the mannerisms, the filmography and I know that my Mutant brethren are going to wax poetic about all of this. (Especially Drew. He likes waxing.) So I'm going to use my space to comment on possibly my most disturbing television viewing experience of the 80's. Christopher Walken in... Puss In Boots. Yes, Walken pranced, he purred, he groomed his whiskers, drank milk and sang songs about being a "happy cat". It was a kiddie movie, of couse. Nothing bad happened. And yet, somehow I still can't forget the feeling of dull terror that coursed through my veins every time Walken strutted on screen. He just has that vibe. That's serious power. That's charisma from the Dark Side. Congratulations Mr. Walken! I hope you are indeed, a happy cat.

Possibly my all-time favorite Chris Walken appearance was actually on an episode of The Simpsons, where the quite-possibly most creepy actor in the world was reading an innocent storybook to a group of children. Yet, with Walken's trademark pauses and deadpan, it ends up scaring the crap out of these toddlers. "Scootch... closer, children. Don't make me tell you again... about the scootching."

Just looking through his credits (the man's been working in the film industry since the 1960's!), it's easy to become overwhelmed. Here's a guy who's not your everyday handsome lead actor, but who found a niche and played it so well that everyone and their mother created roles for him. His influence on the cult scene is tremendous, even if some of his most famous parts were little more than cameos — such as the "pocket watch" speech in Pulp Fiction, or his silent-yet-deadly rampage in Sleepy Hollow. He's a heckuva guy, and I'm glad to see him get just a bit more of the recognition he deserves. Please don't kill me, Mr. Walken!

Let's say, for the sake of argument and hypothesis only, of course, that Hollywood occasionally cranked out the odd low quality movie. I mean, that may be a stretch, but hey, it's the Internet, we make magic here.

So we've got this bad movie being made, and we're desperately trying to come up with a way to save it. What do we do? Where do we go? WHO DO WE CALL ON?!? The answer's easy: Hollywood's go-to guy, Christopher Walken. This will save the movie, right?

Hell no! Did you SEE Gigli?

But you can be damned certain that Mr Walken will introduce that signature mode of speech, that not quite stylish, not quite the Army haircut, and above all else, those "I'm going to eat your spine" crazy eyes. Walken is The Man^TM when it comes to creepy, intimidating characters.

He's also got great comic chops, wonderful timing, and is even a trained dancer (who apparently flies around malls, if music videos are to believed, which Nancy absolutely swears is true). He's a jack of so many trades they need to invent new ones, and for all this and more, he gets my vote for the Lifetime Achievement Awards.

"She's fast enough... for you... old man..."

What can you say about a man who’s drop-dead hilarious in half the film roles he’s been in, and literally the creepiest guy in the world in the rest? To call Christopher Walken a talented actor is not to give him his proper due — he unquestionably is, but at times he seems to almost transcend humanity… after all, no normal person should be able to instill so much fear with a calm, polite half-smile and an innocuous phrase. (“You’re the man, Ira.”) I think the key is that he genuinely appears to be just mildly insane in all of his film roles — not a lot, not in the wild-eyed “I’m going to snap and chop my family to pieces with an ax” way, but just that look on his face that says “If you so much as blink at me the wrong way, I will chop YOUR family to pieces with an ax and make you watch.”

It’s that element that makes him seem more dangerous to us, not less, and makes us sit up and pay just a little more attention to him in whatever role he happens to be in, no matter how inane. And while the man has been in his share of stinkers, he’s got that Bruce Campbell-esque quality in that it never seems to affect him — he’s still exactly as popular in Hollywood as he ever was. Probably because film execs are afraid that if he doesn’t get work, he’ll revert to his former occupation as criminal mastermind or mafia don or something.

I don’t know Christopher Walken personally, but I like to think that, upon being told he’d won this year’s AMA award, he would give a small, secretive little smile, approach the dais with those half-closed eyelids of his, and very calmly thank the mutants and everyone who voted for him, saying he was honored to receive such an award. I further like to think he would then calmly announce that there was a bomb hidden somewhere in the building, and if we all wanted to get home safely, we’d hand over our wallets and jewelry immediately without causing a fuss. Because dammit, he’s Christopher Walken. Don’t make him tell you again, with the scootching.

Although I acknowledge the man as a tremendous actor, I actually haven't seen too many of Christopher Walken's movies. I've seen The Prophecy, naturally, and things like Blast from the Past, Biloxi Blues and American Sweethearts, but I've yet to see The Deer Hunter (I will one day!), or some of his other more notable films (like Gigli, even if that's not notable for a good reason). However, I've also never been disappointed with his performance in a movie, either. He does tend towards the eccentric (or flat-out mentally unhinged), but I suppose that's part of the reason he's our Cult Lifetime Achievement winner this year.

Ten other facts about Christopher Walken that I find amusing:

1. He was Lucas's second choice to play Han Solo in the Star Wars trilogy. Can I just say what a different movie that would have been?

2. He worked as a lion tamer when he was 15. That's just pretty cool.

3. He studied dancing. Now I want to see a ballet movie with him and Chris Cooper. Come on — you know that would be something else again. At any rate, this explains why he tries to work a dance of some sort into every movie he does.

4. He's the second person in history to be nominated for the Best Supporting Actor Oscar (for Catch Me If You Can) and the Worst Supporting Actor Razzie (The Country Bear Jamboree) in the same year. The first person was actually James Coco, who was nominated for both for the same role.

5. He was nominated for a Best Actor Tony for a Musical, but it was for James Joyce's The Dead. I despise James Joyce with the fire of a thousand suns.

6. He frequently works with Tim Burton, which naturally makes him Mutant Material.

7. He was also considered to play Captain Jack Sparrow in The Pirates of the Caribbean. Again, what a different movie that would have been!

8. Apparently, he's never turned down a role. This would explain things like The Country Bear Jamboree and Gigli.

9. He thinks bear costumes are funny. (This would also explain the Country Bear Jamboree.)

10. He likes horror movies, especially those with zombies. Why do I think the guy would fit in well around here?

What more needs be said? That’s all you ever have to say. “Christopher Walken.” And everyone within earshot will understand, and those too far away or incapable of hearing you will have minutes added onto their lives because “Christopher Walken” was said aloud, and Christopher Walken himself will continue to help the Earth orbit the sun as it would not were he not around.

Because of the retroactive effects on space-time caused by Christopher Walken, it’s difficult to say if he was always the powerful force he is today, or if he gradually ingratiated himself into our lives until he stands like a gigantic (metaphorical) Easter Island head in the dayglo pop culture landscape. His infamous Russian roulette scene in The Deer Hunter traumatized so many lives, as did his work in The Dead Zone. I have a special place in my heart for the one-two humor punch of his speech in Annie Hall with the punchline follow-up scene, and I always liked his jobs hosting “Saturday Night Live;” especially the juvenile hijinks of The Continental.

But I guess the true event horizon of his pervasive cult fame is firmly entrenched in the Blue Oyster Cult sketch on SNL, with the funny-until-the-end-of-time “I gotta have more cowbell!” material changing the world as we knew it and left us to enter, blinking and shivering, into a new world where Christopher Walken stands like an odd yet comforting presence (see: Easter Island heads).

So there’s no doubt in my mind that Christopher Walken deserves all the attention he gets, and more. What would our lives be like if he had never taken a chance at an audition or whatever, and not been the cinematic force he has now become? I don’t know. I don’t want to know.

I will say that it’s humorously ironic to me that my favorite Christopher Walken thing didn’t actually involve the true Christopher Walken at all: it was a fake commercial on SNL where Jay Mohr played Christopher Walken selling skittles. It’s easily the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life, and I wish everyday when I wake up that I had access to it so I could watch it over and over and over again. But then again, I sort of prefer having it be a cherished memory that harsh reality can’t intrude upon, and whenever I need a little smile pick-me-up or I need something to focus on during laughing yoga, I think of that sketch, and it never fails to brighten my present moment. “Skittles. Bite-sized... orange. I’m done. Watermelon.” Genius.

Christopher. Hello Old Chum. How are things? Good? That's excellent. How's being the weirdest oddball in all of movie working out?

But seriously folks, what the f? This guy is so cool in so many ways that I can't even begin to explain. He's got the 'Batman' quality, where he's just so awesome I'm at a loss for words that aren't 'cool' or 'awesome'. But man oh man, do I say those words a lot. One night on a beachside vacation a few summers ago, my best friend and I rented 'Catch Me If You Can' and repeated for several weeks 'Two little mice...fell into a bucket of cream...'. Weird how the most random words can be quotable quotes with this man.

On a brief attractive note, for a long time I just thought he was a silly guy and never really had any claim to his name, like a sincere acting talent that transcended that Cowbell sketch. Then I saw The Deer Hunter, and he was a) honestly attractive and not even in a funny "haha Christopher Walken is hot!" way and b) wicked talented and I was blown away. Gotta love the Walken!

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